With the arrival of The Dark Knight, the second Christopher Nolan-helmed Batman movie, Albert asked me to take a look at a past Batman comic. But of course, this site being what it is, I knew he didn't have in mind Knightfall or A Lonely Place of Dying. Oh no. I got to look into the distant past of the Bat-franchise. And it's a scary, scary place.
While the Adam West Batman series tends to get a lot of the blame for giving the character a campy reputation, Batman was already having rather bizarre adventures well before the show's premiere in 1966. Case in point: the abomination which we're about to endure here, which was published in 1961. And I can say without a hint of irony that the Adam West series made a hell of a lot more sense than this story.
For reasons that completely boggle my puny human brain, Superman writers were having success around the same time introducing the concept of a "Superbaby" into the occasional issue. I'm not certain why a superpowered being's antics as a toddler were so popular with the readership, but then again, even Rob Liefeld still has fans, so there's no accounting for taste.
Inspired by Superbaby, the Batman writers gave the idea of a Bat-Baby a try in the pages of Batman #147, with a cover date of May 1961. And one of the things I discovered about these older Silver Age comics is that while the story on the cover is indeed inside of it, there's also other minutia that gets pushed in there, too. Basically, the whole issue is kind of a miniature Batman anthology book.
And while the other two stories, "The Plants of Plunder" and "Secret of Mystery Island" are pretty demented in their own right (the former actually features alien plants robbing jewelry stores), both stories pale in comparison to the utter horror and sheer WTF-ness that is "Batman Becomes Bat-Baby".
The story opens with a full-page spread. For some reason, it was standard policy in the Silver Age to feature a full-page spread at the start of each story, which would depict some scene from later in the book. And while you can certainly wonder why they wasted an entire page on something we'll see happen later on anyway, this spread is particularly pointless, because it's almost identical to the cover of the issue.
The only difference is the narration text: "Imagine Batman as a four year-old!" Happy with his parents, just a few years before they're brutally gunned down? Sure!
"Imagine Batman the size of a child -- and having to overcome this handicap in order to go on fighting crime!" Tonight, on a very special Lifetime Original Movie...
"Yes -- this is exactly what occurs"—but the names have been changed to protect the innocent—"when gangland takes revenge upon its great enemy, and laughs mockingly when Batman Becomes Bat-Baby!" You know, a four year old technically is no longer a "baby". But I suppose the title "Batman Becomes Bat-Preschooler!" doesn't have quite the same dramatic effect.
The real action begins with Batman and Robin spying on a group of criminals entering their warehouse hideout. These crooks, just like every other crook seen in comics of the era, are all wearing stylish tweed jackets and fedoras, almost like they work directly for Al Capone. Seriously, guys, it's not the 1920s anymore—you can at least try to be discreet in your criminal activities.
Batman and Robin have an expository conversation, letting readers know they got an anonymous tip about this warehouse, and these are the same criminals who robbed a jewelry store a few nights ago. They go inside to confront the crooks, and discover they're being aided by a rogue scientist named... are you ready? "Garth!"
Ah, yes, the most fearsome criminal in Batman's Rogues Gallery: the vile Garth! In all seriousness, I think "Steve" would have been a more threatening name. And I'm aware there are superheroes named Garth, but that's certainly not the name they use to strike terror into the heart of Evil. I think I'd be more intimidated by Dana Carvey than this guy.
Batman and Robin quickly punch out the nearest thugs and Batman advances on Garth! However, the rogue scientist activates a device, which looks like a giant desk lamp.
Batman's reaction? "What--? An eerie ray of light -- bathing me!" Not that I should move out of this eerie ray of light or anything, what with the rogue scientist firing it at me!
(By the way, how exactly does one become a "rogue scientist"? Do scientists have a big union I don't know about, with membership dues and patent rights on world-dominating inventions?)
Much to Robin's shock, Batman starts to shrink. The crooks set off smoke bombs to make their escape, and when the smoke clears... Batman has become a small child. Gasp! Bet you didn't see that coming. What with the cover of the issue, and the introductory text, and everything.
But here's the real stupidity of all this. Garth has essentially invented a device that reverses the aging process. And yet he's hanging around with jewelry thieves. He could patent his device, sell the patent for billions of dollars, and basically be remembered for all eternity as the guy who gave human beings virtual immortality. I know I made fun of the guy's name and all, but I think "Garth" would quickly become the most popular boy's name for centuries to come if he actually released this invention to the world. But no, instead he has to waste it by helping crooks get revenge on Batman.
Batman's costume is now sagging all over him, and he can no longer walk. Robin has to carry him back to the Batmobile, leading to this gem of a line from Batman: "Robin-- I never thought there'd be a time when you'd have to carry me in your arms like a baby!"
"...But I've always dreamed about it!"
The newspaper "Gotham Gazette" receives photos of the de-aged Batman, courtesy of a hidden camera that Garth apparently had at the scene. The editor of the paper sits at his desk, examining the photos. He laments, "Much as I hate to do it, I must print these photos! The public has a right to the truth!" Yes, I can see he's truly agonizing over this decision.
The news hits town, and people are distraught that Batman's crime fighting days are over. But personally, I'd be looking at this photo and going, "Geez, when did the Gotham Gazette turn into the Weekly World News? Next, we'll be reading about alien plants that rob jewelry stores!"
The evil Garth and the other crooks celebrate their victory. They realize that instead of destroying Batman, they've succeeded in making him a laughing stock. Of course, no one in the previous panel was actually laughing at Batman's situation. So what was the point of sending photos in to the local paper?
Over at stately Wayne Manor, Alfred gives the young Bruce some phone books to sit on at the dinner table. And frankly, with the way this is drawn, Bruce looks like a baby doll with the arms extended out. It's more than a little creepy.
"Sigh! If only I could get my arms to bend
at the elbow!"
Of course, things start to get into much crazier territory in the next panel. Bruce trains in the Batcave, discovering that despite his youthful appearance, not only does he retain his mental faculties, but also the full strength of an adult. Let me get this straight: Garth's magic machine not only makes people younger, it also lets them keep their adult strength?! So, not only is Batman not less of a threat, he's now actually a harder target to hit?
Forgiving the fact that it makes no damn sense whatsoever that a child could have the muscle strength of a 30 year old man, Garth had to have known about this side effect, right? I mean, it's his invention. He must have known Batman would still be just as strong and smart, even as a toddler. So, what the hell was the point of making him into a little boy again? Oh, right: To creep out the audience.
And oh my, does this ever. In the last panel of the page, Bruce decides he's going to continue fighting crime until they can get their hands on Garth's machine (which I shall henceforth be calling the Youthenizer). He declares, "So gangland is now calling me a baby! Well, I'll dress like a baby, and prove to them that I'm still a crime-fighter -- as Bat-Baby!" Folks, you know how Rock Biter's kid from Neverending Story II was creepy? This is only slightly less disturbing.
Bat-Baby is decked out in tiny little upsetting shorts, like he's a Japanese boy from Prince of Space or Invasion of the Neptune Men. He's got on a bat-logo t-shirt under overalls, and he's made himself a tiny cape and cowl, and did I mention the hideous shorts? To make matters worse, the artist saw fit to outline his lips in this panel, which only makes things that much scarier.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
That night, Bat-Baby and Robin go on patrol, and come upon three bandits. Actually, some woman is just standing on the street, pointing at three guys running away, and calling them "bandits". This is all the provocation Bat-Baby and Robin need to chase after them, pursuing the guys up a fire escape. But then again, they're wearing fedoras and tweed suits. So they've got to be criminals.
Bat-Baby soon realizes his legs are too short to keep up. He spots a nearby tire-shaped helium balloon for the "ACME Tire Co.", so he leaps over to it. It's got a convenient rope tied to the bottom, and Bat-Baby hangs on as it lifts him up.
Now, what the heck was a helium advertising balloon doing floating so low to the ground? I'm beginning to think these versions of Batman and Robin have no actual skills. They just rely on incredible luck and circumstance to fight crime. In the other two stories in this issue, Batman managed to get out of situations because there just happened to be a shawl, or a ledge, or something else nearby right when he needed it most. So, I guess despite having enough of a disturbing imagination to come up with the Bat-Baby concept in the first place, the writers weren't particularly talented at coming up with logical plot points.
The ACME balloon rises, carrying Bat-Baby up, and he notes that this is only possible because he currently doesn't weigh that much. Wait a second—he has the strength of an adult, but not the weight of an adult? Arrggggh! This comic makes physics cry!
Bat-Baby leaps off the balloon onto the roof, landing on a random "taut wire", as the narration calls it. Bat-Baby's thought balloon notes another lucky consequence of his new condition, which is that the wire can actually support his babyfied weight.
With a "TWA-ANG", Bat-Baby launches himself off the wire at the three criminals, and knocks them over. Robin the Slow Wonder finally arrives, and congratulates Bat-Baby on a job well done. And then in the next panel, we learn that news of Bat-Baby knocking the wind out of three guys in fedoras has made front page headlines in less than an hour.
"Bat-Baby in torrid affair with Paris Hilton!" "Bat-Baby Wins World Series!" "Superbaby to Bat-Baby: DROP DEAD"
Back at Wayne Manor, Bruce-Baby, Alfred, and Dick are hanging out. Alfred looks out the window and sees Kathy Kane coming up the path. Kathy Kane was one of Bruce's love interests at the time, as well as the erstwhile Batwoman from this era of the comics. Later on, it came to light that the character was created purely to dispel rumors about Batman and Robin being a gay couple. Though, in an issue where Robin is actually carrying Batman around in his arms, I'm not sure if her presence helps that much.
It looks like Bruce knew she would show up, because he's already got a plan in mind for handling the situation. Alfred invites Kathy in and directs her towards the library... where Bruce and Dick beat her to death. Well, of course they don't, but that really would have saved this comic, I think.
Instead, Kathy sees a shadow on the wall, and it's the silhouette of Bruce and another woman kissing. And instead of doing something sensible, like walking in and confronting the man she loves, she just angrily storms out.
Cut to the library, where we learn it's actually just a cardboard cut-out [!] of Bruce kissing a woman. That was his big plan to get rid of his girlfriend? By making her think he's cheating on her? I'm starting to understand why Bruce Wayne's been a bachelor for 70 years.
Ah, but he's not as shortsighted as you might think. "When I'm adult size again," Bruce says, "I'll explain that the 'girl' she saw was a cousin!" Wow, Bat-Baby thinks of everything! Because it's perfectly acceptable to kiss your cousin full on the lips while locked in a tight embrace.
But seriously, what woman with half a brain cell is going to buy the "Oh, that girl you saw me making out with? Just my cousin" excuse? Sure, she's your cousin. Just like Amara and Michelle in Sailor Moon are cousins. You little freak.
—"Hey, Bruce, can I ask what you do with the cardboard cutout when you're
not using it to scare away your girlfriends?"
—"Please don't."
Having successfully dodged a sexual encounter with an actual female, Bruce and Dick get to work on finding the crooks who are working with Garth. Bruce says the jewel thieves won't leave town until they've sold the stolen gems, which is why the police are "keeping tabs on every fence in town." Whoa, whoa, slow down with the lingo there, junior.
Bruce quickly tracks down one particular "fence" who owns a pawn shop. Coincidentally enough, there's a playground right across from the guy's pawn shop. This allows Batman to keep a low profile by playing on a swing set. And there's a sentence I never saw myself typing.
By the way, can you legally have a pawn shop across the street from a playground? No wonder Gotham City is a cesspool.
The "fence" comes out of his shop, and Bruce worries about keeping up with him and his "long legs". Luckily, he "cached a pair of skates in the park, for just such an emergency!" Was this before or after he became a toddler? We can only wonder.
Bruce follows along on skates, and eventually comes upon the evil Garth's hideout. Well, at least I assume he does, because the next page abruptly starts with Bat-Baby and Robin crashing through a skylight into the hideout.
So, as if this whole exercise wasn't goofy enough, things take another turn for the silly. It seems Garth's hideout is a "storage warehouse", and for reasons left unexplained, there's a rocking horse here. Bat-Baby subsequently rides the rocking horse down a ramp to knock down several villains. Words fail me, people.
Robin also throws a giant harp—a giant harp?—at a few more goons. Meanwhile, Bat-Baby takes advantage of the distraction and heads for the Youthenizer.
So, I'm gonna guess this is the warehouse where Liberace stores his stuff.
Robin knocks over a bookcase onto a few more goons, and then finds out Batman has successfully returned to normal size. And it happens just like that: adult Batman is suddenly just standing there. One gets the feeling that the artist realized at the last minute he was running short on space, because there are literally two panels between Bat-Baby riding the rocking horse and adult Batman reappearing.
This means that, thankfully, we're spared the sight of a full-sized Bruce Wayne in the tiny shorts. Batman explains that he "slipped on a plastic costume I had folded up in a pants pocket!" I'm pretty sure plastic isn't designed to fold that well, or at all really, but frankly my mind has already been shattered by this story, so I don't feel like dwelling.
Restored to full size, Batman makes short work of all remaining criminals. The final panel shows Batman and Robin back in the Batcave. The Bat-Baby uniform has been placed in a trophy case, which is really, really creepy, considering all the other costumes that get put in trophy cases later on are from dead Robins.
Batman's final line of the story: "Just a reminder -- of a brief childhood." And we all know how Bruce Wayne just loves to be reminded of his childhood, don't we?
"Well, Social Services said I can't actually put a small child in a glass case, so I figured this was the next best thing!"
It's times like these that make me actually appreciate the Comics Code. Because if this story had been done in modern times, I'm sure there'd be at least one diaper joke. And I really do not want to contemplate Batman, at any age, wearing a Bat-diaper. And you just know it would have been called a Bat-diaper, complete with a bat-logo poop-stain.
Gah, that was horrible. If anyone needs me, I'll be reading Booster Gold.
For more awful comics, check out Lewis Lovhaug's blog, Atop the Fourth Wall!