NOTE: This is a repost of a review that was originally published two years ago on—as they say in the business—"another website".
Way back in April of 2004, I got word that an indie B-horror spoof called Frog-g-g! would be screening at a local theater. This came from an old friend of mine named Helena Lazaro, who took one look at the Agony Booth and immediately realized that movies where mutant frogs terrorize small towns were my reason for living. So she invited me to the screening, and afterwards posted a much gentler take on the film on her blog.
I've decided to reprint my original review of Frog-g-g! pretty much verbatim, just as I wrote it shortly after the screening. But at the end, I've added a few new comments and MP3 sound clips, courtesy of the subsequent DVD release of Frog-g-g!.
THE ORIGINAL REVIEW
Dateline: April 30, 2004
In this low-budget homage to/satire of '70s "nature run amuck" horror films, contamination of a small town's groundwater causes a tadpole to grow to huge, mutant proportions and become the Frog-g-g!, a latex-suited monster with the genetic need to mate with human females. And, I should add, this reviewer is one of only a handful of people not directly involved with the movie to have actually seen it.
Yeah, I know. I could say the same thing about a lot of the movies on this site. Easy Kill comes to mind, as does Night of Horror. But what makes Frog-g-g! special is that I caught it at an exclusive midnight showing in Hollywood that was attended by many of the people who worked on the movie.
Yes, I said Frog-g-g!
Now, I definitely don't want to turn into the Harry Knowles type of reviewer. Nobody wants to turn into the Harry Knowles type of anything. I promise you, I won't be using an 18-point purple font to describe the fourteen hours leading up to the screening, the route I took when I drove to the screening, what I ate before the movie, or all the free handouts I got from the studio (or as Harry calls them, "pwesents").
But in the interest of fairness, I have to mention that it was clear from the get-go that Helena and I were probably the only non-industry people in the whole crowd.
As we sat there listening to the gentle murmur of aspiring actors and directors "networking" (read: brownnosing), Helena and I debated on the proper pronunciation of the title. Eventually, we settled on "Froguhguhguh!" Sadly, nobody else in the audience pronounced it that way; They just called the movie "Frog". Losers.
Before the showing, there were a few announcements, including the news that the Frog-g-g! himself was going to make a personal appearance after the screening. Sadly, he never showed. For his sake, I hope he didn't get pulled over and have to explain being in that suit.
I knew a Frogger movie was a bad idea.
I should also mention—again in the interest of full disclosure—that there was a raffle drawing before the showing. Guess who was one of the winners? If you said "random guy three rows in front of me", you're wrong! It was me! I'm the big winner here! Of a DVD and a poster!
At first, I assumed this was because the makers of Frog-g-g! were well aware of the clout and cachet held by the Agony Booth, and that these "pwesents" were just a transparent attempt to get me to write up an enthusiastic review.
And boy, was I planning to. Who am I kidding? I love pwesents just as much as the next guy. Screw journalistic integrity. Just give me free stuff and I'll write whatever you want.
But then I got home, and saw that the DVD only contained a low-resolution copy of the same trailer you can download from the movie's website. And the poster I won... Well, let's just say this "artwork" (using the term loosely) benefits a lot from being shrunken down to postcard size, as shown above. Unless the goal in designing the poster was to make it look like it was drawn by a precocious fourth grader, I'd say they missed the mark. But I digress.
Beware! Something mildly horrible is about to strike!
Back to the movie, which started promisingly enough. Like most entries in the '70s killer animal genre, it opens with an ominous teaser where a small child is the first to stumble upon the mutant menace. And just as you'd expect, said mutant menace is never actually seen; It's only suggested through the magic of POV shots. And also, like most other entries in this particular genre, the teaser is totally unrelated to anything in the movie—None of these characters will ever be seen again.
Then the opening credits came up, which immediately drew hoots from the audience, because the main titles played over a sequence of soft-core girl-on-girl sex. As it turns out, the central character in Frog-g-g! just happens to be a lesbian. So, at this point, all things considered (raffle, poster, DVD, lesbians), I was thinking to myself that this was going to be one awesome moviegoing experience. Then, sadly, the actual plot kicked in.
A serious discussion about maintaining balance in a small ecosystem, and the ramifications of introducing pollutants into that system. No, really.
As I now reflect upon the entirety of the Frog-g-g! experience in my mind, one question remains: What were they trying to do with this movie? Was it meant to be a straight homage to '70s mutant critter films? Was it supposed to be a farcical send-up of the genre? Watch this film and let me know, because I still have no idea. But it's safe to say that, no matter which approach they were going for, the movie doesn't try very hard either way.
The only prior film experience on writer-director Cody Jarrett's résumé was as a stand-in for various skinny actors like Johnny Depp, Guy Pearce, and the inimitable Jon Bon Jovi. There's another movie he supposedly wrote and directed called Surfbroads, which, as far as I know, only exists in the form of a screenplay, a brief trailer, and a t-shirt worn by a character in Frog-g-g! But in Hollywood, all that matters is who you know, which is proven once again by this film and Jarrett's ability to coerce genuine professionals into working on it.
For most of the film, we're watching a straight homage to drive-in horror classics. Frog-g-g! focuses on EPA investigator Dr. Barbara Michaels (played by Kristi Russell) as she looks into reports of groundwater contamination in a small town. She attempts to question the owner of the local chemical plant, a guy named Huntley Grimes (played by Michael McConnohie, probably best known for doing voice work on G.I. Joe and The Transformers back in '80s). He, of course, stonewalls. Meanwhile, he and his men are desperately trying to cover up the illegal dumping they've been doing.
In frustration, Barbara takes her findings to the local sheriff, Buford Lawson (played by Rob Brink) who of course is good friends with Grimes, and casually dismisses Barbara's warnings with the expected "well, ain't that nice, li'l lady" sneer.
Just a good ole boy! Always meanin' some harm!
So, within ten minutes, we already have in place all the tropes from '70s mutant animal rampage movies: The Plucky Scientist, The Evil Capitalist, The Disbelieving Sheriff. And for the majority of the running time, it's all played completely with a straight face.
In fact, the first three-fourths of the movie is filled with nothing but dull, poorly-paced exposition about the chemical plant, its history, and the nature of the chemical that it's been dumping in the water. You'd never guess it from the premise, but Frog-g-g! is a movie with tons of dialogue, and lengthy scenes consisting of nothing but talking heads.
And you know, I'm sure director Jarrett thought it was absolutely hilarious to have his bubblehead star spout off mathematical formulae and sketch molecular structures on a chalkboard. Unfortunately, this never really becomes much more than an inside joke.
"I'll show you! I'm WAY better at pretending to be smart than Denise Richards!"
The only humor or interest or spark of life to be found in the first 75% of the movie is centered around the fact that Dr. Barbara Michaels is a lesbian. And not just a lesbian, but one whose typical working attire consists of skin-tight jumpsuits with zippers down the front open to her navel. Kristi Russell may not be the best looking actress around (she's certainly not the most talented), but you won't hear me complaining too loudly about her choice in wardrobe (or sexual partners). Sadly, even this angle isn't played for all it's worth. There were only brief, scattered laughs as Barbara tested the water in a pond while striking a pose straight out of a Russ Meyer movie.
Faster, Polluter! Spill! Spill!
Finally, the titular monster appears. I'll admit, holding back on showing the monster until the very end is pretty consistent with '70s animal horror movies. I mean, I do get that particular joke. But it doesn't make the first three-fourths of the film any less excruciating to sit through.
When the monster finally does appear, the barest hint of farce and satire takes hold. After all, the Frog-g-g itself is quite obviously a guy in a green latex frog suit. And furthermore, it's the kind of suit that would have the makers of The Creature from the Black Lagoon beaming with pride fifty years after the fact.
Using sketchy science alone, Barbara not only deduces the existence of the Frog-g-g, but also the true nature of the creature: Due to a genetically-induced compulsion, all the Frog-g-g wants to do is mate with human women. Let the wackiness begin, right?
Young Bill Cosby loses his virginity, frazzum-shazzum.
Not really. We do get the typical scene of the monster attacking two virgins having sex, with the big "twist" on the cliché being that the girl is actually lying about being a virgin, har de har har.
There's also some business involving the Frog-g-g attacking a high school football game, then assaulting a local Catholic girl's school. I won't go into too much detail on these events, because frankly, they're just not that funny.
Wait, you mean there's actually a Frog-g-g in this movie?
The most disappointing aspect of this movie is all the useless padding. There's a scene where two men working for Huntley Grimes go out into the woods and bury drums full of toxic chemicals. This scene goes on for so long that I actually saw audience members turning to each other with "what the hell?" looks on their faces. It was probably the most uselessly dragged out scene that's not in a Coleman Francis film.
What exactly did Cody Jarrett believe he was making? A spoof? Or a straight-faced homage? The movie jumps back and forth between the two genres without rhyme or reason. Frog-g-g! ends up being so disjointed, that it basically plays like several audition reels for different unknown actors and technical people, all strung together into a ninety-minute portfolio. Was this movie ever meant to be entertaining and/or turn a profit, or was it created for the sole purpose of lengthening a few résumés?
The "bright stadium lighting" method of hiding unconvincing special effects.
Ah, but I'm just a grouch, right? Why am I being so hard on this film? I mean, can you really hate a film that ends with a woman ripping open her shirt and screaming, "Fuck me now, frog man!"?
The answer, surprisingly, is yes. if you're tempted to watch this film, you're probably better off sticking with extremely similar fare like The Giant Spider Invasion, or Humanoids from the Deep. Yes, I just recommended The Giant Spider Invasion. Sometimes, I scare myself.
And if you're a big fan of the Sleestaks from Land of the Lost, you'll probably get really nostalgic over the design of the Frog-g-g.
Frog-g-g! is playing at Laemmle's Sunset 5 in West Hollywood at midnight on Fridays for a limited number of showings. After that, your best bet is to wait until they're selling the movie directly from the Frog-g-g! website, because something tells me this movie's never going into wide release.
FROG-G-G! REVISITED ON DVD
Frog-g-g! is now out on DVD (amusingly, the tagline on the DVD cover now reads "King Kong. Godzilla. Jaws... Wimps!", which I assume is a more Tower Records-friendly way of phrasing the slogan on the poster). Watching it again, I think most of my original assessment still stands. There was one thing on my mind as I watched the DVD, and it was exactly the same thing on my mind while watching it up on the big screen: Why did a movie about a mutant frog played by a guy in a rubber suit have to be so damn boring?
Padding at its finest.
One advantage of finally having this movie on DVD is that I can now time the scene where Huntley Grimes' men bury barrels full of toxic waste, and thus, I can finally put a number to my suffering.
Before I tell you exactly how long the scene lasts, let me describe what happens in it: Two of Grimes' men put the barrels of toxic chemicals in their pickup, drive out to the middle of nowhere, unload the truck, dig a hole with shovels, place the barrels in the hole, cover the hole with dirt, and then drive away. And all of this transpires with only one line of dialogue passing between the two men (the exceedingly ironic "About friggin' time!").
Can you guess how long this all takes? Two minutes and thirty-four seconds. I mean, it rivals just about anything in "Manos" The Hands of Fate for the amount of sheer nothing happening onscreen.
This man hates you. And anyone else who paid money to see this film.
Besides the trailer, the only special feature on the DVD is a brief look at what went on behind the scenes. Here, we finally get to see Cody Jarrett, and indeed, there's no doubting he once worked as a stand-in for Johnny Depp.
At one point in the doc, Jarrett declares, "This is so Troma, it's unbelievable." Now, I've seen my share of Troma films. With very few exceptions, they were repulsive, horrifying explorations of the many ways fake gore, fake feces, and fake semen can be used in film. Each and every one of them plays like the wet dream of a brain-damaged chimpanzee. But Troma films, good or bad, are undeniably memorable. Never in a million years could I describe Frog-g-g! as "so Troma".
Also in the featurette is a segment where a great deal is made over Mary Woronov's brief appearance in the film. Mary's been in hundreds of assorted B movies, starting with several of Andy Warhol's experimental art films from the '60s. She was Calamity Jane in Death Race 2000, Miss Togar in Rock 'n' Roll High School, and probably her most famous role was as the wife in Eating Raoul (which also featured Robert "Chakotay" Beltran as Raoul). She would later reprise her Eating Raoul role in a brief cameo in Chopping Mall (which is actually far longer than her cameo here).
"Good lord! Young Bill Cosby is STILL IN THERE!!"
She's in the final scene, which lasts less than a minute, playing a doctor who helps the non-virgin girl give birth to what predictably turns out to be the son of the Frog-g-g. My favorite part of the behind the scenes stuff was when Woronov asks for some coaching on what a doctor does during childbirth, because, as she explains, she's never had a baby. It's not every day you hear a woman in her sixties saying that, which I thought was pretty cool, and totally what you expect to hear from someone with a filmography as bizarre as hers.
And now, as promised, MP3 sound clips! I kind of hate to include these, because extracting the funniest sound bytes from Frog-g-g! might give the impression that it's in some way interesting. But ultimately, discovering audio gems like these buried in a big pile of manure is what makes watching movies like these (and reading reviews about them) worthwhile. So here we go: [NOTE: Absolutely none of these sound clips are work-safe!!]
"There are some homies dissing your girl? I'm on top of it."
