Category: Movies

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VIDEO: Along Came a Spider (2001)

Morgan Freeman reprises his Kiss the Girls role as retired D.C. detective Alex Cross, who’s lured back into action when a senator’s daughter is kidnapped. He teams up with a Secret Service agent (Monica Potter) and the two spend most of the film trying to out-bland each other. FoQ explains how the movie is nowhere near as smart as the book, yet still enjoyably dumb.

VIDEO: Hellboy (2004)

Ron Perlman is a young demon summoned from hell during WWII to be a secret Axis weapon, but instead gets captured by American forces to use his powers for good. When Nazis return sixty years later, Hellboy and his elite super-powered defense team are humanity’s only hope!

VIDEO: The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

Edward decides his kind is too dangerous to be around Bella, so he goes into contrived self-exile, leaving Bella to screech like a maniac for months before finally finding comfort in hot werewolf Jacob. Alas, Sofie’s endless mocking of the movie earns her the wrath of Pia (played by Sofie Liv), a scantily-clad airhead who breaks into Sofie’s house to share a love of all things Twilight!

VIDEO: Leprechaun in Space (1997)

The Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is on a remote planet trying to woo an alien princess and become king, but a less-than-elite team of space marines arrives to stop him. With plenty of homages to Alien and Aliens, this movie is ridiculously over the top, but what were you expecting from the title?

VIDEO: Corpse Bride (2005)

Joey watches Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride, starring the voice of Johnny Depp (who else?) as a shy groom who practices his wedding vows near a grave and ends up married to a murdered bride, voiced by Helena Bonham Carter (who else?). This is one of Joey’s favorite Burton films, and he explains why it’s basically the grown-up version of Burton’s other famous stop motion film, The Nightmare Before Christmas.

VIDEO: Australia (2008)

In Baz Luhrmann’s Pearl Harbor, Nicole Kidman is a British aristocrat who inherits a cattle ranch in pre-World War II Australia, and Hugh Jackman is the rancher who helps her drive her cattle across the outback. Spoiler alert: They fall in love. Also, they adopt a half-white/half-Aboriginal boy who can do magic, apparently, and arrive just in time to be caught in a Japanese sneak attack.

VIDEO: American Virgin (2009)

A college student makes a vow of abstinence, and yet still falls prey to a porn producer (Rob Schneider) who plans to put her in his Girls Gone Wild-esque video. Watch as a bunch of no-name actors (including Schneider’s daughter, maybe?) go on a road trip to get the incriminating footage back.

VIDEO: Priest (2011)

After a centuries-long war between humans and vampires, the Church has assumed total control of humanity, with “priests” that are actually elite vampire slayers. Paul Bettany is a veteran priest living an unassuming life, but when vampires kidnap his niece (Lily Collins), he goes to hunt them down, bringing along Karl Urban, Cam Gigandet, and plenty of cool weapons.

VIDEO: The Italian Job (2003)

The Special Relationship Part Four!

Sursum Ursa continues a series from long ago, where we compare British films against their U.S. remakes! In Part Four, Ursa looks at 1969’s The Italian Job with Michael Caine, versus the 2003 remake, er, “homage” starring Mark Wahlberg.

VIDEO: Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Sofie goes down the rabbit hole for Alice in Wonderland, another visually impressive yet incoherent mess from Tim Burton, starring Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen, Anne Hathaway as the White Queen, and Mia Wasikowska as Alice. Watch and wonder how a movie this mediocre made a billion damn dollars.

VIDEO: The Help (2011)

Emma Stone is a White Savior character in 1960s Mississippi who writes a book about the black maids in town (Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer), which makes all the white people in town feel bad about racism. It also makes a buttload of money for Emma, while leaving the maids worse off then before. Whoops!

VIDEO: Shark Night 3D (2011)

From the director of Snakes on a Plane, this movie follows a group of college kids (including Sara Paxton and Katharine McPhee, who fortunately spend most of the move in bikinis, but unfortunately never less than that, because this movie is PG-13) as they go on the perfect vacation, only to find out they’re being fed to sharks by a group of rednecks intent on making awesome internet videos!

VIDEO: Minority Report (2002)

In Steven Spielberg’s overlong, needlessly complicated adaption of a Philip K. Dick short story, the Couch Jumper (AKA Tom Cruise) plays a “precrime” detective who stops murders before they happen with the help of blind, androgynous “precogs” who can see the future.