Are You Afraid of the Dark? “The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket” (part 1 of 2)

And now, it’s time to visit once again with our friends in the Midnight Society. We start off with Sam in front of the campfire, so engrossed in an old book that she doesn’t even notice when the other kids try to get her attention.

Tucker tries to pour a bucket of water over Sam’s head for some laughs, but Gary stops him. Normally, I’d call Gary a lame-ass for this, but clearly he’s just trying to get into Sam’s pants, so I guess I can’t totally blame him. There are definitely worse ways to get a girlfriend.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket" (part 1 of 2)

When the gang finally gets Sam’s attention, she smiles and says she was so totally into this history book that she didn’t notice what was going on around her. I’m all about enjoying books, Sam, but seriously, you’ve got to keep your wits about you. You’re a pretty blonde girl out in the woods at night. If this were a horror movie, you’d be the first one to die a grisly death.

Frank acts like a dick, and makes fun of Sam for enjoying history so much. Sam’s all, “Shut up, Frank, you totally weren’t complaining when you asked me to study history the other day after school.” Is that what the kids are calling it these days? “Studying history”?

Frank smirks and says he just wanted to hang out and stuff, because he’s really good at hanging out (that’s what she said), unlike lame-asses like Gary.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket" (part 1 of 2)

So Gary grabs a rock and is all, “Eff you, Frank! My dad owns a magic shop! And I’m gonna make this rock disappear into your skull!” As the boys begin a fight to the death, Tucker takes bets on who will be the sole survivor.

Ahem… Actually, Gary just kind of looks down, and Tucker asks Sam to start her story. But don’t you just wish Gary would kick Frank’s ass? Just a little bit? I make fun of Gary a lot, but I think Frank is a smug jerk… which is probably why I was so attracted to him as a young girl. Go figure.

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Sam sits down and explains in her dramatic “story” voice that history can repeat itself. And if you don’t learn from the past, you’re doomed to repeat its mistakes… Dum dum dum!

Then we cut to a regular old American high school classroom, where Will Friedle, the big brother from Boy Meets World, is staring longingly at a pretty girl sitting across the room.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket" (part 1 of 2)

Will is playing Jimmy, a smart guy who’s totally hot in his knickers for April, though he’s way too much of a wuss to tell her so. During class, April catches Jimmy staring at her, and kind of smiles at him. Awww.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket" (part 1 of 2)

After school, while Jimmy and his Bill Cosby sweater are taking their usual route home through the park, he suddenly hears a horse neighing loudly from somewhere nearby.

Then he notices an old knife lying on the ground, and crouches down to investigate. So… Jimmy’s scared of cute girls, but he’s not scared of being shivved while walking alone in a semi-secluded wooded area? He’s a complicated man, that Jimmy.

But then, just as he reaches down to examine the knife, a dirty hand comes out from the bushes and grabs him! AhhHhHhH!!

Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket" (part 1 of 2)

Jimmy screams like a girl and then hauls ass out of there, but not before catching a brief glimpse of the guy in the bushes, who judging from his outfit is either a time traveler or an escaped Colonial Williamsburg cast member. In any case, good move, Jimmy. You’ll definitely survive longer than that dummy Sam.

Funny story: As a kid, I actually thought that Jimmy was a total wuss for running off. Seriously. I thought he should have stayed around and confronted the dirty guy lingering in the bushes, guarding a knife. I imagined myself totally taking charge of the situation, which is very realistic, since chubby little twelve-year-old Filipino girls are known for their ability to kick ass and take names.

The next day at school, Jimmy approaches April at her locker and tries to say something witty about how boring class was today. For most kids, this would be a safe topic, but April is Asian, so she’s obligated to really like school. Jimmy backtracks and says that he wishes the teacher would talk faster, which is why the class is, erm, so boring?

He tries to ask April to go ice skating this weekend, but gets totally cock-blocked by some other dude with a lot more confidence than Jimmy.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket" (part 1 of 2)

April tells the other guy she already has plans with Jimmy, but Jimmy is all, “It’s cool, I’m a total loser, you should go hang out with the other guy,” while pretending to go get something from his locker. So I guess it’s not so much a cock-block as it is a douche flair-up.

After school, Jimmy is all upset and shit as he walks home… through the same park, on the same path as before. So Jimmy was smart enough to run away from the crazy guy with a knife in the bushes, but obviously not smart enough to figure out a new route home for a while, or for that matter, call the police on the guy.

He hears the horse again, and sees the same colonial-looking guy running around, only this time he’s carrying a musket. Jimmy, rapidly losing IQ points, follows the guy and wanders off the path, deeper into the wooded section of the park, yelling out badass shit like, “You think I don’t see you? Why don’t you come out here? I’m not scared of you!” Did Jimmy just morph into Shaft or something?

He’s way less tough when the guy comes up behind him, frantically asking the way to Harrisville. Jimmy and Colonial Guy share a moment, then have to haul balls when a bunch of Redcoats comes out of the woods and starts shooting at them. Colonial Guy yells that if they’re captured, they’ll be hanged.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket" (part 1 of 2)

They hide out in a little pit behind some logs, but one of the Redcoats catches up and seems just about ready to bayonet both of their honky asses. Ruh-roh! As Jimmy cowers in the fetal position, Colonial Guy gets up and prepares to make his heroic last stand…

…and in the next shot, Jimmy lays there screaming at… nothing. Colonial Guy and the Redcoat are gone, but guess who just happens to walk by?

Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket" (part 1 of 2)

Oopsie.

Jimmy tries to salvage the situation by pretending that he’s looking for his contact lens. But there’s no word on why this would involve curling into the fetal position and screaming. I think it would have been way more believable for Jimmy to tell them he was high on PCP or something. In any case, as he pretends to look for his non-existent contact lens, Jimmy finds something much more interesting: a button off of Colonial Guy’s coat.

The following day, Jimmy goes to an antique store and has the button appraised by a guy who looks an awful lot like the Northern Colonel Sanders.

Caption contributed by R.G. Quimby

Is it just me, or does it sort of look like they’re about to kiss?

The Colonel tells Jimmy that the button is from a colonial soldier’s coat, and yet it looks really, really new. The Colonel also explains that the park Jimmy walks through every day was the site of a Revolutionary War battle between the British and a bunch of Minutemen.

After school, Jimmy, April, and their douche-flair-inducing friend go to the park to hang out and play frisbee. Um, Jimmy, maybe you should try to stay away from the haunted park with dangerous ghosts trying to kill you. Just a tip.

Jimmy accidentally throws the frisbee into the woods, so he tells April and the other guy (I don’t think he ever gets a name) to go on without him while he goes into the woods to search for it.

Once off the path, Jimmy predictably hears the sounds of horses and musket fire again. He decides to GTFO before anything crazy happens, but gets caught and surrounded by the Brits.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket" (part 1 of 2)

Bummer.

They’re leading Jimmy to their camp, where it looks like they’re about to hang him. Just then, a musket shot rings out nearby. It’s Colonial Guy, who screams, “Long live liberty!”

Thank God those musket rifles took a long time to load, because if he did that today, he’d be so dead. Colonial Guy frees Jimmy, and they run off into the woods and hide in a little clearing. Colonial Guy begs Jimmy to guide him to Harrisville, where he needs to deliver a locket to a girl named Emmaline. Colonial Guy is in love with Emmaline, but never had the guts to come out and tell her. He hopes that by going to Harrisville and giving her a pretty locket, he can prove his love for her and stop her wedding to a man she doesn’t love.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket" (part 1 of 2)

Colonial Guy says that he and Jimmy “share the same spirit.” He then gives Jimmy his knife “to bind our friendship.” Yeesh. Colonial Guy, I’m sure you’re a nice guy. There’s really no need to keep giving people things all the time so they’ll be friends with you. You’re coming off as a tad desperate.

Multi-Part Article: Are You Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket"
TV Show: Are You Afraid of the Dark?

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