Stick around until the end of the recap for a special video of highlights from Lone Wolf McQuade!

Well, here we are. The first film Chuck Norris starred in that can actually be considered good. Chuck had several films under his belt by this point, mostly cheap B grade martial arts epics. Of the ones that I’ve seen, Forced Vengeance is a pretty good little B movie. The Octagon and Silent Rage are decent enough films, but they also share the same flaw: A great concept done in by poor execution.

Silent Rage is basically Chuck Norris vs. Michael Myers, as Chuck plays a small town sheriff going up against a back-from-the-dead killer. It has some moments, but gets bogged down by a boring love affair between Chuck and the female lead, and the usual problems that come with trying to splice two genres together. It doesn’t really deliver enough martial arts action for Norris fans, and it doesn’t deliver enough slasher action for horror fans.

The Octagon is slightly better, but in a way is even more disappointing. No film that has Chuck Norris and Lee Van Cleef versus a group of ninjas should be as dull as this film is. It picks up at the end, but you’ll need great patience to sit through the whole 104 minute film. Ditto for Good Guys Wear Black, which is remarkably tedious.

But no patience is required at all with Lone Wolf McQuade, which marks the second pairing of Chuck with director Steve Carver. Their first film together was An Eye for an Eye, a fairly decent flick with the usual pacing issues found in most of Chuck’s work. Here, though, Chuck is Texas Ranger J.J. McQuade, a man who works alone and is truly the best of the best. He’s pitted against David Carradine, who’s playing the role of Rawley Wilkes, a nasty gun runner/martial arts expert who’s never lost a fight in his entire life.

What makes this film great is just how batshit insane it’s willing to get in the name of entertaining the audience. The story itself is pretty much your standard western done up in a modern setting, but there are some seriously oddball touches that make it a truly fun viewing experience. This is easily Chuck’s best film, besides Invasion U.S.A. I give it 9 out of 10 super charged pickup trucks. Let’s check it out.

Highlights:

1. We begin with the Orion Pictures logo, and now is as good a time as any to mention that if the rights to this movie weren’t tied up with Orion, Chuck Norris would have starred in McQuade: Texas Ranger for eight years.

2. The opening credits are done in a neatly stylized format, like a spaghetti western. So right from the get go, you pretty much know what kind of movie you’re going to be watching.

3. One other note before we get to the actual movie. Don’t ever watch this thing on a really hot day. The way this thing is shot, you can just feel the sweat pouring off of everybody in the cast, and it really gives you a good idea of how hot it gets in Texas. I don’t even want to imagine the BO that must have been coming off Chuck Norris by the end of each shooting day.

“The eyes of the Ranger are upon you. Any wrong you do he’s gonna see...”

4. Our film proper begins in a barren part of Texas, focusing on the unshaven mug of J.J. McQuade. This film is the first time Norris sported his “full beard” look, and just to give him that extra bit of ruggedness, it looks like he hasn’t showered for a few days. He observes a large number of horses being run through a valley by some men. I rather like the way this is shot. For the first minute or so, you’re not sure if you’re watching a film set in the modern day or the old west. Neat.

5. His attention is diverted by a helicopter flying overhead, carrying some Texas State Police officers, including his future partner Kayo, played by Star Trek: Voyager’s Robert Beltran. McQuade shakes his head as several armed officers run down a dirt hill towards the guys running horses. I guess they’re horse thieves, which makes me wonder: Was this really still a problem in Texas circa 1983? Jesus, they really are stuck in the past if horse thievery was still a big problem.

Behold Mega Jeep!

6. After lots of footage of horses being corralled, and officers converging on the bandits, McQuade stands and goes to his decidedly used jeep to suit up for action. More converging ensues, accompanied by a bombastic soundtrack as our hero loads a bullet into a rifle, taking aim.

7. The police finally make their presence known, and a shootout ensues. Unfortunately, it’s over as quickly as it began, and most of the officers are captured by the bandits.

8. Note to self: If ever in Texas, screw with the state police. They seem to be easy to beat up.

9. The head bandit begins to menace the officers with a machete. Suddenly, McQuade starts shooting at the trucks in the area. Another bandit opens fire with a machine gun, but it barely fazes McQuade. He responds by shooting the guy, and then the head bandit in turn shoots one of the captive officers. So at this point, it’s like a game of chess, only much more interesting.

10. Kayo is held at gunpoint next, and this is enough to get McQuade to come down to the bad guys personally. I get a real kick out of how over the top the head bandit is. Seriously, it’s like the guy prepped for his role by watching every single spaghetti western ever made.

11. McQuade approaches, dropping his gun belt as the head bandit approaches with two guns drawn. Two other bandits grab McQuade, while the head bandit mentions how a Texas Ranger once kicked his father’s teeth out. He asks McQuade if he would do the same, which naturally results in our hero doing just that. McQuade kicks some guys and grabs a small Uzi, taking out the bandits. He apprehends the head bandit and Kayo stands up, adding a few kicks to the head bandit before being led away by McQuade. Kayo gushes over McQuade before going to free the remaining officers.

12. Second note to self: Try to avoid helping out the Texas State Police, they tend to gush over each other to an embarrassing degree.

13. Cut to later. McQuade arrives late at a retirement ceremony for his friend Dakota Brown (L.Q. Jones), a Texas Ranger. Hmm, let’s see now. Friend of the hero, older mentor type, retiring. Yeah, I don’t see this guy being alive too much longer.

14. McQuade’s boss (played by R.G. Armstrong) notices the late arrival, while presenting Dakota with a gold watch and plaque. McQuade soon falls asleep during the ceremony. Afterwards, he gives Dakota a beer, right before Armstrong angrily calls him into his office.

15. The basic gist of the ass chewing is that McQuade’s lone wolf attitude is outdated, and gives the department bad publicity. So it’s the usual routine one gets from a scene like this, and sure enough, Kayo is assigned to be McQuade’s partner. Naturally, McQuade is reluctant. Can’t say I blame him, since the dude does seem a little too enthusiastic for his own good.

16. Cut to an airfield where we meet our main bad guy, Rawley Wilkes, played by David Carradine. He’s a gun runner, and he’s in the middle of a transaction with a group of Cubans. For some reason, the main Cuban decides to pull a gun on him (I guess he’s trying to move things along a little faster) but Wilkes dispatches the man with a kick, while some of his men shoot the Cubans down. Wilkes orders them buried, and right off the bat, we get an idea of how good an opponent we have for McQuade.

It’s a pretty cool matchup between two guys who are well known for their martial arts roles, even if Norris said at one point that Carradine was as good a martial artist as he was an actor. I think you can take the joke from there.

Captain said to watch for some guy with chainsaw, knucklehead.

17. Kayo drives out to McQuade’s house, or to be more precise, his run down shack that looks like the perfect home for a family of inbred cannibals. Seriously, I look at this place and wonder when Leatherface is going to show up with his chainsaw. A wolf approaches, but apparently they weren’t able to get it to snarl, because he just stands there looking quite happy while a snarl is dubbed in.

Chuck Norris has a less than traditional way of removing stray nose hairs.

18. Kayo enters the house, only to run into McQuade holding a very large gun. He doesn’t want Kayo for a partner, and emphasizes this point with a bullet through the ceiling. This sends Kayo running back to the car, where he’s chased off by the dubbed snarls of our overly happy wolf. I think the makers of this film got the “lone wolf” concept mixed up with “just a moody asshole”.

19. Regardless, we next get a scene of McQuade practicing at his own target range in the backyard (as much as one can call an open desert field a yard) while Kayo observes enthusiastically from a hill. Seriously, it’s like the guy has never seen another law enforcement officer before.

20. Cut to later, as McQuade drives his truck down a barren desert road, while Kayo follows. A chase ensues, in which we learn that while the average cop car may have superchargers, McQuade’s truck has Super Ultra Mega Superchargers! Kayo ends up crashing and McQuade speeds away towards a town.

21. McQuade stops at a house, and it’s here we get what for me makes any Chuck Norris movie a real Chuck Norris movie. Unlike most action heroes who tend to be rather isolated, there’s usually a very strong undercurrent of family values in Chuck Norris films. This is obviously added to show depth in his character and make him more relatable, but to be honest, it just makes the films that much funnier, because the man may very well be a sensitive family man in real life but he sure as hell can’t act it convincingly on film. This would become more prominent as Chuck’s career went on to the point where up until recently, Walker: Texas Ranger was showing on The Hallmark Channel.

“What do you mean this is best my career will ever get?”

22. It turns out the “lone wolf” act is just for on duty hours, because our rugged action hero is suddenly a doting father being greeted by his daughter Sally, played by Dana Kimmel. They plan to go horseback riding, and his ex-wife also comes out to greet him. Surprisingly enough, the two have a good relationship, which is odd for this type of movie. In fact, they get along so well it sort of makes McQuade a bit of a dumbass for choosing to live in a place better suited for the Unabomber instead of with his family. I suppose one could argue that the job stress was too much for the wife, but given what we see here, it looks like everyone is cool with each other.

23. His ex says they’re moving, and even this is played in a fairly friendly way. Sally’s boyfriend drives up, and he gets a quick intro that ends on a friendly note, and then we’re off to the races. Literally.