[NOTE: This is a recap of the original, theatrical cut of Fantastic Four. There's a two-disc extended version out now on DVD, with an additional 20 minutes (20 minutes!) of footage. I won't be buying it, but you're more than welcome to get the extended edition from Amazon and post all about the added footage in the comments thread!]

This weekend is the big premiere of Rise of the Silver Surfer, the sequel to 2005's Fantastic Four. And I just now realized that I never gave my take on the original film. It's something I meant to do sooner, considering this site's big Mega Recap (formerly known as a Mega Review) of the unreleased 1993 version of The Fantastic Four, which was posted just in time to cash in on coincide with the release of 20th Century Fox's big budget version.

Since there's not enough time to do a proper recap of the 2005 version, and because the movie doesn't really warrant that kind of deep analysis anyway, I'm going to attempt something a little different this time. Later in this recap, I'm going to present the entire film to you entirely through screencaps and captions. Yes, this is a Screencap Recap, and while I wish I could take credit for inventing this kind of recap, it's been all over the ol' blog-o-sphere for some time now. But hopefully, the people who saw the movie can use this as a refresher, and those who didn't will get a good idea of what it's like to endure this film.

Okay, I guess "endure" is kind of a strong word. The movie is actually a stunning display of mediocrity. Despite that fact, and despite all the mixed reviews, Fantastic Four raked in the cash: $56 million in its opening weekend, and an eventual US box office haul of $154 million. Add in the worldwide receipts, and a sequel was pretty much a foregone conclusion. Which is a good thing, too, because the whole movie feels like nothing but a setup for a sequel.

I can almost excuse this. Almost. After all, it's pretty tough to tell the origin story of one superhero in less than two hours, let alone four of them. If Rise of the Silver Surfer turns out to be good, maybe this film will look justified in retrospect (but with a nonsensical title like Rise of the Silver Surfer, does anyone really expect it to be any good?).

The first movie's big flaw, as noted by many critics, is that this is the most blasé superhero team ever. At no time to do they display any signs of wonder, fear, or awe at their new powers. The whole thing feels like a big, jokey superhero sitcom, with the team using their powers to get out of—and into—a variety of comical slapstick mishaps. It's like Superhero Movie Lite: nothing is at stake, there's no massive destruction going on, and the primary villain has no designs on world domination—all he wants to do is take out the Fantastic Four purely out of petty jealousy.

Even worse, the Four spend almost the entire film mostly cleaning up after their own mistakes. No joke. Every time they spring into action, it's a direct result of one of them doing something dumb. Didn't this seem like a bad, bad idea to anyone? We watch superhero movies to see the heroes being heroic, not bungling things so badly that they cause massive injuries and property damage, if not outright deaths. They should be saving the day, not covering their own asses.

No one turns in a noteworthy performance. Ioan Gruffudd is a non-entity as Reed Richards. Chris Evans is just plain annoying as the Human Torch. Julian McMahon doesn't have anything approaching the screen presence needed to play Doctor Doom. Michael Chiklis plays the Thing, and after six seasons of playing police officer Vic Mackey, the most complicated character on TV, I have nothing but love for Chiklis. And when he puts on the Thing makeup, and they alter his voice in post, he's great. But when he's out of the makeup, all I see is Vic Mackey in Space. Ben Grimm in the comics has a more colloquial way of talking, and Chiklis doesn't even attempt that speech pattern. Which I found odd, especially when in the special features he admits to being a huge fan of the Thing when he was a kid.

And I already remarked on the casting of Jessica Alba in the Mega Recap, and the point still stands: her presence is a quintessential example of Movie by Committee. There are probably a thousand actresses who could have played the part better, are more talented, and who more closely resemble the Sue Storm of the comics. But because Alba is hot, and especially hot amongst the comic book geek fanbase, she got the role.

The whole movie feels like that: You can almost sense the writers sweating like crazy, trying to figure out how much of the comic book they could safely toss out without pissing off the hardcore fans. It's my understanding that this movie is based more on the Ultimate Fantastic Four version of the group, and from my limited knowledge of that comic, the movie mostly stays true to its source.

(The immediate question becomes, why not base the movie on the original version that premiered in 1961? You know, the one most people are familiar with? But comic adaptations have a long and storied history of adapting only what's currently going on in the comics. Back in the 1970s, Wonder Woman was going through all sorts of revamps, including a long stretch where she had no powers at all. The 1974 TV movie version of Wonder Woman, starring Cathy Lee Crosby, also made her powerless, confusing the crap out of everyone and making the studio start all over again with the Lynda Carter version.)

Faithful it may be, but "faithful" does not automatically equal "good". Let me put it to you this way: The Hulk Dogs seen in Ang Lee's film actually came from the comics. Need another example? Here you go: 2005's Fantastic Four.