Apr 17, 2018
'American Horror Story: Coven' Recap -- (Sex With) The Dead
There is nothing wrong with Toto’s “Rosanna,” nothing at all, not even when a bunch of frat bros are in the frame, flexing and spurting their testosterone all over the place. This time at least, the frat bros are able to keep from raping everything in sight, maybe because “everything in sight” is currently some big tough tattoo artists. That’s right, the bros are getting tattoos and being drunk, and Kyle, who is ALIIIIIIVE, is the only one not doing it. Is he Jewish? Maybe, but that is not the stated reason! “Nah dude,” he says, “my mom would kill me.” His buddy makes a pretty good “ima fuck your mom joke,” and I approve, as I approve of all “ima fuck your mom” jokes. In fact, here is the funniest thing I have ever said, IN MY LIFE, and it was to a TerribleNewsForTerriblePeople.com commenter, I think at our Drunky Thing in Austin. First I said something about his mom, and how I had fucked her, last night. And then, whoever it was said his mom was dead, and I said “THAT’S RIGHT I FUCKED YOUR GHOST MOM.” Oh man, I still laugh thinking about that, and did I even know there would come a day when we would be recapping ghost and zombie fucking? I DID NOT.
Chew on that!
There is some ribbing, for her pleasure, but Kyle has plans, man! He is going to be an engineer and fix the levees and not have tattoos so he can get an awesome job making sure Katrina never happens again instead of not getting the job making sure Katrina never happens again because of some dumb fucking tattoo. His buddies think that’s good and they pretty much stop giving him shit, because RESPEC’.
Oh but now he is a zombie and he sees tattoos on his leg because of how it is his buddy’s leg because of how Madison and Zoe put Humpty AND Dumpty together again, aiyeee, also bee-tee-dubs, he is shackled. Is he crying and screaming because he is getting memories back? Is he a shambling, mute zombie instead of a totally fine Madison-styley zombie because the girls’ didn’t have enough power to do an awesome spell like Misty Day?
Also Zoe is gonna shoot him. That seems fair.
Maidson is smoking, being a zombie, and talking about Millennialism. Gang rape. Drugs. Alcohol. Families. Oh, I get it, we are supposed to care about Madison again (for the first time). “I will give anything I have or will ever have just to feel pain again. Also, stuff about my nipples.” Something in Cordy or Fiona’s herb garden (not sure) gives her her peach-colored skin back. That was easy.
Zoe is so dumb. She is SO DUMB. She talks at Kyle for a while about how she has to kill him, for just enough time for him to easily and with one motion take away her pretty little pistol.
Dumb fucking Zoe! Did you tell him about the plot with the sharks with frickin’ laser beams too, while you were at it? But it is okay Kyle is just gonna kill himself because “sad,” AND ZOE STOPS HIM.
For the rest of this American Horror Story: Coven recap, we will just repeat the line “Zoe is a fucking idiot” 153 times. That cool by you?
Queenie and Delphine LaLurie are having some them time, boy howdy are they getting thick as thieves, all because Mme. LaLurie isn’t racist any more, because Christmas miracle and also Minotaur wang. This time they are jawing over fast food and racism and fatness and more racism. Fun!
Hank the witch assassin wants to come home, but Cordelia’s like “nah” and then she goes downstairs and Second Sights Fiona’s murder of Madison. BY ACCIDENT! But still.
Fiona and the Axeman are gonna get it on now. (It turns out — we should have known — Axeman is a real true life New Orleanian too! Funtimes in New Orleans, y’all!) The Axeman is played by Danny Huston. We know he is Anjelica’s brother, but they couldn’t have cast a handsomer man for Miss Lange?
Fiona goes back to his gross, nasty apartment. How does he have an apartment? He’s a ghost! Even a really crappy one with roaches and rusty sinks and scabbiness …. oh that’s how he has an apartment, he murdered that guy in the tub. GOT IT. He wants Fiona to stay but her hair starts to fall out so she gets supermean and calls his place a roach infested shithole. She’s like I’m not staying I’m a rancid old bitch, and he’s like how about some sex? And she says “okay.”
So they do some sex to the cheesy sax montage, and all the lightbulbs pop from the fury of their gasming. Again, I am familiar with this phenomenon.
OH GUESS WHAT NOW ZOE IS TAKING OFF KYLES HANDUFFS BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE IS. Fuckin’ Zoe alaksjdf ;lkasdjfklsdjfklsdjflksdjfklsdjfklsdjfsd
So she is like “It is not your fault you are so grumpy, you big ol’ grumpmonster! It is because you can’t communicate! So she tries to teach him English, with flash cards, and he goes “FOOOOOOOODD.” But it did not last long before he freaked out, and then he ate a bite of food with a spoon and then freaked out about THAT.
Madison comes in and lounges around with no memory of Kyle. She quickly gets rid of Zoe and then immediately tries to rape Kyle, which usually doesn’t end well. But they have a heart to zombie, and she is like “hey smexy, I am dead too, let us be sad together and also fuck.” Kyle goes in to hug her and hold her and kiss her shoulder. Misty Day was dead too, why didn’t Kyle kiss on her shoulder? I guess she didn’t talk enough about it. Talk talk talk, that is all the zombies ever want.
Angela Bassett has awesome long braids past her butt, GOD she is so beautiful. She is talking to Queenie, about how terrible all those bastard white bitches are over at Miss Robichaux’s, when Queenie is like, but, they aren’t racist? They like me? They don’t care about me being black? “They care plenty,” Laveau spits. “Their power is built on the sweat of our backs.”
Laveau is getting all up in Queenie’s lonely head — just think how lonely you would have to be if you accepted Mme. LaLurie for your bosom companion — and she dangles before her the carrot of community, belonging, a tribe. “You wanna come live with us? With your own people? Price of admission is Delphine LaLurie.”
Now we are on Cordy and Zoe, the two most boring people on this show, for a boring-off. “You are one hotshit witch. Power like yours does not go unnoticed. You’ve got a bullseye on your back,” Cordelia tells Zoe, and Zoe is all like “dumb girl says what?” Oh, it’s totally simple, Cordelia assures her: “We’re going to kill my mother. Kill her once, kill her good, kill her dead.”
Zoe has a lot to think about now! What with somebody being out to kill her and somebody else inviting her to kill her right back! She walks into her room, where Kyle and Madison are doing it pretty good up against an armoire. Man, Zoe has had a day!
And we are back to Axeman’s sexxxy bachelor fuckpad, where Fiona whispers some sweet nothings: “It was a charming evening, but that dead body in your bathtub is starting to giving off some noxious fumes. Oh also I have called the police, byeeeeeee.” But then Axeman is like, oh, did you know? I have been watching over you since you were eight years old? I threw a bookcase on a senior-year bully? Also, “where others only saw the ruthless mamipulator, I saw so much more. While at first he was like a ghostdad, now he’s in love not like a father like a man. This goes back to that super creeper weird speech about how she recognized her power over men the first time she saw her reflection in her daddy’s eyes, and it also goes back to this:
Well, apparently Fiona has issues about Bill Cosby on top of all her other issues on issues, because she starts a yellin’ like a lady what got a real mean brain tumor: What was that, a mercy lay?
It was a, a culmination.
Gross, dude! And Fiona pissed, y’all.
Spalding is lying on a bed in an olive kimono. He is shackled. “How are you feeling?” Zoe asks him. “Fine, I feel fine,” he says before he realizes he is talking and starts flicking his tongue around like a snake or a pervert or a pervert snake. They have a very long conversation for the audience’s benefit about how she found the enchanted tongue and Spalding can’t lie and now Zoe is gonna get FOR REAL the TRUTH.
She’s got the tongue restoring spell on an old rolodex card, from before we had rolodexes in our phones, that is awesome. How long do you think it took props to find a rolodex?
So Spalding moans painfully that Fiona killed Madison and then Zoe says something unnecessarily mean and shitty about how Spalding isn’t even in the coven and then she stabs him to death. Um? Why you kill Spalding, Zoe? What’d he ever do to you but keep your friend Madison safe in a box?
I am finally beginning to enjoy Queenie and LaLurie’s friendship; for once Bates doesn’t seem to be hamming but is just easing into chatter and whatnot. She has a friend! And a friend has to love you no matter how many slaves you torture to death, that is the law of friendship! And my, she does have just one “slight regret” that she would like to get off her chest, and that is the bad thing she is about to do to this nice housemaid what just had a baby with a complexion as light as cream.
Yes, that is a very bad thing she did to that housemaid. Very bad indeed.
Queenie is crying, but we guess LaLurie doesn’t feel quite so bad as she thought she did, as she explains that they “couldn’t have a high yalla bastard growing up in our house, laying claim to our fortune. We buried her with her baby, it was the right thing to do. You must understand it wasn’t only a different time it was a different world!”
Madison confronts Zoe about she, Madison, was fucking Zoe’s zombie boyfriend. Is Madison done with him? Nope. She is not gonna give him up. But that doesn’t mean Zoe can’t have him too. Madison takes Zoe by the hand to the bed, where Kyle waits. Two zombies, one shtup.
Fiona is back at the jazz club, smiling at Axeman. “Can I buy you a drink?” she purrs at him. “Yeah!” He smiles. Now he is a happy ax murderer ghost.
Queenie is helping Kathy change her hair style. Like a “true friend.” By bringing to her Madame Laveau, as a true friend does.
Bassett is in an awesome red jumpsuit. LaLurie is wearing an aesome tiger sweatshirt, and whoops now she is up in a torture chamber. They gonna scythe her face off, and Queenie is gifted with the first cut. “I’d love to,” she says
Laveau is putting some Delphine-A on her face, and that is how you look so young. Hahahahaha Beeyoootiful!