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Blood Splattered Cinema
Hosted by: Horror Guru
The Horror Guru reviews the bloodiest, wildest, and weirdest horror that cinema has to offer!
Cartoon Palooza
Hosted by: Joey Tedesco
A satirical review show where a guy from Jersey watches and criticizes cartoons, including everything from comic books to animated movies. Whatever it is, Joey will either tell you to run out and see it... or fughetabouit!
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Hosted by: Count Jackula
There are vampires, and there are men from outer space, but there is only one vampire from outer space! Join Count Jackula from the Planet Drakula as he explains the ins and outs of horror, from the mythic to the modern. Blood, off-color humor, and an obsession with Elvira are in store for you!
The Examined Life (of Gaming)
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Just when video games were getting good, the late '90s and early '00s came along. The Examined Life (of Gaming) dares to delve into the good, the bad, and the value-priced games of this dark period, and sometimes we find something worth playing!
The Film Renegado
Hosted by: Film Renegado
Coming to you from south of the border, it's the Film Renegado! A civil engineer with a cinephile complex, the Film Renegado uses movies made in Mexico or by Mexican directors to share bits from his country's culture, past and present. You will both learn and be entertained! How cool is that?
Friday Night Fright Flicks
Hosted by: Count Jackula & Horror Guru
Welcome, fright knights, to Friday Night Fright Flicks! Join your hosts Count Jackula and the Horror Guru as they stumble their way through current horror releases, letting you know which ones are worth the price of admission.
Good Bad Flicks
Hosted by: Cecil Trachenburg
Good Bad Flicks is a show not only dedicated to rare movies, but also forgotten classics and misunderstood box office bombs. Your host Cecil takes you through each movie, discussing the promotional materials, and taking a look at what went on behind the scenes. With a healthy dose of Irish sarcasm, he throws a few jabs at even his most cherished favorites.
The Graphic Novel Picture Show
Hosted by: Sybil Pandemic
Your host Solkir presents The Graphic Novel Picture Show, a retrospective of the history of comic book movies!
The Movie Skewer
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From the makers of the Agony Booth™ comes The Movie Skewer, where terrible movies are roasted over an open flame for your enjoyment. Watch the very first online review/recap series that’s too much for one host to handle!
Mr. Mendo's Hack Attack
Hosted by: Michael A. Novelli
Need a healthy dose of cynicism from a guy whose face you can barely see? Then Mr. Mendo’s your man! Whether a movie suffers from Hype Backlash, Intellectual Dishonesty, or is just Complete Shit, Mr. Mendo is there. Mr. Mendo wasn‘t raised in this country, so he takes nothing for granted: if something ain‘t right, he’ll nose it out. So join him as he takes on Oscar winners and legendary flops alike in front of a blanket suspended between his couch and recliner!
Stuff You Like
Hosted by: Sursum Ursa
Stuff You Like is an original show where redhead Sursum Ursa waxes enthusiastic about movies, TV shows, and anything else that comes to mind! Expect singing, snarky subtitles, random pictures she finds on the internet, and lots of fangirling!
Terror Obscura
Hosted by: Fear Fan
Terror Obscura is a show dedicated to exploring the best and worst horror films ever made. While some shows are content to just mock bad films, this one isn't afraid to take even the most sacred of cows to the slaughterhouse. If you like horror, humor, or if you're just looking to find some titles you might want to rent, Terror Obscura is the show for you!
Tom's Retrophilia
Hosted by: Thomas Stockel
Is he a connoisseur of vintage media, or just a bitter old man trapped in the past?  Either way, tune in and watch Tom take a look at the movies and television shows from a time when he was actually in the target audience!
The Unusual Suspect
Hosted by: Unusual Suspect
The Unusual Suspect reviews popular movies, and tears 'em apart! They may be good, but no movie is perfect, and there's always things you may have overlooked and hadn't thought about. So join the Suspect as he exploits and ridicules the films you know and love. Just don't kill him for it!
What We Had to Watch
Hosted by: Il Neige
Il Neige is a smart-ass with a love-hate relationship with movies from the new millennium. Sure, reviews can be fun or cathartic, but there's also the risk of the occasional Twi-hard invasion or fireball to the face! ...That's how these things usually go, right? So join Il Neige as he braves the cinematic dangers that lie just beyond the fourth wall to critique the best and worst of 21st century filmmaking!
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the agony booth
Movie Recap
The Hottie & the Nottie (2008)
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The Hottie & the Nottie (2008)

Welcome to the fourth installment of Guaranteed Razzie Contenders: 2009 Edition! In this special series of mini-recaps, the Agony Booth staff takes a long, unflinching look at the awful movies that are sure to be nominated for Razzie Awards in 2009!

Check out the other recaps in this series: The Love Guru by Ed Harris, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale by Ryan Lohner, 10,000 B.C. by Jessica Ritchey!


The Hottie & the Nottie

So, I'm guessing the "gross-out romantic comedy"—that lively movie subgenre full of clichéd romance for the ladies, lots of puking and farting and shitting jokes for the guys—is never going away, is it? Because when relatively cheap movies like There's Something About Mary or The 40 Year Old Virgin or Wedding Crashers can make a gazillion damn dollars at the box office, you can't really blame everybody and their cousin for wanting to repeat the formula. Which is why for every Knocked Up, we get half a dozen alleged comedies (and past Razzie contenders) like Dirty Love and Good Luck Chuck.

The Hottie & the Nottie—the title alone is enough to make a person shudder—is the latest gross-out romantic comedy to find itself within the Razzie crosshairs. But to be fair, it's pretty far from one of the worst comedies I've seen. The movie's biggest sin is that it's just soul-crushingly lazy. Jokes are telegraphed from miles away. So are the plot points. And somewhere around the one-hour mark, it completely forgets to be a comedy, and transforms into a lifeless, lightweight chick flick for the remainder of its run.

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Occasionally while watching a bad film, it's possible to pinpoint the precise moment when the screenwriter ran out of ideas. The Hottie & the Nottie makes this game ridiculously easy. Not that this writer's "ideas" were all that amusing in the first place, unless you consider "women with excess body hair" the height of wit.

About the only thing I can say in the movie's favor is that after watching the trailer, I was expecting an aggressively vile film, something in the spirit of previous Razzie winners like White Chicks and Norbit. This movie is not that. In fact, pretty much all the gross-out moments are right there in the trailer. Because this is a movie that can't even muster up enough energy to be offensively raunchy.

You might be wondering, then, why such a stunningly mediocre film is about to be nominated for multiple Razzies. If so, you probably have no idea who's in it. Did you miss the big movie poster image directly above, and to the left?

Ah, yes: Paris Hilton. Not only does everyone's favorite heiress/celebutante star in The Hottie & the Nottie, and not only is she credited as an executive producer [!], but the poster even makes use of her trademark phrase ("that's hot"). And by "trademark phrase", I mean Paris Hilton actually trademarked the phrase "that's hot"™, and sued Hallmark Cards for using it. Even so, it's a pretty basic rule that if the movie uses a catchphrase that was all played out by 2004, it's bound to suck, and The Hottie & the Nottie is no exception. (Neither was Epic Movie, a film that couldn't even afford a cameo by the real Paris Hilton.)

But the real reason this film was savaged by critics is because Paris Hilton is the poster child for our current tabloid-blogosphere-TMZ-fueled obsession with the inane details of celebrities' social lives. At the same time, it's become hip among the more, shall we say, sanctimonious bloggers and critics to make knee-jerk declarations that the world is slowly getting dumber, to fondly reminisce about some golden intellectual age that never existed, and to piece together half-hearted comparisons between contemporary American culture and the fall of the Roman Empire. To those people, Paris Hilton represents the End of Western Civilization As We Know It.

Eh. To me, she's just a vapid socialite who got famous for being famous. Nobody really thinks this a new thing, do they? I mean, honestly, what the heck did Edie Sedgwick ever do, really? Why does everyone know the name Charo? Why the hell was Anna Nicole Smith famous, again? And what, exactly, has Carmen Electra ever done with her life?

Caption contributed by Albert
If she gets an acting career, the terrorists will have won.

People act like it's a new, shocking, outrageous thing that someone with no perceptible talent became a household name. But if anything, Paris Hilton just breathed new life into an ages-old phenomenon. The only thing that's arguably different these days is that fame has become more pervasive, as people demand more and more information about celebrities at their fingertips. People complain that Paris and her ilk are always in our faces, and yet, her name is consistently one of the most popular internet search terms. Come now, Paris didn't make you type her name into Yahoo, did she?

Of course, Paris isn't really a celebrity for no reason. We all know the real reason she's famous, don't we? You might say the FOX reality show The Simple Life, but it was really her sex tape, quote-unquote "leaked" just weeks before the show's debut, that truly made her a star (subsequently inspiring her childhood friend Kim Kardashian to do the same thing).

But I have to give Paris some credit. I can't exactly say she's legitimized her fame, but she's at least attempted to become famous for something. Since the sex tape, she's become a model, a TV star, a fast-food pitchwoman, and she even put out an album that spawned a Top 20 single, "Stars are Blind" (none too surprising, considering UB40 took the song to #1 in the UK back when it was called "Kingston Town"). And, of course, inevitably, Paris decided she wanted to become a movie actress.

The Hottie & the Nottie is not her acting debut. It's not even her first lead role in a film. That would be National Lampoon's Pledge This!, filmed in 2004, but not released until two years later. And that movie is every bit the horror show you would imagine. It's exactly as repulsive as I thought Hottie & the Nottie would be. Paris truly deserved a Razzie nomination for that role, with the only problem being that the movie went straight to DVD. Without a theatrical release, it was ineligible for the Razzies, where it most certainly would have cleaned up.

Now that Paris has had the lead role in a movie that played in U.S. theaters for seven whole days, it's Open Razzie Season on her. But dare I say that Paris seems to have actually... improved as an actress since Pledge This? And that she actually manages not to completely embarrass herself here?

I'm sure a big factor is that she's not even in the movie all that much. Along with the transition from gross-out comedy to light melodrama, the movie forgets Paris's character even exists. All told, the "Nottie" gets way more screen time than the "Hottie".

Yes, Paris Hilton is the titular "Hottie". Sorry to ruin the surprise. And I won't deny she's hot in some respects, in that she's a skinny little skanky blonde who'd probably be a lot of fun to bang. But with her long, lantern-shaped head, ski slope nose, and droopy eyes, I don't think she's anyone's idea of a timeless beauty.

But hey, lots of films try their damndest to convince us the lead actress is the hottest thing on the planet. Who can forget guys fawning over a chubby Mariah Carey in Glitter (7 Razzie noms; 1 win)? Or Sean Penn mooning over a blank-faced Madonna in Shanghai Surprise (5 Razzie noms; 1 win)? Or Kate Hudson in, well, any film starring Kate Hudson? (Never nominated, but fingers are crossed this year for Fool's Gold and My Best Friend's Girl.) Are all these woman attractive? Of course. Would their mere presence reduce men to babbling idiots with no motor control, as this movie suggests would happen around our dear friend Paris? Doubtful.

But like every yin needs its yang, so too does every hottie need a nottie. In this case, the "Nottie" is Christine Lakin, formerly the hot, tomboy-ish daughter on the '90s sitcom Step by Step. Here, she's under a ton of makeup and prosthetics to make her repulsive, because there's really no other way to make her look less hot than Paris Hilton.

But guess what: it turns out the "Nottie's" actual hotness under all the latex becomes a plot point late in the movie! Surprising, yes?

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