Jul 24, 2017
Once Upon a Time RECAP: The Wishy Washy Wishing Star (S4:E10)
Still suffering from a tryptophan-induced post-Thanksgiving food coma? This
kind of fillery pre-cursor to the important episode action-packed installment of everybody’s favorite show guest-starring those wacky kids from Frozen has just what you need to wake you right out of your Turkey Hangover.
It has snappy one liners . . .
Hot people tearfully kissing . . .
Magical hats that vacuum up the show’s most obnoxious characters . . .
And certain-death situations from which people get rescued at the last possible second for no other reason than that they are just so gosh darn cute
and because Disney has contractually required that they survive at least until Frozen 2: Electric Boogaloo. . .
Also, we learned valuable lessons about the temperamental nature of magical jewelry and the importance of wearing safety goggles.
Yes, I’m talking about safety goggles. You know, those hideous clear plastic boxes you wore in your high school chemistry class? The ones that made even your most attractive classmates look positively ridiculous and left tell-tale pink raccoon circles around your eyes for hours after you took them off?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure those things would have been much more effective in protecting the sweet residents of Storybrooke from the spell of “Falling Glass That Gets in Your Eyes and Makes You an Asshole” than basically anything the cast did during this episode to try to protect themselves.
But hey, let’s be honest. We didn’t really want our heroes to win this time, did we? After all, nothing says good TV like an asshole Snow White and a douchey Prince Charming ripping one another to shreds.
I’m getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I? Let’s review.
Redemption Is Overrated
Hey, remember those two or three episodes last season where everybody cooed over what a stand-up guy old Rumplestiltskin had become, because his love for the fair, book-loving Belle had supposedly castrated him entirely of his tendency to cackle like a school girl, wear way too much body glitter, and make really crappy, life-threatening deals with everybody in town just because he could?
That was fun while it lasted, wasn’t it?
Now, Rumpel is pretty much the worst. First, he makes a deal with the Snow Queen to spare only him, Belle and Henry (?????!!!! a.k.a the kid he tried to murder last season) from the Glass-in-Eyes-Asshole-Making Spell, so that the three of them can leave Storybrooke after everyone else is dead. Then, he has Captain Hook use his magic hat to vacuum up all the fairies in Storybrooke (which I guess makes it a Fairy Dust Buster?) so he can use their magic to get the Dark One sword out of his ass . . . thereby ensuring that no one, apart from his Chosen Three, can counteract the Snow Queen’s spell and/or get out of town alive.
On a positive note, he’s rescued us all from having to spend another episode with that self-righteous Blue Fairy, who nobody ever liked very much anyway. That, in and of itself, may almost be enough to grant him a Get Out of Evil Free card . . .
Weather Forecast in Storybrooke: Cloudy with a Chance of Asshole-Making Glass Showers
Partly to build suspense, and partly because the writers needed to stretch the Frozen storyline out for an extra episode, the Snow Queen’s Shattered Sight spell takes its sweet time getting to Storybrooke. Instead, it looms ominously in the distance for 40 minutes while the town’s residents come up with increasingly crappy ideas as to how to stop it from coming. (And NO ONE suggests Safety Goggles, mind you! WHY NOT? I don’t know!)
Emma’s idea: “Let’s leave town.”
In Emma’s defense, that’s actually a pretty good idea . . . except for the whole Big Ice Wall Surrounding the Town and Preventing Anyone from Leaving Ever thing . . .
Prince Charming tries to blast through said ice wall and ends up with a face-full of snow . . .
And this action, for reasons that are still not entirely apparent to me, causes the ice in the floor to break, revealing Anna’s snowflake necklace, which leads to . . .
Elsa’s idea: “Use necklace as a homing device to find my sister.”
Apparently, getting glass in your eyes and becoming an asshole is kind of like the chicken pox. Once you’ve had it, you can’t get it again. Therefore, Elsa’s grand plan to save Storybrooke from eye pain and assholism is kind of similar to the way your parents forced you to play with Chicken Pox Jimmy in kindergarten, even though he smelled bad and had head lice. It’s all about everybody rubbing Anna’s head like she’s a troll doll and building immunity.
Good idea, right?
There’s just one problem. Elsa hasn’t seen Anna in THIRTY YEARS! That’s longer than the cast members on pretty much any CW show have been alive! She’s also stuck in a mile-square town surrounded by an ICE WALL from which no one can enter or leave . . .
So, pretty much everyone except Elsa herself thinks her idea is crap. Fortunately, we aren’t out of options yet.
Belle’s idea: “Break Anna’s homing device necklace, extract the glass asshole-making particles from it, and use THEM to make a vaccine.”
At least we are getting slightly more practical now. Since Anna was wearing the snowflake necklace when she was infected with asshole-making glass, it stands to reason that some of that glass got in the necklace. And extracting that glass and using it to save the town takes nothing more than a magical cauldron and a convent full of fairy nuns to make it work.
Oh, wait . . . I forgot . . . Rumpel and Hook vacuumed up all the fairies into that creepy hat box just a few minutes ago . . .
Better luck next asshole-making spell, guys . . .
Everyone else’s idea:
Wear safety goggles. HIDE!
Seemingly out of options, the residents of Storybrooke spend their final pre-asshole moments making sappy speeches to one another, swapping spit, and walling themselves off from their loved ones in the hopes that they won’t murder them while in the throes of Being an Asshole . . .
But if that plan actually worked, next week’s episode would just be about a bunch of assholes sitting alone behind closed doors angrily muttering to themselves. And if I wanted to watch that, I could just look in a mirror. :)
So, I’m thinking this plan is going to fail miserably . . . much like everything else our heroes tried to do this week . . .
Well . . . almost everything.
Drowning in a trunk never bothered me anyway . . .
For reasons that aren’t entirely made clear, Arendelle unfreezes this week on Once . . .
. . . leaving a newly un-icicled Anna and Kristoff to race around like chickens without heads in search of Elsa, who they think is still in the magical teapot that temporary asshole Anna locked her in one week/thirty years prior. Finding a lock of gold straw on the floor, Anna and Kristoff determine that Rumpel has Teapot Elsa. But instead of heading off to find him, they decide to try their luck with the local pirate Blackbeard.
No particular reason, other than the show really wanted to have an episode featuring Blackbeard. Because Blackbeard owns something called a “Wishing Star” that Anna and Kristoff can use to find Elsa and they figure he can be more easily bribed to give up the goods than that Crazy Drag Queen Rumpel.
But Anna and Kristoff have other problems, apart from still having icicles stuck in their panties, and having to choose between bargaining with a sociopathic wackadoodle and a guy who is named after his facial hair to get Anna’s sister back . . .
Remember this guy?
Well, apparently, Hans and his brothers are unfrozen too. And they want to take the kingdom away from the absentee Elsa.
While Anna and Kristoff are able to evade the bumbling beau-hunks in the castle, their efforts prove to be less effective aboard Blackbeard’s ship, where the adorable duo learn that . . .
(1) though Anna’s and Elsa’s parents wanted the Wishing Star, they were never able to get it to work because its use requires the wisher to be pure of heart . . . and one of their parents just so happens to be the AWFUL, TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, RIDICULOUSLY BAD Gerda so THAT wasn’t happening . . .
(2) Blackbeard has already been paid off by the bad guys, so he’s on THEIR side, not our heroes.
Sorry, Anna and Kristoff, it looks like its off the plank in a trunk for you . . .
Though drowning in a box was not quite what Anna envisioned when she pictured her “destination wedding,” our stalwart ginger makes the best of things by tearfully reciting her marital vows to an increasingly waterlogged Kristoff.
Honeymoon in Heaven?
Meanwhile, in Storybrooke, Elsa has just blasted through a salt mine, arrived on a beach, and wished really hard to be reunited with her sister.
And wouldn’t you know it, there she is!
If you guessed that Anna’s necklace was the wishing star all along, you get a cookie . . .
Unfortunately, if you live in Storybrooke, that cookie is not going to keep you from becoming an asshole . . . because Anna’s and Elsa’s reunion inconveniently occurs just seconds before the spell rains over town.
RUH ROH! Put on your safety goggles, my Dearies! It’s Asshole Time!
See ya next week!