May 29, 2018
Galavant RECAP: Xanax Makes Everything Better (S1:E5-6)
Ladies and gentle donkey turds (Madalena’s words, not mine), we have arrived!
After two weeks of Medieval musical foreplay, and countless songs about lady who-ha’s and male ding dongs, Galavant has finally reached his rousing CLIMAX!
This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The episode where our hero, and the guy who is supposed to be the villain but is actually MY FAVORITE, meet again in (sort of) epic fashion and prepare to do battle for the heart of . . .
. . . this b*tch . . .
Also this week . . . more guest stars . . . like the guy who made fun of all those Michael Jackson songs in the 80s . . .
And the British version of Steve Carrell’s character on The Office . . .
But most importantly, Daisy from Downton Abbey . . .
Playing the part of . . . well . . . Anna from Downton Abbey . . .
So reign in your horses and hold on to your drawers, because even the cook gets lucky in this hour . . .
The Many Faces of Madelena (all of them evil) . . .
Since the beginning of this series, most of us have suspected that there was something just a twinge off about Queen Madelena. At first we just assumed it was your garden variety sociopathy (mixed in with a dash of nymphomania).
But as it turns out, she suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder.
How else would you explain this opening musical number, during which Madelena plots to take over the kingdom with sixteen other women, all of whom bear a striking resemblance to . . . Madelena?
(Well, there was a lot of inbreeding during Medieval times, especially amongst the upper class, so it makes sense that mental illness would be prevalent . . .)
And though we’ll have to wait until the second half hour for the, um . . . Madalenas’ plans to be put into action, King Evil Dick’s scheme to use Princess Lots-of-Last-Names and her big ugly old jewel (which, by the way, is an actual jewel, and not a euphemism for a lady part) to lead Galavant directly into his trap is working out splendidly!
In fact, he’s said to arrive at the castle around 9 . . . ish.
A Little Monk-ey Business
Princess Lots-of-Last-Names, who, by this point, is feeling extremely guilty about her part in the Evil Plot to Kill the Hot Guy, tries to stall the inevitable (and bring about a superfluous guest appearance) by convincing her “Gal Pal” that he smells stinky and needs a shower.
Then again, on second thought, this suggestion may have much less to do with saving Galavant’s life and more to do with Princess-Lots-of-Last-Names secretly hankering for an encore of THIS . . .
Alas, a wet and wild Joshua Sasse is not to be had in this hour of television.
But we get something almost as good! It’s Weird Al Yankovic and his boy band of singing monks . . . complete with The Bad Boy Monk, The Shy One, and lots and lots of jazz hands . . .
OK, so it’s not at all as good as a Soaking Sasse, but you’ve gotta save something for the grand finale, right?
Galavant’s shower must be a REALLLLLY long one, because during it Princess Lots-of-Last-Names has enough time to walk all the way to the castle, plead for Galavant’s life to the king, literally see what her parents’ heads would look like on platters, and return to the monastery with no one having been any the wiser.
(Because, apparently, this is a Singing Medieval Comedy Extravaganza that also involves time travel. Who knew?)
Princess Lots-of-Last-Names also seeks guidance from Weird Al about the whole Gal Betrayal situation and gets none, which kind of makes this whole cameo pointless, except for the fact that it gives Galavant the idea to sneak into Evil Dick’s castle wearing a Monk’s Costume.
You know what that means, ladies? MORE HOODIES! HUZZAHHH! (Clearly the writers of this show read my recap and took my Gal-wear suggestion from last week . . .)
Upon finally arriving at the castle, Galavant is intercepted by Evil Dick, who reveals Princess Lots-of-Last-Names’ part in his upcoming demise and carts a very hurt (but super clean and dashingly hoodied) Galavant to certain death, while locking the Squire Guy and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names in the dungeon with hot jester and pretty much the entire rest of the cast of this show.
King Evil Dick wins! HOORAY!
Oops, I mean . . . oh no! Save Galavant and his hoodie, so that he may live to take another really long shower (preferably one in front of the camera this time) . . .
“We’ll have twelve babies, and one of them might not die.”
Meanwhile, downstairs, love is a-brewin’ between Evil Dick’s Cook and Daisy from Downton Abbey, who, in this incarnation, is not a cook but actually Madelena’s handmaiden, which I, for one, found very confusing . . .
Madelena uses this little tidbit of intel to her advantage when she sets Cook and Daisy up on a dinner date in exchange for information about Evil Dick’s plans for Galavant.
Then, the Cook and Daisy sing a song about dying at age 32, head lice, giving birth to stillborns and sleeping in a hovel together. It’s a really sweet love song, obviously . . .
Then, when Daisy goes to meet the Cook, she’s surprised to find he’s stood her up . . .
But before you get mad at Cook, you should know he had a really good excuse. You see, Madelena switched his place with Galavant so HE would be headed for the guillotine instead of her erstwhile lover. And, despite the fact that the Cook is about half the size of Galavant and has a completely different hairstyle, no one seemed to notice.
For shame, Evil Dick! How do you expect to win if you keep making silly mistakes like this?
Because Every Evil King Needs a Backstory (and some good anti-anxiety medication)
Outside at the guillotine, Evil Dick is super depressed that all his plans so far this season have been epic fails and that he hasn’t been getting the respect from his peers that he so clearly deserves.
So, Cook, who is just moments away from certain death, suggests what any of us would in such a situation . . . that Evil Dick go visit Ricky Gervais in his mother’s basement and trip on some acid. (Sometimes the most obvious solution to a problem is also the best.)
Ricky Gervais’ character’s name is Xanax . . . probably because Wellbutrin and Lithium have too many syllables and Zoloft is not quite as catchy.
Xanax makes Evil Dick drink some soup that causes him to remember that time when he was a short, chubby ten year old who only got to be king because his older brother Kingsley decided he’d rather go off and bed hookers than sit in a chair all day and worry about getting gravy on his tummy flowers.
In other words, Evil Dick used to be Tommen from Game of Thrones without the weird cat obsession. And his brother was Joffrey, if Joffrey was smart enough to skip town before he became a super crappy king who ultimately got poisoned in what was oddly the most satisfyingly disgusting fictional death inflicted on a thirteen year old of all time.
Reunited and It Feels So Meh!
Back at the castle, Madalena and her old boy toy Galavant are eating chicken, which is fitting, because they both seem to really love chicken.
Galavant keeps trying to get Madalena to admit that she loves him. But we all know that Madalena only really loves herself . . . and maybe her 16 other personalities. In fact, Madalena only saved Galavant’s life so that he can replace the now-dungeoned Jester as her very pretty sex toy. (Girl has got taste, you can’t deny that.)
When Gal refuses the offer, he ends up back in the dungeon with the rest of the cast (sans guest stars). And Madalena orders Gareth to torture them all.
At this point, a part of me is hoping that Gareth’s “torture” methods involve Galavant taking off his shirt and being repeatedly doused with scalding hot water. But again, I am disappointed.
As it turns out, Gareth is conflicted about torturing our heroes, because he’s not-so-secretly in love with the King and the King would be hurt if Gareth did something so much fun without him there to enjoy it.
It’s actually really romantic, in a twisted, freaky deeky kind of way.
But hey, if anyone deserves unconditional weird love, it’s our Evil Dick.
Also coming around to the idea of love for one another are Princess Lots-of-Last-Names and Galavant . . .
. . . or as they fondly like to refer to each other, Stinky and Snorey.
Heart-wrenching betrayal, impending death, and the upcoming ending of a series in need of a happy ending will do that to attractive people . . .
Upon returning from his acid trip with Xanax, Evil Dick is invigorated and confident enough to finally admit his love for the loyal Gareth and toss that wench Madalena in a dungeon that would be a lot more threatening if it actually had doors that locked . . .
Yay, King Dickey!
Unfortunately, as was hinted earlier in the episode, Madalena has other plans–plans that involve the surprise return of Evil Dick’s way eviler (not to mention, SO, SO MUCH OLDER-LOOKING . . . which I guess is what hard living with lots of hookers does to you in the Middle Ages) brother Kingsley . . .who has come to reclaim the throne for himself.
Now, if only Evil Dick could use Princess Lot-of-Last-Names’ time machine from earlier in the episode to go back in time and poison his brother . . .
Hey, it’s a miniseries on ABC (the people who brought you Lost) . . . it could happen!
Until next time, Galavantians!