Baywatch “Mirror, Mirror” (part 2 of 4)
Cut to Matt standing on the beach with the real Summer, telling her about his nightmare. This isn’t the first time he’s had this particular nightmare, and he’s confused, because he’s never been afraid of sharks. He says it’s so bad that he hasn’t been able to sleep for a month, and Summer reaches out and holds his hand. So I assume these two are currently having a little workplace romance.
Also, I’m trying really hard to just stay focused on looking at Nicole Eggert here, but this guy Matt is in a Speedo and his package is all in my face. Matt says the dreams are getting worse, so Summer gives him a hug, and his package is now blocked by Nicole Eggert’s ass. There is a god.
Cut to a shot of a trailer parked near the beach. Inside is our very special, very embarrassed guest star Carrie-Anne Moss. She has crazy big hair, which she’s fluffing up in front of a mirror. She’s calling out to her sister “Gwen” in the next room, and with an evil grin on her face, she calls Gwen a “total mess” who “doesn’t know how to dress” or “do anything with your hair”.
The camera slowly pans over to a door, where we hear the voice of “Gwen” complaining that her sister “Mattie” is just being mean. Mattie chuckles, and continues to play the wicked stepsister, saying, “Gwen, you’re never gonna get a man the way that you are!”
Cut to outside the trailer. The door opens and a woman steps out. The camera slowly pans up a pair of sneakers, black socks, army green shorts, a baggy sweatshirt, and to top it all off, a pair of horn-rimmed glasses. And this woman… is also Carrie-Anne Moss. As it so happens, this is Gwen.
It’s hard to say if audiences at the time were supposed to immediately realize it’s the same person. It’s obvious now, of course, because it’s Carrie-Anne Moss. I’d like to think it was obvious at the time, but given the typical Baywatch viewer, I’m not so sure. Regardless, it’ll be clear before long that “Mattie” and “Gwen” are just different personalities within one woman’s twisted psyche.
Carrie as Gwen says in her best psycho soap opera monotone, “I’ll show you, sister dear. You’re not the only one who can get a man!” Does anyone actually use the phrase “sister dear” outside of psychopaths on TV dramas?
Gwen heads down to the beach, and to highlight how overdressed she is, scores of hot bikini babes walk past from every direction. True to Baywatch style, there are absolutely no normal looking women anywhere in sight. They’re all hot, young, nubile things who are either ex-Playmates or wish they were ex-Playmates. Baywatch seems to have given the rest of the world the impression that this is what Southern California beaches are really like, and boy, have I got news for all of you.
When she reaches the sand, Gwen sees the lifeguard tower, and she pushes her horn-rimmed specs up as she spies none other than the Hoff himself, Mitch Buchannon. She is instantly enraptured by him. To Gwen, Mitch is a hairy Adonis amidst a sea of mortal men. She actually whimpers at the sight of his godliness.
She slowly approaches the lifeguard tower, calling up to him, and asking him what the flag on his tower means. That would be the yellow flag with the black dot, which Mitch explains means there’s “a dangerous rip today”. So Gwen says she’s going to stay put right here on the sand and not even try to swim, and Mitch just gives her a polite smile and goes back to scanning the waves for any sign of danger.
Then she blurts out her name, but Mitch says he didn’t hear that. She replies, “N-nothing, it’s just, I’m Gwen, that’s all.” You know, I think she may have a bit of a self-esteem issue.
But Mitch is warm and friendly towards her, and he immediately guesses that “Gwen” is short for “Guinevere”. Really? Guinevere? Okay, this episode is already turning into bad fanfic written by a bored housewife in love with David Hasselhoff. I think most people would assume “Gwen” is either short for “Gwendolyn”, or if you want to get really crazy, not short for anything at all. But Mitch immediately goes to the ridiculously flowery name of “Guinevere”, and it turns out he’s right.
Mitch has a friendly chat with Gwen, and he advises her to put on some sunblock, but I don’t know why, seeing as how the only part of her body currently exposed to sunlight are her calves. She lays out a blanket while constantly staring at Mitch and smiling at him with that special serial killer look in her eyes. And all throughout this scene, there’s been this slow, maudlin tune playing, which sounds a lot like the closing theme from a ‘70s afterschool special. That’s how you know you’re watching a very important subject being dealt with.
Meanwhile, two bikini babes nearby have a cooler open and they’re toasting each other with cans of beer, saying, “Cheers, baby!” And according to the closing credits, “Girl #1” is Lisa Boyle, a former Playboy Playmate, surprise! And “Girl #2” is Darcy Darnell, now Darcy Andrade, who was never in Playboy, but nowadays she’ll be more than happy to sell you a house in Ladera Ranch.
Girl #1 and Girl #2 are none too bright, seeing as how they’re drinking beer about twenty feet from the lifeguard tower. Mitch comes over and tells them to put the beers away, but they insist they’re over 21 and flirtatiously offer to show him their IDs. Gwen is watching, and for some reason, this whole scene causes her to whimper some more.
Just then, oh look, some guy needs rescuing. I’m guessing he got caught in that “dangerous rip”, or more likely, that “plot point”. Mitch whips off his sunglasses and runs into the water, and Gwen picks up his sunglasses, cradling them in her arms, absolutely thrilled at being able to hold one of Mitch’s personal possessions in her hands.
And now Mitch runs through the water in patented Baywatch Slo-Mo. He reaches the struggling swimmer, and then he actually picks the guy up and walks him to shore and… Wait, am I crazy, or was the guy drowning in waist-high water?
This display of heroics is melting Gwen’s heart. Girls #1 and #2 also watch the rescue, but they look less enthralled with Mitch and more like they’re concentrating on sticking their boobs and asses out as much as possible.
Mitch hands off the swimmer to two other lifeguards, and heads back to his tower. Gwen eagerly runs up and gives him his sunglasses back, totally in awe of how he saved that guy’s life. Mitch humors her a bit, saying the guy wasn’t “as smart as you” because he “didn’t ask what that flag meant.” Which may be an indication that putting up a sign with actual words might make more sense than hanging a flag that no one knows the meaning of.
Gwen is totally overcome and stumbling over her words. Mitch finally realizes he’s kind of stuck talking to this nutjob, so he decides to ask what she’s doing in town. Gwen says she and her sister are “traveling cross country in our trailer, seeeee?” She points to their trailer in the distance, and Mitch notes that she and her sister must be “tight” to be able to spend that much time in close quarters. Yes, you could say that.
Just then, Girls #1 and #2 come over and start tugging on Mitch, trying to get him to come party with them, but he insists he’s still on duty. This prompts Gwen to run off with a hilarious extended sustained “wooowooowoooo” whimper. She grabs her blanket and runs home.
And now we’re back from break, and Carrie-Anne Moss is in Mattie mode, with big sexy hair, in a pink one piece and wrap, walking her sexy self across the beach. The maudlin sounds of the ‘70s afterschool special have now been replaced with a sultry sax.
Mitch is closing up his lifeguard tower when he notices Mattie staring all sexy at the sunset. Mattie says she was really hoping to go for a swim, so Mitch throws out some lifeguard shop talk, telling her that the “Santa Anas are bringing in a pretty big swell” and “the rips are gonna be heavy”. See? He’s a lifeguard.
Mattie introduces herself, and Mitch is a bit quicker on the uptake than one would think, because he immediately asks if she has a sister named Gwen. Mattie complains that the trip would be so much more fun if Gwen wasn’t “such a drag”. Abruptly, she invites Mitch over to their trailer for dinner. Mitch tries to blow her off, saying he has plans tonight. So Mattie invites him over tomorrow night, and pleads with him to come over, saying they’re “strangers from a strange land” and only Mitch can tell them “what we can see and do here!”
Mitch looks at her, figures she’s not bad looking, thinks why the hell not?, and accepts the invitation. Mattie says she’ll see him tomorrow. Mitch tells her to “say hi to Guinevere”. This prompts Mattie to walk away with an angry look. Okay, Mitch, I think that might have been a red flag there. I’m only telling you this because it appears Gwen’s psycho killer stare wasn’t enough of a warning.