Women Don’t Masturbate Enough


Ladies. What did you do this morning? Perhaps you took a shower, brushed your teeth, walked the dog, got the kids to school? Maybe you warmed up the car or did Jazzercise. The important question is, did you fuck yourself? If statistics are to be believed, you probably didn’t. And that makes us really sad. In fact, according to our friends at Five Thirty Eight, chicks barely touch themselves in their down-therea (use it in a sentence today) at all: “Only 1.5 percent of women ages 30 to 39 masturbated four or more times per week” (btw, the data comes from Indiana “We Love to Fukk” University’s National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior.) We agree with the feministers over at Feministing: “It’s time for your semi-regularly scheduled reminder that masturbating is fun and healthy and will not, in fact, cause hairy palms or whatever the hell the anti-sex brigade is claiming these days.” Just look at this chart, jeez.

Masturbation Chart

Okay, here’s some inspiration for you. Never say we didn’t do anything for you doing yourself.

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  • Mahousu

    Here’s a revised version of that chart:

    • Pa always said there were two types of liars, when it comes to masturbation.1) Those who say they have never.2) Those who say they have stopped.

      • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

        He forgot statisticians!

      • gullywompr

        My doctor told me that I had to stop masturbating. At least until I got home.

    • keinsignal

      Yeah, I was about to say, only 18.8% of males 18-24 j/o >4 times per week? Either upwards of 80% of that cohort was lying, or 18-24 year-old me was a statistical anomaly of staggering proportions. Malcolm Gladwell probably could have wrung another best-seller out of me. So to speak.

    • vreejack

      There is no choice for >10 times per week. I doubt I am a statistical outliar.

      • glasspusher

        You can’t be an outliar if you’re that honest.

        • vreejack

          Dammit I have a quota to meet.

    • glasspusher

      Thank you for this helpful correction.

  • Tracer Bullet

    My girlfriend is in the 99th percentile and damn proud of it. She considers the whole day a failure if her fingers aren’t pickled by 6:30 a.m.

    • sarabenincasa


      • Mahousu

        When Sara Benincasa says you’re gross, you are gross, man.

  • splashy79

    Could that be because when they do, they have multiple orgasms so don’t need to do it as often? You know, quality, not quantity.

  • msanthropesmr

    For your collection and inspiration:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFq4E9XTueY&feature=kp

  • gullywompr

    You’re soaking in it.

  • Dolmance

    This is why I prefer bipolar women. I’m not kidding.

  • glasspusher

    I find this post very easy to fap to.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    According to my research, people tend to fib about this shit. Just sayin’.

  • hellslittlestangel

    Yes, but what does the MRA think of all this?

  • docterry6973

    Perhaps ladies would ‘tickle the ivories’ more often if I promised to watch?