The Bachelor RECAP: Topless, Bottomless, and Pretty, Pretty Princesses (S19:E4)

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This week host Chris Harrison lets us know that—guess what, guys—Farmer Chris “sees his wife in this room.” OMYGOSH! Can you believe it! IN THIS ROOM! Helping him on this episode his journey to LOVE this week will be Chris’s three sisters. They will be the ones who decide who goes on the coveted one-on-one date.

Could one of these be the next Bachelorette? No. Absolutely not. (So is Chris, like, adopted?)

Chris’s family. Could one of these women be the next Bachelorette? No. Absolutely not.

The crazy kicks off with the first group date! Heading out for a surprise are: Megan (who had the first one-on-one), Kaitlin (who romanced Jimmy Kimmel at Costco last week), Ashley S. (who is crazy), Ashley I. (who is a “virgin” and/or Kardashian), Juelia (the blonde-haired widow), Samantha (seriously, I have NO IDEA), McKenzie (the teen mom), and Kelsey (boring).

The date card says, “Let’s do what comes naturally.” We don’t know what the date is going entail, but the use of NATURALLY, as in nature, has horrified most of the girls. We see the women and Farmer Chris roll away in convertibles down the coast. They wind up at a lake, and Chris is excited because this is “his element.”  KardAshley decides she is going to spice things up by taking off her top. Even though SHE IS A VIRGIN. Did you know she was a virgin? Kaitlyn, being down for anything, takes off her bottoms! Now it’s a party!

"I did what?"

“I did what?”

But wait, one lady is having NONE of it! Boring Kelsey says, “This is a date made for bimbos.”

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BIMBOS DON’T WEAR SHAWLS!

Farmer Chris actually wrote an online rebuttal to all the prudes (like Kelsey) who have been whining all over the internet for the last 24 hours:

Now, I know there’s been a lot of reaction to Kaitlyn’s little mooning trick off the dock, but what you don’t know is that the whole group of us was playing Truth or Dare. She was dared to do that and took on the challenge, as did Ashley I. with her bikini top. It’s a classic camping game, and it was all in good fun. Come on people, it was just a tush!

So there’s a little context the editors conveniently snipped out, for what it’s worth. Even with the flashing, this season has been pretty boring so I’m hoping this date brings us some Ashley on Ashley craziness!

Back at the mansion, the women are doing each other’s nails. I’m waiting for Chris’s three sisters to show up. When the doorbell rings, Crazy Creepy Carly the Cruise Ship Singer springs up like a Jack-in-the-Box to get the door, and her bug-eyes nearly fall out of her face. The sisters let the ladies know that they’re going to have some one-on-one time with each girl and decide who gets the solo date. The first person they sit down with is “I’d rather eat glass and listen to her” Whitney. Next on the hot seat is Brit the Hugger. She’s nervous that there are three sisters. Sedated Becca tells The Soule Sisters she’s okay going anywhere (even, gasp, Iowa). Then Jillian the Hulk says she’s up for a move. Carly talks to the Sisters Soule about the crappy guys in her past and her sweet grandpa. It’s as creepy as her face (although I still have my fingers X’d for a crazyoff between the Ashleys.) Next, Jade in her sweetest “I don’t do porn” voice tells The Soule Sisters that she models clothing, owns her own organic makeup line, and thinks relationships are about compromise! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Flawless victory

Flawless victory

Back at the group date, they are playing red rover. Seriously. Who came up with this activity? Kale?

Dark-haired Widow Kelsey is having none of it! In more words than she has ever previously uttered, she proceeds to piss and moan about how Michigan has the best lakes. A bug bit Kelsey earlier, but it now seems it crawled up her butt and died.

Chris lets the ladies know they are camping overnight! Megan and Kaitlin get their tent together with no problem. The brain trust that is McKenzie and KardAshley aren’t so lucky. KardAshley says she’s a camping virgin and a virgin camping, tee hee hee! (She is a virgin in case you did not know.)

Cruise Ship Carly has something to say about that.

The women are still in their bikinis, and Bachelor Chris is pitching a tent of his own. He says he’s ready to get this party started! KardAshley somehow found a place to put on the full set of false lashes and she means business. She is a virgin, and she wants the rose!

Chris and Kaitlin have a little one-on-one time, and she actually asks a good question about how he likes to be shown that someone is into him. He says he’s learned he is touchy-feely (mostly with his face), and she says words are the way to her heart. Awww! Kaitlin Is cool.

Sourpuss Kelsey is whiny and pouty, but is all smiles when Chris comes around. Sometimes she cackles, but the women all see through it.

Crazy Ashley is starting to get her crazy on! Tatee-tattee-tatee-tat-tah!

bach 19.4 resonates

Crazy Ashley asks Chris “what are you,” then kisses him like a French girl and says she loves him. If this makes zero sense, that is because Crazy Ashley is just visiting us from a different place…

Stares and Kisses and Mumbles - The Ashley S. Story

Stares and Kisses and Mumbles – The Ashley S. Story

The girls are scared for Chris’s life so they unite and call for him.

KardAshley slaps on her zink-pink and confesses that she has a “freakin’ crush,” like seriously, like you don’t even know.

Essential camping supplies

Essential camping supplies

But alas, Chris gives the rose to Kaitlin (yay) because nothing beats bottomless. Not everyone is as happy as me—KardAshley is SHOCKED!!! She thinks it must be because Chris does not know that she is a virgin. She is a virgin. She has never had a boyfriend. She says “freakin’” too much. She is a virgin. I don’t know why she thinks being an oddly inexperienced 20-something is such a plus? She decides that Chris needs to know RIGHT NOW she is a virgin. She sneaks into his tent and says nothing.

Now, Carly, we don’t really know what happened in that tent.

The next day, everyone is back at the pad when some crazy people come in screaming “Jade!” A pink-haired lady escorts Jade to the “Transformation Room.” Jade gets be-gowned, be-shoed, and be-jewelled. It’s a Cinderella-themed date. All the girls are jealous, but KardAshly thinks it’s FREAKIN’ crazy. She is pissed that Jade gets the princess date because if she got to speak with the Soule Sisters, she would’ve explained that she is like a Disney princess and that’s how she always describes herself.

ALL she wants to do is get dressed up as a princess and go on a date! What does this poor virgin have to do!!!!! KardAshley decides not to be sad and puts on a princess dress of her own! She eats corn and drinks champagne, which is the best thing she has done so far.

"I don't need Chris to make me feel like a princess! I just need a fancy dress and some corn!"

“I don’t need Chris to make me feel like a princess! I just need a fancy dress and some corn!”

"Oh, yeah. This is the shit."

“Oh, yeah. This is the shit.”

While Jade gets treated to the Royal makeover, everyone learns she’s going to get to keep the shoes and the earrings, and the girls are going crazy. Then there is a Cinderella movie promotional tie-in. And off Jade goes…

Chris doesn’t even know who is going to step out of the car. He prances around by himself, preparing to be a prince for the evening. He tells us, “He’s never been to a ball “‘cause he lives in Iowa,” because you know everybody from not-Iowa goes to balls all the time. Jade appears, and Chris looks super happy—especially after the “bed testing” from last week.

"I'm a pretty, pretty princess." - Chris

“I’m a pretty, pretty princess.” – Chris

Jade says things like, “I gedda keep these earrings.” Chris has another surprise up his sleeve, and there is a full orchestra playing as they dance. And there is more Cinderella promotion. Jade sux, but Chris thinks she is a “cute, perfect girl,” so cheers to them.

Like this means anything at this point.

Like this means anything at this point.

Date 2. Let’s get dirty.

 

Nikki the Invisible Cheerleader, Jillian the Hulk, Whitney the Cartoon-voiced Babymaker, Carly the Cruise Ship Singer, Britt the Hugger, and Becca the Boring get the next group date card, which says, “Let’s get dirty.”

Naturally, they have to put on wedding dresses. Jillian the Hulk is not feeling it.

THE BACHELOR RECAP: Topless, Bottomless, and Pretty, Pretty Princesses (S19:E4)

I didn’t realize Chris was Mormon.

The ladies realize that they’re going to be doing a “Muck Fest for MS,” which means basically they’re going to have to run, jump, swing, climb and crawl through a bunch of puddles of mud to raise money for multiple sclerosis—and, of course, slither into Chris’s heart. The prize is a one-on-one date.

Jillian the Hulk is suddenly completely in her element. She pulls way ahead of all the other women while they’re stuck at the first mud puddle. Jillian the Hulk is also clearly going to kick Chris’s ass, too, so he pretends to hang back to help the ladies. Shocker! Jillian wins!

Well, that proved... something.

Well, that proved… something.

On the one-on-one, Jillian the Hulk tries to play “would you rather” with Farmer Chris, which is a reasonable get-to-know-you game. But then she is asking if she’s got shit in her teeth, and Chris is feeling like the romantic setting might not be matching the company. Jillian the Hulk gets a little ahead of herself thinking about how awesome it’s going to feel when she walks into the ceremony already holding a rose. Chris is trying to tell Jillian in a nice way that he’s not feeling it. In fact, he says, “I’m not feeling it.”

Welcome to the gun show.

Welcome to the gun show.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, no.

Jillian the Hulk does not like to lose. Risking life and limb, Farmer Chris sticks to his guns and sends The Hulk a-packin’. Hulk sad. 🙁

bach 19.4 hulk sad

Let the cocktail party begin! Megan the Makeup Artist whips a ribbon out from in between her boobs and plays a lil’ taste-smell-touch, but she forgets touch. Megan is dumb.

KardAshley is still not sure if Chris received her virgin message. She is a virgin. So she tells Chris again, this time with words. Guess what! Boring Becca is a virgin, too! But, like, in a non-megalomaniacal way, because she does not think it is a big deal. Also, she’s boring.

So then Brit the Hugger makes a BAD move. For her one-on-one time with Chris, she actually attacks his choice to give Fun-but-Slutty Kaitlin a rose and said she heard it was because she was getting undressed and a lot of stuff about sex. Putting Chris on the defense is never a very smart move. “Why is that behavior being validated?” she demands, which I guess is technically a get-to-know-you question, but a pretty off-putting one. Chris ain’t having it. Boom, Chris puts his foot down, saying, I’m here to find a wife, and if you don’t like that, don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Sorry, Britt, assertive and self-confident are not what Chris is looking for.

Sorry, Britt, assertive and self-confident are not what Chris is looking for.

And now for the final rose ceremony. Rose number one goes to Whitney, who even whispers annoyingly. Next is Crazy Creepy Cruise Ship Carly, then Megan the Ditzy Makeup Artist, Invisible Samantha (who’s under the radar strategy seems to be working), Teen Mom McKenzie, Kelsey the Sourpuss, Boring Becca the Virgin, KardAshley the “Virgin,” and last but not least Bad Move Britt.

Joining Jillian on the bus home are Juelia the Blonde Widow, Nikki (who I have never heard speak), and Crazy Crazy Ashley. Ashley will be missed, but I am sure they need her back from whence she came.

Until next time, Batches!

TV Show: The Bachelor

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