'American Horror Story: Coven' Recap -- Moms And Daughters, So Complicated!

Welcome to your belated “American Horror Story: Coven” recap, in which we will look at the relationships between mothers and daughters, over and over again, with different moms and different daughters. Moms! Sometimes they try to kill you! Sometimes they aren’t even your real mom but instead are mom figures! Sometimes their hearts grow three sizes when they think you tried to save them from a Minotaur but don’t even know you were looking to pop your cherry on some Minotaur horn! It is just what happens with moms, and it is all in a day’s work for the ladies of “American Horror Story: Coven,” of which this is a recap!

We are back in The Day — you know, the good old days, when Madame LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) could own some people and then torture and murder them. Madam LaLaurie is talking to a young gentleman, whom she is perhaps interested in taking the hand of one of her ugly daughters — that is, if he is man enough to be cool with torturing slaves. “I wonder if you’re brave enough to visit my chamber of horrors?” she purrs at him cocquettishly. But it is Halloween, so surely nobody will cotton to the fact that her chamber of horrors is in fact quite quite real! “I fairly swoon when I see the moment of terror register on a handsome face! Makes me feel young again. This way!” It is probably a bad way to get a dude to marry her daughter, as he is all, “Must have taken you all afternoon to peel these grapes.” Oh, yes, it took her all day to peel those “grapes” from the eyesockets of her slaves!

Unfortunately the young gentleman is not strong enough to be her daughter’s man.

And the ugly daughters are superbummed about it. Just ask them! “I’ll never have a husband, not with mother around. She’s horrible.” Really? Is she horrible? Huh.

The ugly daughters are plotting to kill Madam LaLaurie so they can get husbands, but uh oh! Seems a little birdie tells Madam everything that goes on in that bad old mansion of hers! “It’s because of my love for your plain faces that you can still draw breath,” she tells them, as she has their legs broken and puts them in the stocks in her torture chamber. If they’re good little birds, she’ll set them free in a year. What a good mom.

So now we are back at last week, and the zombies are coming for Madam LaLaurie and Fiona (Jessica Lange) and all the young witches, because Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett) raised an army of dead, because #war.

Fiona is at the hospital, helping her daughter Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) after her bathroom acid attack and they are both screaming as if they got a face full of acid or a daughter got a face full of acid, you know, how you would scream if that happened.

Oh no, Cordelia is blind now from her sulfuric acid.

We are back at Miss Robicheaux’s School for Witches Who Want to Learn To Magick Good and Do Other Stuff Good Too, and the boy from next door (the hot son of Patti Lupone’s Christianist Bible-humper) is all STOP BEING SO WORRIED ABOUT THE ZOMBIES IT IS A PRANK so obviously he is about to die, whoops.

OK Nan saves him, yay Nan, now they will be in love forever.

Fiona is in a very fucked up part of the hosptial, with people in underwear staggering around, and she is the most fucked up part, because of course she took a handful of pills because she loves drugs like Gay Hitler Obama. And now she comes on someone with hemorrahging betwen her legs. “Was it stillborn or did it die after?” Stillborn. Fiona goes and picks up the corpse baby. She starts wheedling the zonked out mom, lying on a gurney straight out of Asylum. “Come on hold her, hold her, she’s your daughter,” she mewls. “You have to keep them close so they feel safe. Now talk to her!”

Like Fiona ever paid attention to her daughter in her life, but obviously, and now we are seeing Miss Fiona Regrets.

“Why are we doing this, my baby is dead,” corpse baby’s mom bitches, but she is no match for a crazy lady zonked out on pills, not in her condition.

“No no no no, talk to her, tell her, ‘I love you more than the whole world.’ Tell her how beautiful she is. Tell her how beautiful she is, you’re so beautiful,” Fiona slurs and muddles and mews and we are looking at a Nobel Prize for Jessica Lange right now, she is so good, soooooooo goooooooood. Is this all a nightmare? Is it all a drug bender, as she shovels pills into her mouth? Nope, it is not a drug bender! Well, it is a drug bender, but this is totally happening, because that is just how hospitals look in American Horror Story.

Purple baby is purple, its face swollen and bloated, as Fiona brings Li’l Corpsey to its mama. OH WAIT NO PRESTO CHANGEO BABY IS ALIVE NOW BECAUSE FIONA DONE DID SOME WITCHCRAFT.

Hey, wait just a fucking minute, Show. If she can bring a baby back fron the dead, can’t she bring back Cordelia’s eyesight? COME ON. BAD SHOW. BAD!!!!

Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) bangs some pots to distract the zombies away from Nan and the neighbor, who presumabley has a name, and in a minute they will say his name is Luke, so we will go with “Luke.”

LaLaurie, Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) and Spalding the tongueless butler are upstairs. LaLaurie goes downstairs for ice, because sure, the yard is full of zombies, but the ice is downstairs! She sees her daughter outside, and opens the door. “Come back to me child, I would make amends,” she says. Gee, your neck smells so bloody, Kathy Bates! Zombie daughter comes for Queenie, so Queenie slits her own throat. You can’t kill a zombie that easy though. LaLaurie, to save Queenie, pokers her own daughter through the guts, that is how much she loves Queenie now, because of how she thinks Queenie saved her from the Minotaur on purpose but really it was only because Queenie was horny. (Get it? Get it? Never mind.) “She had a monster for a mother,” LaLaurie explains, and LaLaurie is not lying! “This last act was the the only kindness I ever did for her.”

Time to chainsaw a zombie in half, down the middle, among many other limb separations. Uh oh, time for the chainsaw to break with one more zombie coming. But look, Zoe remembered how to do a spell. Maybe she is very powerful!

Marie Laveau, levitating all over the place and commanding her zombie army from her voodoo trance, snaps out of it. “I don’t know what … but they got some real power in that witch house now.” Uh oh, looks like maybe Fiona killed the wrong Next Supreme!

Oh cool Cordelia’s monster husband is at the hospital. “Thank God you couldn’t knock her up,” Fiona spits at him, and she doesn’t even know about his date-murdering monstercism! “Can you imagine her with an infant now, blind … and you’ve run off.”

Oh but whoops, now that Cordelia is blind, she has second sight and saw her husband murdering that girl. Maybe Cordelia will be more interesting now that she’s got no eyeballs?

Fiona and the girls are bonfiring some zombies, as you do. Luke (his name is Luke) is upstairs in Nan’s bed, recovering. Probably RECOVERING FROM DOING AWESOME SEX WITH NAN!

The Council is like “sup Fiona, why you so suck at being Supreme?” She is like nuh uh there is no other Supreme (because I killed her) and she is all like YOU WILL PAY FRANCES CONROY, BE READY FOR SOME PAIN. (Because Frances Conroy has been on her since the first time she did that murder.)

And Frances Conroy is like “nope dogg you can’t intimidate.” And Fiona is all like HAVE SOME THUNDER, BECAUSE THUNDER.

Fiona accuses Frances of blinding Cordelia. Frances was her surrogate mother since Fiona was gone all the time, whoring it up and doing all the blow. OK there is some PLOT here as Fiona accuses Frances of killing Madison, but the fucking Council is believing this? Did she put a spell on them? I can’t follow it really because I finally got my prescription represcribed and some pot. It was a really nice day, we went to Venice with this nice Aussie couple who’re renting out my AirBnB. Also, I am high.

frances conroy

The council is all like “We have no choice. Burn the witch.” Fiona: “the decision of this council … is final.” Wait what? Okay, cool funk, it’s all sideways, and Frances Conroy is in white, and the council and the girls and Fiona are all in black, and it goes in real time for the whole Dr. John song, the one that is all “I been in the right place but it must have been the wrong time,” and I said “is that Dr. John?” and then I looked it up and I was right bitchez.

The skin on the hair on the eye sockets on the beige dunes on the white sky, this is the most beautifully shot scene in the history of television. Someone pours gasoline down Frances Conroy, ropes her to the stake, whoever it is looking like a Mormoon in that suit, it goes on for the whole song. Any last words? “I’d rather burn than boil.”

Oh here is Queenie to do a little exposition, like “I feel bad that I helped you frame that lady by plunging my arm into boiling oil to make it look like that lady burned Cordelia with the sulfuric acid?” and Fiona is all like, “oh by the way, have I mentioned you are the next Supreme?” And she totally plays on Queenie’s feelings by pointing out it’s high time they had a supreme of color, like, what does that even have to do with anything besides the fact that Fiona is ALWAYS RACIST.

Spalding is spraying some stuff around his tea party room to cover the smell of Madison. He is in his bonnet and nightdress. Haha whoops her arm fell off.

And here is Misty Day, walking through the desert and she looks soooooo beautiful

'American Horror Story: Coven' Recap -- Moms And Daughters, So Complicated! unworldly, and she comes to Frances and BOOM THERE ARE SOME OPEN BLUE FRANCES CONROY EYES IN A FACEFUL OF BURN CORPSE, probably so she can finally have a zombie mom of her very own.

Man, you just can’t keep these witches dead.

TV Show: American Horror Story

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  • Blanche Beecham

    I just want to say that AHS Coven has re-lit my Stevie Nicks fan-heart from the 70’s and 80’s. I am rocking that Gunney Sack, spinning in the frozen foods at the grocery store like a post-menopausal sprite. I probably should look at my state’s statutes on involuntary mental assessments before I get the hair done.

    • Annie Towne

      Or you could just stop it. Right now.

      • Blanche Beecham

        Annie Towne you have no class. Also, you are too serious.

        • Annie Towne

          I am not serious, Blanche, I am very dry.

          • Blanche Beecham

            We should get drinks sometime.