The Bachelor: Ballin' in Bali

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Welcome to Fantasy (Suite) Island! Chris takes his three surviving honeys to Indonesia to do the nasty, international-style. 


 

We are in Bali, and it’s the week of the overnight dates!

First is Kaitlyn the Cool, and they meet up at a temple. The catch, says Farmer Chris, is they can’t kiss inside the temple. Since talking, eating, and breathing rank only second, third, and fourth on the list of things Chris does with his mouth, I suspect this is going to be a lot harder on him than it is on her.

Kaitlyn tell us that she’s been thinking about Chris nonstop since she last saw him. They stroll around the streets of Bali, and Chris seems pretty comfortable. Maybe he should consider ditching Iowa for Indonesia if he’s serious about making it work with Kaitlyn.

Chris and Kaitlyn wind up in a tropical jungle full of monkeys. They climb up Chris’s shoulder, and it’s so cool! Chris asks her if she’s nervous, and she says she is—but not about the wildlife. Kaitlyn’s family totally loved Chris, making her that much more vulnerable if she gets rejected. She’s not finding it easy to expose her feelings to him.

GIVE ME THE ROSE, HUMAN!

When the evening part of their date comes around, Kaitlyn is nervous. She talks about feeling vulnerable and terrified, and Chris says it’s okay because that’s how you find out if you are in love. (Is it me or is Chris getting hotter?) After a makeout session, Chris gives Kaitlyn the keys to the fantasy suite. She says, “I can’t imagine saying no to that,” and Chris responds with a creepy WINK. It works anyway, and Kaitlyn tells Chris that she’s completely falling in love with him. Chris says he’s falling in love with her as well, but what else is he supposed to say when he’s trying to get her into bed. Which he totally does.

Next up is Squeaky Whitney. She does the whole “look where we are” and “I’ve never seen anything like this” tourist bit. But she’s a bit on edge because her sister didn’t give Chris her blessing. Chris tells her it doesn’t change anything for him—and of course not, he doesn’t even know that bitch. Still, if I’m reading his face right, he seemed much more into Kaitlyn.

But he's totally making out with her! That's gotta mean something, right?!

But he’s making out with her! That’s gotta mean something, right?!

Whitney is a sweetie-pie, but Chris seems to have more fun with Kaitlyn, who has spunk Whitney just can’t match. And yet Whitney is absolutely confident that she’s going to marry Chris.

She tells him she loves him. He says, “Thanks.” OUCH.

Now it’s time for their evening date, and wow, Whitney sure likes her fluorescent clothing.

Lemon-lime Gatorade is the new black.

Lemon-lime Gatorade is the new black.

Chris is concerned that Whitney has a very full life in Chicago and knows it’s critical that he ask her how she truly feels about potentially living in Iowa. Whitney consistently says all the right things like a well trained pageant girl. Although she loves her career and worked really hard to get where she is, she’d totally ditch that bullshit for a man. Being a wife and mom is all the matters. That’s what a man wants to here! Well, it’s what Farmer Chris wasn’t to hear anyway.

And he's from Iowa. Rick Santorum just put Farmer Chris on his speed dial.

And he’s from Iowa? I think Rick Santorum just put Farmer Chris on his speed dial.

Chris rewards her by saying he’s falling in love with her. (Where have we heard that before?) Sure enough, that’s the cue Chris wants some nekkid sexytimes, and he offers to show her how babies are really made in the fantasy suite. Whitney’s a good girl so she has to make Chris sweat a little before making him sweat a lot; she pretends to be on the fence. But when Chris says, “I think we need some time alone,” Whitney answers, “Check, please!” And off they go to do some inseminatin’.

I'm actually not sure which girl that is underneath Chris, and I'm not sure he is either.

I’m not 100% sure which girl that is underneath Chris, and I’m not sure he is either.

Okay, sure, those sluts were pretty much sure things, but what about Boring Becca the Virgin? The producers saved her for last for a reason. Primarily because she offers the most suspense, but also in case Chris is too exhausted from two straight nights of monkey love-making, she won’t know enough to be disappointed.

Chris is worried that Becca has never been in love before. But he doesn’t know the half of it, because he’s still in the dark about the whole virgin thing. He’s excited to spend the day trying to get her out of her pants shell.

Still totally thinking about Kaitlyn in the fantasy suite.

Still totally thinking about Kaitlyn in the fantasy suite.

They meet with the village medium, who thinks they should make whoopee. She knows who’s signing her paychecks here (the producers).

Chris knows how to get Becca wet… swimming! They make out in the water for a while, and just like Pinocchio becoming a real boy, Becca starts to get a funny feeling like she’s never felt before. Kind of like a sneeze, only better? Becca says she guesses “that’s what falling in love feels like.”

Chris knows his cue when he hears it. He’s ready to take the party back to the fantasy suite, but Becca drops the virgin bomb on him. Chris takes it in stride, mostly because he’s not entirely sure that means “no.” Becca says she’s been saving herself for marriage, BUT she’s falling in love with him so maybe that’s good enough? Nah, Chris will be stuck with Rosy Palm tonight.

Good thing he bookmarked those pictures of Jade.

Good thing he bookmarked those pictures of Jade.

Chris is stressed out about having really strong feelings for all three women. He wants to bring them all home to meet his family, but rules are rules. Someone’s gotta get the boot. The only difference between Becca and other girls, says Chris, is that she hasn’t put out outright declared that ZOMG I’M SO IN LOVE WITH YOU AND WANT TO GO TO IOWA AND HAVE YOUR BABIES RIGHT NOW. Like that’s too much to ask? Seriously, what’s her fucking problem?

Hey, it’s Host Chris Harrison! He’s made it to Bali, and he milks the drama like Farmer Chris milks a cow.

The two Chrises dress up as gay karate instructors and head to one of the most sacred temples in Bali. No getting freaky here, warns Host Chris.

Chris is a fourth-degree periwinkle flower belt.

Host Chris is a fourth-degree periwinkle flower belt.

 

The women are waiting, and Chris tells them this is going to be in “excruciating decision.”

Then he asks to talk to Becca in private. Whitney grins like she’s just won the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

But Chris isn’t giving Becca the boot—not yet anyway. They talk through their feelings, which they convince each other they both have, then rejoin the group. Huh. I guess Chris got something out of that, but I’m not sure the audience did.

Okay, rose time.

THE BACHELOR: Ballin' in Bali

When in doubt, pick the two with the biggest boobs.

The first rose goes to Whitney. And, oh my God, the second rose goes to Becca.

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?! SAYS KAITLYN/THE AUDIENCE.

Chris is an idiot, but the corn wants what the corn wants.

Kaitlyn’s befuddled and more than a little pissed. Fortunately, when she gets a chance to calm down, she’ll realize there’s no chance in hell ABC will pick either of those other squeaky/boring women to be the next Bachelorette. Kaitlyn is a shoo-in to get the real prize—and it ain’t Farmer Chris.

TV Show: The Bachelor

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