Celebrity Apprentice RECAP: Mother vs. Brother, T.O. vs. Foxy Lady (S14:E2)

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This season’s second episode is a double, featuring twice as many tasks and twice as many firings. In episode 2, Kevin of the Jonas Brothers goes against mother of eight Kate Gosselin. Then, chronic touchdown celebrator Terrell Owens faces off against actress and wig proprietor Vivica Fox. Who will survive the Thunderdome that is Celebrity Apprentice?

The celebrities gather, and the Donald lays out the first task. Each team will produce a commercial for a company called Neat, which specializes in reducing office clutter by scanning documents and storing them in the cloud. Then, Neat executives will watch both commercials, pick the one they like best, and declare the winner. Simple enough, right?

The women certainly think so. Vivica says all they have to do is “drop the drama” and focus on the challenge, but we the viewers know that dropping the drama will be challenge enough. For the second task in a row, none of the ladies really want to be the project manager. Kate reluctantly steps up, even though, in her own words, “Technology is my weakest thing.”

She can handle eight screaming kids, but what about a team of screaming celebrities?

She can handle eight screaming kids, but what about a team of screaming celebrities?

Over on the men’s team, Kevin takes the helm. Hmm… I wonder if all the negative comments he made about Geraldo last episode will come back to bite him?

About to get bit?

About to get bit?

Kevin immediately excludes Geraldo and most of the other guys from the creative process. It seems that Kevin thinks Geraldo is simply too old to have any relevant ideas about technology. While it may be true that he lacks relevant ideas, Geraldo does come up with something in the way of a commercial tagline: “Neat… sweet!” When Kevin rejects this obvious gem, Geraldo acts like a total baby and repeats the tagline about 500 times. Kevin is pretty much brainstorming commercial ideas with only Ian “Will he ever top Sharknado?” Ziering and Lorenzo Lamas. This dubious think tank does come up with one great concept–letting Gilbert Godfried star in the commercial as an inept and overwhelmed businessman.

Perfect casting

Perfect casting

Over at Team Infinity (the women’s team), they are having a planning meeting. Kate is supposed to be in charge, but she’s clueless. She doesn’t even know what Neat does. Talk show host Leeza Gibbons suggests that she google it, but this leaves Kate totally befuddled.

"Eh... what's a google?"

“Eh… what’s a google?”

Both teams meet with the Neat executives to get a better idea of what the company is looking for. During the Team Vortex (men’s team) meeting, it’s hard to tell what’s going on because Geraldo is talking loudly into his cell phone about something else, something that sounds like a lawsuit in progress. At the women’s meeting, Leeza, at least, seems to be asking good questions and taking notes.

Kevin assigns Lorenzo to direct the men’s commercial, reasoning that since he’s spent so much time in front of the camera (approximately 30 years on various soap operas), he should be pretty good behind it. He delegates the script to Geraldo to try to keep him busy, because who really cares about writing anyway?

On the women’s side, Kate wanders around eating cupcakes, which really stresses Brandi Glanville out. As a former model, she can’t even stand to watch someone else take in calories. Plus, she thinks they should be working on the commercial. Luckily, Leeza steps up to direct. She casts Vivica as a “Neatologist,” which is sort of like a doctor of organization. Somehow, the commercial gets done.

The guys are making good progress on wrapping up their project, too, but not without even more drama. Boat captain Sig Hansen has recruited television narrator Mike Rowe, a friend of his, to do voice overwork for the commercial, but Geraldo wanted to do it himself so he throws a big fit, pushing Lorenzo away and storming off when he tries to calm him down.

Movie title idea: The 70 Year Old Toddler

Movie title idea: The 70-Year-Old Toddler

That’s a wrap. Both commercials end up looking pretty good. The Neat execs’ only criticisms are that since the women’s only showed one female small business owner, it didn’t represent the full range of their customers, and  the men’s didn’t explain the product enough. The execs decide that the product explanation was the more important piece, so they award the win to the ladies. The cash prize goes to Kate’s charity, Camp Barnabus, a camp for children with disabilities. The girls get to kick back and relax while the guys sweat it out with Trump.

The Donald questions the men, asking how everyone did. Everybody agrees that Gilbert did a good job. When Trump commends him on his performance, Gilbert says “Thank you, mein fuhrer.”

The Donald, looking strangely amused to have been compared to Hitler on prime time television

The Donald, looking strangely amused to have been compared to Hitler on primetime television

As for what went wrong with the task, conflicting accounts emerge. Geraldo says everything would have gone better if everything had been done his way, but Kevin, Lorenzo, and Ian say things got screwed up because Geraldo was constantly interrupting them with stupid ideas. In particular, he distracted them from a discussion about integrating more product description into the ad–the very thing that could have prevented the loss.

Trump seems to believe that anytime something goes wrong with a commercial, it’s totally the director’s fault. He strongly hints that he’d like to fire Lorenzo. Still, Kevin gets to pick the two contestants other than himself that go up on the block. He picks Geraldo, of course… And Ian.

What the hell?

What the hell?

Why Ian? Kevin certainly doesn’t think he should be fired. He’s just bringing him into the boardroom as another advocate for his position that Geraldo has to go. Uh oh, he’s trying to force Trump to choose between him and Geraldo. Nobody tells the Donald what to do, and besides, he’s gotta keep kissing FOX News’s ass so they’ll keep talking up his pretend presidential campaign(s). Kevin is fired and Geraldo survives this round.

"Neat... sweet!"

“Neat… sweet!”

On to the second challenge. In this one, the teams will work with the company Luvo, which makes a line of healthy frozen foods they hope will be served by Delta Airlines. The task is to organize a tasting event featuring Luvo foods, complete with a new slogan for Luvo.

It’s time to pick project managers. On the women’s team, somebody finally wants to do it. Vivica steps up. The men pick Terrell the touchdown king because Luvo makes health food and he is an athlete. Luvo sends over their best products, and the teams check them out.

Its...a basket of gourds

Its…a basket of gourds

Vivica turns out to be a good discussion facilitator, so the women quickly settle on a slogan and a plan. The slogan will be “Luv yourself, one bite at a time.” As for the plan, each of the women will perform a little skit featuring a character loosely based on herself. Beauty queen Kenya Moore will play Miss Luvo, naturally bossy Vivica will play a personal trainer, and Olympian Jamie Anderson will be her trainee. The idea is that these vignettes will show different types of healthy lifestyles. Here’s Vivica dressed as the trainer, who inexplicably has to be male:

Is Vivica thinking of switching teams?

Is Vivica thinking of switching teams?

While Vivica believes in taking charge, Terrell has a decentralized approach.

He's a wide receiver, not a quarterback

He’s a wide receiver, not a quarterback

During the slogan discussion, Terrell lets Ian ramble nonsensically about how “youth span” is an underused term. Then, he decides to let Geraldo work on writing some taglines, since letting Geraldo do the writing worked out so well on the previous task.

Good meeting, guys! It's almost like no one was in charge!

Good meeting, guys! It’s almost like no one was in charge!

Meanwhile, some of the women are driving over to the test kitchen. Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson is acting out of it. When Vivica asks her what’s wrong, she whispers, “It’s my moon time.” You can totally see how this girl won a gold medal.

On the men’s side, Terrell continues to let things evolve organically. Each of the guys will come up with his own short presentation explaining what he likes about the dish he will serve at the tasting event.

The ladies reconvene and break into two groups: the eating group and the shopping group. Most of the women will be taste-testing and menu planning while Kate and Shawn buy supplies. Shawn, who has earlier confessed that she doesn’t usually get out of bed during “this time of the month,” heroically heads to Pottery Barn.

Since they have to make individual presentations, most of the men are scripting out exactly what they are going to say, but Gilbert doesn’t write anything down. The others suggest that he say something about his kids, but Gilbert doesn’t see how they’re relevant. He decides not to prepare a speech but just to blurt out whatever crosses his mind in the moment. Team Vortex gathers for a final meeting. Geraldo has come up with a slogan: “Eat lean, live long, Luvo for a delicious life.” Some of the guys think it’s a little wordy, but they decide to go with it anyway. Then, they rehearse the event so they’ll be ready for the next day.

Over at Team Infinity, Vivica is becoming impatient. It’s been six hours, and Kate and Shawn aren’t back yet! Vivica calls them on a borrowed phone and they assure her they “aren’t wasting a second.”

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These two sure do look busy

They finally return with the supplies, but there’s no time for rehearsal. The girls will just have to wing it the next day.

It’s the day of the big event. The men’s presentation is first, and it’s going very well. The talks are well received by the Luvo execs, and the table service is flawless. The last dish served is a frozen yogurt dessert, and it’s Gilbert’s turn to present. What does he talk about? His kids. What does he say? He says he has two kids and sees them as a miracle, and the miracle is that a woman had sex with him–twice. Oh no.

No one wants to think about Gilbert having sex while they're trying to eat

No one wants to think about Gilbert having sex while they’re trying to eat

Now, it’s the women’s turn. The skits go well in front of the execs, but there’s drama behind the scenes. Continuing to demonstrate poor time management skills, Kate and Jamie do not think to microwave the next course as the previous course is being served. When the food finally comes out, Jamie grabs it to serve, but Kenya grabs it away from her, saying she’s not appropriately dressed to serve food because she’s still in athletic attire. (Talking about this incident to the confessional camera, Jamie says something like, “Hasn’t she seen Oprah? Have some respect!” which makes utterly no sense.) The ladies stumble through the rest of the event.

Now that the tasks are done, it’s time to head to the boardroom. Trump asks Terrell if he thinks the men’s team won. Terrell says he thinks they “met the criteria” but that you never know what to expect from Gilbert. Sig mentions that Geraldo “always talks a lot.”

The Donald throws out a hypothetical: Would the ladies like to have Geraldo on their team? Which player would they be willing to trade for him? I am thinking no way, no how. He is the worst! But Vivica says she would trade Shawn for Geraldo in a heartbeat. Trump asks why, and Vivica says Shawn checked out because she “had a monthly problem.” The Donald is like, “You mean a female problem?” Finally, Vivica comes out and says it: “She got her damn period.” A long co-ed discussion of the nature of menstrual cycles and their impact on female performance ensues.

The ladies laugh nervously as they live through a nightmare

The ladies laugh nervously as they live through a nightmare

Team Infinity is a train wreck, but what did the Luvo execs think? It turns out they really liked the presentation, even though they noted the timing issues. By contrast, the timing was good on the men’s team, but everything else was off. They didn’t like the sex joke or the slogan, since they felt that “Eat lean, live long” would be a tough claim to substantiate. The women win, and the cash prize goes to Vivica’s charity, Best Buddies, which finds jobs and housing for people with special needs.

The men have to stay in the boardroom and endure more of Trump’s talk. The Donald asks Gilbert about his humor, and Gilbert says, “No one ever died from an off-color joke.” He says getting a laugh is the most important thing in the world to him (which means it’s more important than selling Luvo’s products and more important than winning Celebrity Apprentice). Then, talk turns to the matter of the slogan. Who wrote it? Ian says that if he was assigning blame for it, he would ask who came up with the most words, and “it was Geraldo peppered with T.O.”

Eat. Lean. Live. Long. Luvo. For. A. Delicious. Life.

I count nine words. How many celebrities does it take to write a losing slogan?

Terrell, Gilbert, and Geraldo are up on the block to be fired. Trump thinks Terrell has come a long way since his controversial days in the NFL. He seems to believe that Celebrity Apprentice is a valuable personal growth experience for the young man, so he’s not going to fire him. He’s also still committed to not firing Geraldo, who is randomly going on about all the “crapholes” he’s been to as a war reporter. Who does that leave? Gilbert.

"Guess I'll go home and shoot for a third sexual encounter with my wife now"

“Guess I’ll go home and shoot for a third sexual encounter with my wife now”

Gilbert’s alleged crime is not being inappropriate, which the Donald can identify with, but not wanting it bad enough. This is two losses in a row for the men. Team Vortex sucks… like a vortex.

TV Show: Celebrity Apprentice

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