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Celebrate The 80th Anniversary Of The Repeal Of Prohibition In Style With Your Happy and Wonkette Writers

Celebrate The 80th Anniversary Of The Repeal Of Prohibition In Style With Your Happy and Wonkette Writers

Today is a great day in American history, a day that ranks up there with July 4th and whatever day the Constitutional Convention was held and Christmas and that day you take off in the middle of August when there hasn’t been a holiday in SO LONG. Yes, we’re talking about the day Prohibition ended. Celebrate! Good Times! America, fuck yeah!

Seriously, 18th Amendment, you were the least-loved Amendment ever, and the only one that the American people hated so much they had to break up with it. Let’s all celebrate with yr Wonk and Happy staff with their drinks of choice!

Dok Zoom is going to drink “Glenfiddich, but not til later. Or maybe Chambord, a blackberry liqueur, on the rocks or on top of a little ice cream, milk and soda water.” (Go ahead, click the linky. WE DARE YOU.)

Rebecca will be drinking a “nice pinot noir,” because she does not have any hard liquor in the house since her Millennial son and his Millennial girlfriend became super-duper geniuses of brilliance and started claiming that they’d accidentally knocked over (and shattered) all the liquor bottles while “vacuuming.” (They forgot to actually break any of the liquor bottles.) She didn’t specify which kind of pinot. We were going to arbitrarily assign her a kind, but a search for low-end pinot noirs shows that most of them suck, so just assume that Rebecca is drinking up all your donations thanks to her fancypants wine needs.

Gary is drinking Shock Top, which is fine as long as it is not Shock Top Pumpkin flavored, because there is snow on the ground and we no longer have to consume the fall flavor scourge that is pumpkin.

DDM is going to buy a round of Red-Headed Sluts for the GOP, and trust us when we say we wouldn’t drink this even with DDM’s mouth:

  • 1 oz Jagermeister
  • 1 oz peach schnapps
  • 2 oz cranberry juice

Unless the instructions after that are “throw ingredients on ground, find a decent bourbon and drink that straight,” that is not even an actual drink recipe.

Kaili is drinking Whatever Is In The Freezer brand Vodka and tonic, hold the tonic. Kaili does not play.

Yr humble writer will start by making a whiskey sour with the sadly dwindling bottle of Bulleit bourbon gifted to her by Rebecca and from-scratch sour, which will change your life for real and will make you want to throttle the next person that serves you that horrible faux-lemon-lime concoction that comes out of the soda gun.

You people, of course, should drink one of all of these to show us how much you care.

Do not, however, drink anything mentioned in this article, for real, or we will come over and punch you in the face, FOR REAL.

[Bar Rescue star Jon Taffer’s] favorite bar is this pretentious place in Beverly Hills called Ten Pound where the drinks cost from $65,000 “all the way down to $160.”

He’s perpetuating the bacon craze, advocating for bar snacks such as “warm bacon to dip in Crown Royal maple sauce.”

His favorite drink is scotch with amaretto in it.

He recommends a drink called the Green Lizard, which is a shot of 151-proof rum and green chartreuse, because it makes you horny.

If you pay $65,000 for a drink, you deserve to be mugged in the street. If you drink scotch with amaretto, you deserve to be denied alcohol for the rest of your natural life, unless you are under the age of 18, in which case you probably just threw together whatever you could steal from whatever your parents had in the liquor cabinet.

Happy America Loves Liquor The Bestest Day!

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  • Farb

    Gotta go on the internet, reserve my carton in the alley.

  • zb77

    I recommend a drink called give me a fucking whiskey right now and if it costs more than $5 you’re in the wrong bar. That’s right, YOU’RE in the wrong bar. Leave the bottle.

  • Snarknado

    I plan on drinking nothing but beer and rye and maybe some rum, just as The Founders intended.

  • msanthropesmr

    In addition to Primitivo – this is what the Anthropes drink.Negroni 1 oz Campari1 oz Sweet Vermouth (Try it with Lillet Rogue)1 oz Gin (Booth’s is good for this, also Plymouth)Shake over ice, serve in Martini glass with twist of orange zest you have burned.Aperol Spritz1oz Aperol3oz Prosecco (I substitute Vinho Verde – very nice)2oz Fizzy WaterMix and serve over iceGinger Collins1oz Gin1oz Domaine de Canton1oz Fresh squeezed lemon juice1oz Simple SyrupShake over ice. Add to tall glass with ice cubes and fill with Fizzy WaterMy Brother’s Signature Drink1oz Bourbon (Eagle Rare or Buffalo Trace)1oz Reduced Apple Cider (get it from King Arthur Flour)Shake over ice, Add to tall glass with ice cubes and fill with ginger ale.

  • Lowkey3

    I am going to have a strong pour or two of Dalwhinnie 15, one of my favorite scotches, over one or two huge chunks of ice, and drink it out of JON TAFFER’S GODDAMNED SKULL, UGH.

    • billgerat

      Dalwinnie 15 is great, but Glenfiddich 15 is even better.

  • Mojopo

    I firmly believe in the restorative powers of gin. There’s a martini I fix The Way We Like Things In This House (caps mean”fuck you, you’re on my property now”). This martini is with lemon, oil-cured olives and ice water, and that’s how we do. Or, I make a Gimlet, all from scratch because… brown sugar syrup and fresh limes! Sprinkle some Kosher salt into that business, shake it until you almost give yourself a seizure, and serve with a splash of soda over chipped ice. Make a pitcher, put on your fat pants and call for take-out *before* you start slurring. You know I’m right.

  • weejee

    How about a Leviticus 20:13 If any one man lies with a man as with a woman, let them be stoned Here in Washington we took that scripture to heart and legalized both. Pass the bong.

    • Buddha Stalin

      EVERYBODY must get stoned!

  • I’ll crack open an Allagash White. A terrific Belgian wheat beer, but I had no idea how expensive it was til I got to the register. And it was for a 4 pack, but by the time I heard the price, I was like fuck it, I need this. American needs this.

  • Vecchiojohn

    A good sherris sack hath a two-foldoperation in it. It ascends me into the brain;dries me there all the foolish and dull and curdyvapours which environ it; makes it apprehensive,quick, forgetive, full of nimble fiery anddelectable shapes, which, delivered o’er to thevoice, the tongue, which is the birth, becomesexcellent wit.

  • mondojohnson
  • SullivanSt

    Good grief, that link you knew we’d click when you dared us to has me thinking “hey, that marg Betheny’s being sued for suddenly isn’t actually sounding too bad”.Jon Tanner should go sit in a bar in downtown Glasgow, the Gorbals perhaps, and explain how he likes to defile whisky, see how it’s received.

    • FeloniousMonk

      Bravo. I once saw a landlord (south of the border) asked for a Glenfiddich and orange. “Sir, if you insist, I will serve you a bar-brand scotch and orange. I will not pollute good whisky.”

      • SullivanSt

        I’m not even sure Bells deserves that kind of treatment.

  • FeloniousMonk

    “claiming that they’d accidentally knocked over (and shattered) all the liquor bottles” The millenials post over at the other place makes sense now.

  • SullivanSt

    Still trying to work out how they manage to get away with charging $65,000 for a drink, when it would buy you five whole bottles at a Ramsey restaurant. I’m guessing it is by selling to idiots.

  • x111e7thst

    I was drinking a fairly good tawny port, but now I have switched to cheap brandy and I like that even better.

  • Señor Skwerl

    Drinking Minnesota beer. Meaning half the 2013 Oregon hop crop is in this bottle of beer — 10% alcohol. I will not be able to type in 3 – 2 – who you lookin’ at?

  • mtn_philosoph

    Mulled wine — light on the cinnamon, heavy on the cloves.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Absinthe or GTFO!And Gary, Shock Top? Seriously? Budweiser makes a fake craft beer…