'American Horror Story: Coven' Recap: WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOXXXXXXX?????

Where you going, Queenie? Why you under the bridge or … where are you? Oooh, a mean old homeless man is gonna rape and carve you up into “big thick slices” but you nail yourself, with nails, which is really not a surprise at this point, Show. Probably could have done without the suspense music after she picked up the board, with the nails in it.

The girls show up, Madison and Zoe, all wassup, whai no coven whaiiiii????, and Queenie is all “I do voodoo now, white bitchez! Marie Laveau hipped me to it, and y’all honkies can go honk yourselves” or whatever.

zoe and madison zzzzz

Come back, things are changing in our shitshow coven, say the girls, there is a new Supreme! And Queenie says yeah, Fiona sold me that bullshit too. Which is true! Fiona did sell her that bullshit! How do we know Fiona sold her bullshit? Because Fiona’s lips were moving.

Queenie reaches into the would-be rapist’s ribcage (whom she then tells us is not a would-be rapist so much as a very-much-did rapist) and in an excellent camera shot from inside his organs, she pulls out his evil dark heart. She is all like “black power let’s have a war crackers” and they are all like “shoes?”

Fiona lies in her beautiful rich bed in her beautiful rich mansion and throws up all the beautiful rich brunch from her chemo or something. Axeman wants them to run away to Paris, Rome, Marrakesh, spend a sexy month throwing up their Parisian, Roman and Marrakeshian brunches before her hair and teeth fall out and she turns into living decay. Fiona does not want him to see her like this, no way, no how, not even for one last great love. You know, one last great love with the axe-murdering serial killer daddy figure ghost.

The-Axeman

No big, Patti Lupone is just giving her son a toilet-cleanser enema to clean his sins out from the inside, as you do.

Bitch Cordy is laying down some law, but then Misty Day is at the door telling a flashback within a flashback, it is confusing. First flashback there is zombie Frances Conroy all “how do you do, I have come to inform you of the man with the gun who stepped on my face” and now Misty is here because she has been found by the man with the gun who stepped on Frances Conroy’s face? We guess?

Cordelia switches from bitch to grand can-do: This coven is now Misty Day’s home; her problems theirs. It’s a lovely little scene. Oh, Misty Day, all that time alone in your beautiful shack, with all of mother nature around you, when you could have been chilling with all this estrogen and these awful teenage girls, in the middle of town, in this mansion.

“Can my friend stay also?” Misty Day asks. “I left her out back in the greenhouse,” which is of course where you always leave what you dug out of your corpse garden.

Duh, of course Misty Day is the new Supreme, with how she is awesomely powerful with the revivifying because when she revivifies people they can talk normal and not be brain-damaged and stuff. Why didn’t that even occur to me, with all the back and forth of is Madison the new Supreme? Is Zoe the new Supreme? Is maybe Cordelia the new Supreme? Is who fucking cares the new Supreme? Good job, Show. Misty’s the most interesting of all these characters, plus also easy on the eyes.

misty day

Zoe, Madison and Kyle have some boring threeway scene while Zoe and Madison fight about the helpless zombie baby, just as do any two parents who are fucking the zombie baby. Why can’t he watch porn and jerk off? No, why can’t he learn and rejoin society and enjoy life? Boring, dudes. Bring Misty Day back. Or Spalding. Or Nan! Nan’s great! More Nan! Anything but Zoe and Madison.

Now it is time for the sacred Taking, which is when they get the old Supreme to suicide herself so they can have the new Supreme. “She’s brought back more people from the dead than Jesus Christ,” says someone, Frances Conroy I think, I forget. Show, was it not enough that you were about witches? Did you have to slag our lord and savior Jesus Christ SPECIFICALLY? And call him a weak old pansy? Oh, you did? Ok, carry on.

So we get some Witch History, and that is that the Salem witches traveled down to New Orleans to escape the burning stakes in good ol’ Mass, and Frances Conroy is once again a perfect Frances Conroy (oh, and her boiled bird skin is now almost fixed too, that is how good Misty is at planting dead people in the corpse garden and watering them until they’re healed). Can you imagine thsoe poor Salem witches traveling down here in covered wagons, she asks, “without a charcuterie platter or proper bidet. Absolutely savage!”

So hey, it is time to talk Fiona into killing herself for the good of the coven. Do you think she’ll be amenable, her daughter Cordelia? “Not without a push.”

Madison’s scene with Fiona is as bad as all her other scenes. Is it partly the writing? Maybe, but if the tables were turned, Jessica Lange could turn “God knows [the bed’s] not getting any action from you, Grandma” into a diamond-sharpened dagger of magnificent hilarity instead of impotent bratty snotty teenage meh that intimidates exactly no one.

Nope, it’s definitely the acting. Emma Roberts, we are sorry you have to act opposite Jessica Lange, it is not at all fair, and also you are terrible, we hate you, please die again and stay dead this time Jesus.

And now the ghost of Christmas present, Frances Conroy, shows up to have some one-on-one time with her murderer, Fiona “Goode.” She and Madison both tell Fiona that Madison is the new Supreme. Why? Don’t know, and it makes less than zero sense. Fiona has very little respect for Madison (WHO COULD) and could hardly think that killing herself in favor of Madison would leave the coven in more capable hands. Why on earth hide the fact that the new Supreme is an actual grown-up woman and powerful witch?

Myrtle (fine, that is Frances Conroy’s “name”) tells Fiona kill herself or die at the stake, the Axeman will leave her before the end, she will die hairless and alone. It is almost as if Myrtle does not care for Fiona! Weird.

Nan is sad that they don’t think she can be Supreme, so she goes next door to see her enema boyfriend, but Hank the witch assassin is watching from outside.

Fiona prepares her own corpse as Myrtle holds the mirror for her. Fiona reminisces about the men she loved at Woodstock, while Myrtle is sympathetic and silent. One of Fiona’s lovers was “Levon,” and we are just going to assume that was Levon Helm, because best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceRg_rxXQ_E

She only reminisces about her lovers, not her daughter, not any friends, except to say that her beautiful daughter is her most “terrible failure,” but then she remembers she should say something nice about her, so she does sort of.

Myrtle says only “and you’ve chosen the perfect color for your lips. I could never pull off the corals.”

As Fiona kills herself, all bitterness and envy leaves Myrtle, she is gentle, a witness even for this woman she’d hated for 50 years. She still takes all the jewelry though, paste or not.

Spalding greets Fiona in the afterlife/the Gloaming/the haunty part. He is there to save her from the overdose with some ipecac. “You don’t understand. I’m finally trying to do something decent. Something noble for the coven.” He won’t permit it, lesser witches buffaloing her. So that’s why they pretended it was Madison? because her snobbery wouldn’t have allowed her to give up for a Swamp Witch? That makes no sense, Madison is awful, useless, unformed. Wouldn’t she at least see beautiful Misty as a worthy successor?

Well Fiona is not having it, because the writing doesn’t make sense, and she is gonna avenge her own murder then Spalding’s, even though he’s obviously in the corporeal plane if he can hand people spoons of emetic, plus now he can talk again, so what exactly is to avenge? (Of course, why Zoe killed him in the first place is beyond anyone’s ken, these witches be crazy.)

Ohai Kathy Bates you are in a cage, eating a hamburger. “Whatever did I do to deserve this betrayal?” she asks, as if she honestly does not know. “Didn’t you like my pot pie? My peach crumble?”

Laveau catches Queenie feeding “the animals.”

“Whatcha gonna do, kill me?” Bates scoffs. “I cain’t die!” She is just gonna be racist about Obama now and hope to live in a box until the “natural order” is restored.

Laveau will cut her hand off so Bates will maybe be afraid of her. Cool plan.

Patti Lupone gets laser-shooted by the witch assassin probably, and so does cute son, and Nan is sad. Sad Nan.

Myrtle is playing doleful dirges on the piano as they all wait for Fiona to die and Misty to elevate.

“Your feet should be getting warmer.” “I’m told it should start as a tingle in the cooch!” Nah mang says Fiona, “more like a migraine, KILL THE SWAMP WITCH.”

Oh wait, more like, “revivify Patti Lupone, Swamp Witch,” ok. Why does Fiona want Swamp Witch to revivify Patti Lupone? Well, so they can get the most out of Patti Lupone’s casting, obviously, but my, these ladies really don’t have a lick of strategy or plan to them, just reacting, never acting, they are an irrational mess. WOMYN.

Cordy finds a spent bullet and sees Hank maybe with her Sight but she still can’t see it is Hank maybe, just the “assassin.”

Zoe goes up for some Zombie Love, or actually she is not really interested, Kyle is sad. Baby wants fucking. Oh, also he can talk now so he tells her he loves her, real halting and Madison stands outside the door and cries.

Fiona and Cordy are having some mother-daughter bonding, just like the first time we met them: “We both know I tried to orchestrate your death last night, cut the shit,” says Cordelia. “You my dear, I’m so proud. You really are my daughter.” She and the girls finally showed some real grit. And when Cordy found the silver bullet she was glad Fiona was still there to lead them.

Oh look it is a box on the porch.

WHAT IS IN THE BOOOOOOOXXZXXX.

Is it a dick?

Oh it is just Gwyneth Paltrow’s Kathy Bates’ living head gasping heeeeeeelp and it is awesome.

'American Horror Story: Coven' Recap: WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOXXXXXXX?????

Go read more of our Coven recaps, why don’t you?

TV Show: American Horror Story

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  • Farb

    After reading this, I’m gonna put my SIG-Sauer to the flatscreen and blow it to smithereens with a 9mm hollowpoint.

  • Annie Towne

    Your recap was much more entertaining than the episode. I think the writers are using the confetti method of plotting: write out a few brief scenes, cut the pages into bits, throw up in the air, tape the bits together and shoot.