Tomorrow is Super Tuesday, where voters in 22 states (and American Samoa) go to the polls in their states' Democratic and Republican presidential primaries. The Agony Booth strongly recommends you cast your vote for Lee L. Mercer, Jr. for President of the United States. It doesn't matter if you're Democrat or Republican. Just vote for the guy.
He won't be on the ballot anywhere, so you'll have to write his name in. But I assure you, he's a real person, he really has announced his candidacy, and he even has an official website to back it up, which we'll examine in more detail later.
I wish I could say I endorse Mr. Mercer for his stand on the issues. Because, uh, I'm not really sure where he stands on the issues. In fact, judging by his campaign website, he's not clear on the precise definition of the word "issue" in the first place.
I wish I could say I endorse Mr. Mercer due to his years of experience. But he seems to have no prior political experience, and his only previous government experience was serving in the Navy as a dental technician.
No, I'm backing Mr. Mercer for one simple reason: He personifies everything the Agony Booth stands for.
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As evidenced by our extended recaps of Gigli, Leonard Part 6, and a movie about a deaf vampire, the people who contribute to this site have a strong fondness for spectacular failures, and displays of complete insanity. And if Mr. Mercer is elected President, I can guarantee it will be the most spectacular and insane failure in the history of this great nation.
Hell, I don't even think the guy could get through making one single speech in public. I wouldn't trust him with running the cash register at a Waffle House, let alone the entire country.
If you think I'm being harsh, then I invite you to take a look at the madness that is the official campaign website for Lee L. Mercer, Jr. for President 2008.
I know what you're thinking: yes, it would be great to have a president who looks like Michael Clarke Duncan. But that's not what makes this website so amazing. Read some of the text. It's insane. I mean it's actually insane.
According to the graphic on his site, he's a "Candidate for the 2008 Democrat Presidential Primary" [sic] ("sic" is going to get a workout in this article, just so you know). Not any particular primary, mind you, just the "2008 Democrat Presidential Primary". But that's really just the tip of the crazy.
Here are some choice quotes regarding Mr. Mercer's background, and his stance on key issues. And I swear to you, all of these quotes are lifted word-for-word from his website.
Here, for example, is his campaign theme:
The United States Government must regulate government sleepers and government regulations
Finally! A candidate who believes the government should regulate government regulations!
And here's his platform:
My platform for President of the United States Of America is Criminal Law. It is developed from my Method of Education.
Sounds like my kind of candidate. Let's learn a bit more about Lee from his biography:
I went to school from the first grade to the nineth [sic] grade at ARP Industrial High School, a negro public school and later, to the intergraded [sic] High School System at ARP High School, Arp,Texas.
I believe the Texas public school system has completely disowned him after his uses of "nineth" and "intergraded". (I don't even want to ask why he attended first grade at a high school.)
On August 22, 1992, The State of Texas installed an intelligence hotwire in me
You know, on the surface, that doesn't sound like a good thing. But going by the rest of his website, Mr. Mercer doesn't seem too bothered by having this hotwire installed.
I am in a stalled police debriefing with the Houston Police Department waiting for me to sue to complete my debriefing for my background biography with them in the United States Army Military Intelligence Academy Camp Bullis San Antonio, Texas The University of Texas ROTC to West Point Military Academy U.S. Navy doctorate degree in Police Science.
As a part of my continuing eduaction [sic], I am making my presidential campaign part of my ROTC Intelligence Academics
Oh, good, so it's a school project!
I am on an academic intelligence hotwire that can not be unhooked by anyone.
Come on, why wouldn't you want a president hooked up to an academic intelligence hotwire? It sounds like it would make him smart and stuff during press conferences.
Janet Reno former U.S. Attorney General, former Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army and Secretary Of State of The United States General Colin Powell, Sr. and former Secretary of The United States Army Togo West. They will be joining me circumstantially later.
Hey, that's true, right? I mean, you didn't see them not join him later.
I won scholar of the world in World Management at Rice University from the President Of Rice University development in engineering with him and the German Government.
He became Scholar of the World? He studied World Management? Did he perhaps go to the Evil Overlord Academy?
I won road scholar from the United States Navy/United States Marine Corp. at West Point.
To quote freely from Cheers, if elected, he can tell us why the stuff they use to fill the potholes is darker than the rest of the road.
The United States Military Police and Federal Police are doing a biography and autobiography of me
Both a biography and an autobiography? Wow, they're going to have their hands full on those!
Once, I am elected to the office of President of the United States of America the thing I am going to do for the people is regulate the office of the President of the United States of America right and not wrong.
At last, a candidate who wants to do stuff that's right, and not wrong! Where do I sign up?
Elsewhere on the site are Mr. Mercer's reasons for his candidacy, presented as a handy numbered list. These reasons seem to be presented in order of how likely it is that your head will explode upon reading them.
1. The United States Federal Congress has encouraged me to want to become President of the United States so that I can do what the President of the United States of America is supposed to do
Actually, he sounds more motivated than Fred Thompson there. Is it just me, or does he make Congress sound like a supportive uncle?
3. To prove that you need to pay the American Citizens before I die.
You're damn right you do.
The United States Congress awarded the excess money to the American Citizens for income of $350,000.00 a year to each citizen for almost 100 years through EyeSpy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) Business and Commerce Intelligence.
Wait, 350 grand a year for 100 years? Please, tell me how I can become a member of the EyeSpy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) Business and Commerce Intelligence.
I understand that if you sign up, you don't get a membership card. You get two membership cards, because the name of the organization won't fit on one.
8. To Vindicate the United States of America in the Iran War
Well, I can't really argue with... wait... The Iran War? Holy shit, does this guy know something we don't?
10. To prove the United States of America has two Governments and they are Government #1 and Government #2 and I own Government # 1
So... who owns Government #2? And if you already own the government, why would you need to run for president?
11. To prove the United States of America has two Presidents and I am one of them
Ah, so he's already president. This campaign makes sense now. And if you're wondering who the other president is, he never says. I assume he's referring to Dick Cheney.
14. To prove I have developed a crime prevention program and a city warfare program in Business and Commerce Intelligence to solve the Crime War, Drug War, The Fifty Years War, the Iran War and any other war that might come about in the world in the future National and International.
The Fifty Years War? All I can figure is that he's confusing the Thirty Years' War with The 50 Years War, a Ken Burns documentary about the Arab-Israeli conflict. So, if he has a plan to end the Thirty Years' War, that sure would come in handy right now, seeing as how it ended in 1648. I don't know about you, but I'm still living in daily fear of a sneak attack by the Crimeans.
22. To prove every person in the United States of America knows me and everybody in the International World knows me too
After putting up this website, that may in fact happen.
23. To Prove I have solved every crime in the world as it happens from zero to start to finish for every crime done
Oh... my... god.
25. To Prove I will be the 2nd Negro President of the United States of America
The first being Rutherford B. Hayes, who, as we all know, only passed for white.
29. To Prove I have a lot of Political Official Experience in the United States Government and International Government.
And what better way to prove you have "political official experience" than by being President of the United States? That'll shut up all the doubters!
30. To Prove my Presidential Campaign Committee joined my me [sic] in my Presidential Campaign and Eye Spy Community- Military Intelligence Business and Commerce Intelligence, my board and staff and me saved the lives of every person alive at this future time.
Much like Mr. T, this guy eats verb tenses for breakfast. Past, present, future? It's all one and the same to him.
31. To Prove there are and were no other candidate for President of the United States of America in 2008 is qualified because every citizen in America is under a Criminal Investigations
Shit, I've been found out!
32. To Prove President George Walker Bush, Jr. and other Public Officials have been Impeached by the United States Congress in 2004 for torture of me and my family
Oh. Kay. I must have missed those impeachment hearings. I know I wasn't living in a cave in 2004, so I wonder how I missed that. Well, having to watch Bush dance to that African tribal music might be considered torture, so count me in on that.
33. To Prove I can not bring you the United States of America Government # 2 because it is Overthrown
Dammit! And just when we were about to find out who owned it!
34. To Prove the government owes me Zillions of Dollars in money
Oh yeah. That's zillions with a "Z", baby. Now pay up.
Three of the most dangerous Weapons of the Crime War today are 1. Praying For Persons to die with electronics, 2. Killing the person's heart with an electric snake hot-wire hookup and 3. Poisoning Persons with Cancer.
I, for one, am tired of these motherfuckin' electric snakes on my motherfuckin' hot-wire hookup!
43. To Prove I have no money to bring criminals to court
Hey, trials are expensive. I won't hold that against him. Especially since he's already solved every crime in history, from start to finish, so who needs courts, anyway?
45. To Prove the definition Kill in the Random House Dictionary of the English Language
Okay, that's kind of scary. I'm not sure I want to know how he plans to "prove" that.
46. To Prove Governor William Perry is killing me and my family very seriously
Hey, at least he's serious about it. (I assume he means William Perry "Bill" Clements, Jr., and if a 90 year old former governor of Texas was killing me and my family, I'd be pissed about it too.)
49. To Prove the United States Government killed my sex life, my wife sex life, my daughter-in -laws sex life both may sons [sic] and other of my family members sex life with Espionage Experimentation and Espionage Exploitation sex killing.
I... um... Okay, I could understand him blaming the government for the end of his own sex life. ("I don't know why I can't keep it up, honey! It must be the government and the academic hotwire they installed in me!") But how would he know about the sex lives of his sons and daughter-in-law? And was this before or after Bill Clements began very seriously killing them? Because being seriously killed by a former governor does have a way of ruining the mood.
51. To Prove to you citizens you do not know what and how I am suppose to do for you and what and how I am suppose to do for the United States of America's Government National and International.
As long as everybody's clear about it.
55. To Prove I got over 2000 Tapes to play to prove this program/project is authentic.
Oh, shit, he's like the Tupac of presidential politics!
64. To Prove My only Guardian Former Governor of Texas Ann Richards has just joined me MERCER FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN
Endorsements from beyond the grave!
67. To Prove these perpetrators are trying to stop me from running for President of The United States. They are Vice-President Dick Chenny, Former Vice-President Al Gore and their Assessors. They keep killing my mother and our family
Hey, would you want Al Gore and Dick "Chenny" repeatedly killing your mother? I think not.
66. To Prove America is America.
And my all-time favorite Lee L. Mercer Reason for Campaigning...
56. To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease.
I know what you're thinking: that seriously needs to be put on a bumper sticker. In fact, I agree, but more on that at the end of this article.
There's been much discussion online about this guy's website, with many thinking it's either an elaborate hoax, or some sort of creative Nigerian scam. After all, the page to donate money to Mercer's campaign is presumably functional.
But honestly, I can't even imagine a hoaxer having the imagination to create something this demented on purpose. At one point, he says he's "solved every crime in America and the world for the last 15 years dating back to before Christ". 15 years? Before Christ? Is he related to Sherri Shepherd?
The website has entire pages devoted to "Current Issues". I won't go through these blow-by-blow, because frankly, it's the same boilerplate text for each issue, with just a few words swapped out here and there. Instead, I'll just give you this representative quote:
THE DISCIPLINE OF REGULATING THE U.S. GOVERNMENT:
There is some concern about the U.S. Government regulating the U.S. Government. I will enforce regulating issues pertaining to the U.S. Government regulations and according to the U.S. Government enforcements.
That about says it all. No, seriously. That says everything in two sentences that the entire website says in all of its thousands of words.
Now, I figured it's really not a campaign without some promotion. I hope Mr. Mercer will be happy to learn that, thanks to Zazzle, I created some custom bumper stickers to support his cause. Yes, these are real bumper stickers that you can actually buy using the links below. Together, we can get the word out: Lee L. Mercer Jr. will be the second Negro president of Government #1 in 2008!
If you do buy these stickers and put them up in public places, please take pictures and email them to me! I'll post any and all submissions I receive!
Click here to buy this bumper sticker!
Are you going to let the Washington fat cats get away with letting their diseased selves into your house any time they please, helping themselves to your DVD collection, your high-speed internet, and whatever's in your fridge? It's time to take a stand! I am not Lee L. Mercer, Jr., but I approved this message anyway!
Click here to buy this bumper sticker!
Are you tired of politicians with an academic hotwire that can be easily unhooked? Look at John McCain: I bet the slightest tap could unhook that guy! Vote for the candidate with a hotwire that can't be unhooked by anyone, anywhere, at any time! Lee L. Mercer, Jr. would probably approve this message!
Click here to buy this sticker!
By becoming a Mercer supporter, you also become an official member of the Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three)! Show your pride in getting $350,000 a year for 100 years! And you can rightfully say, "I am the reason Government #1 has no money to bring criminals to court!"