May 20, 2014
Celebrities! They’re Just Like US! Zac Efron Fights A Homeless
“Actor Zac Efron got into an altercation with at least one homeless person early Sunday in downtown Los Angeles after the vehicle he and a friend were driving became “stranded,” police officials confirmed.” — The Los Angeles Times
Zac screamed at Norbert, who was off in his own head, his own head, his own head. Not listening. Never listening. Norbert was scratching, scratching, scratching. There were bugs, man, so many bugs, they were inside him, in his blood and in his brain and he could pull them out of his skin on long strings of hardened pus. But they always got back in. Zac’s face was screaming, but Norbert couldn’t hear the words. The blood pumped through his ears, as loud as the rush of oncoming traffic at Temple and the 110, where their car was stranded, here, at 2:25 a.m. Sunday morning. Zac was still screaming, and slowly Norbert tunneled his focus so he could make out the words, Zac was shaking him by the lapels of his Le Tigre polo shirt, screaming that they had to fight a homeless.
Norbert looked around. There weren’t even any homelesses here at Temple and the 110. If they wanted to find a homeless to fight, they’d have to take that awful turnaround to the 10 East where you can never tell which lane goes east, which goes west, and which keeps going on the 110, man it is a mess, and then they’d have to get off at Maple or San Pedro and make a left around back under the freeway to 16th. There would be a couple homelesses there, under the freeway. Not too many. They couldn’t go to Skid Row, with its thousands of homelesses. Even with all their superhuman strength from the spacedrugs they couldn’t fight a thousand homeless at once. They could only take like six tops.
Norbert wasn’t sure why Zac Efron wanted to fight a homeless, but if Zac Efron wanted to, he could dig it. They were compadres forever. “We have to fight a homeless so we can drink his blood,” Zac explained, and his face was totally serene and calm, he knew he was making sense. “Oh, that’s cool man,” said Norbert. “How come we gotta drink his blood though?” He wasn’t pushing back, he was just curious. Zac always had a good reason, Norbert just wanted to share in the joy of knowing what it was. Zac didn’t take offense though, he was cool, he knew Norbert wasn’t disrespecting his bossness of him. “Because when we drink his blood, Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley won’t be able to send messages to our brains from the NSA, buddy.” Norbert got it. Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley had been sending a LOT of messages to their brains from the NSA lately, which was why they were suing the NSA, and Barack Obama. They just had to find a cool lawyer first. Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley controlled Hollywood, and she had some kind of dirt on Barack Obama that was making him use the NSA to do whatever she wanted. It was seriously uncool man. It was some fucked up shit.
They did some more spacedrugs.
They sat in their stranded car, no homelesses in sight. They started to get a little antsy.
“Maybe there’s some homelesses up at Beaudry, by the teachers credit union and LAUSD offices,” Zac offered thoughtfully. But Norbert was picking at his pus strings again, trying to get the bugs out. Zac punched him in the face.
“Thanks man,” said Norbert. “You’re welcome, buddy,” said Zac.
They both started to nod off, they had been here for what seemed like hours, and soon they were in a deep deep space sleep.
Within seconds, a homeless dude came up to their car, it was a Pinto, and he knocked on the glass, and Zac, his eyes shining with happiness, rolled down the window that still rolled down. “I AM GOING TO FIGHT YOU AND DRINK YOUR BLOOD!” he shouted at the homeless, and then the guy laughed an evil homeless laugh and said a magickal incantation, and before Zac Efron could get out of the car, he leaned in the open window and his magickal fangs came out of his teeth, and he drank all Zac Efron’s blood in about one second as Zac Efron’s eyes bulged out, and he simultaneously had an orgasm and died.
Norbert was really sad that Zac Efron was dead from vampirism. Soon the cops came. They put Norbert in quarantine so his space bugs wouldn’t infect the whole free world. No kind of Rid would get rid of the space bugs. He grew old in quarantine.
He died 49 years from now, in the future, still grieving his best buddy, Zac Efron, still quarantined in a hazmat cage.
[LAT / Photo by PRPhotos]