Wild Wild West (1999) (part 7 of 11)

Well, it appears Rita can stay. A short scene later, everyone’s getting ready for sleep. Jim and Gordon, lying on couches, have a boring conversation about what contraption Loveless could be forcing the kidnapped scientists to build. But fear not, the tedium is broken up by the real reason for this scene. Rita walks into the room, wearing a pair of Jim’s long johns. They say their goodnights and Rita turns to leave, revealing that the flap in the back is open, showing off her ass cheeks. Gordon and Jim go nuts over this, of course.

Jim: I told you she’d be a distraction.
Gordon: She’s not a distraction. It’s nice having her onboard. She’s a… breath of fresh ass.
Jim: Pardon me?
Gordon: What?
Jim: You said ass.
Gordon: No, I didn’t. I said it’s nice having her onboard. She’s a breast of fresh air.
Jim: Let’s just get some shut-ass.

All I have to say is, Jim and Gordon are in good company here.

Caption contributed by Albert

Barry Sonnenfeld, the world thanks you.

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Cut to the Wanderer chugging along in the daytime. Coleman sees another train up ahead, and he alerts Jim and Gordon over the intercom that they’ve caught up to Loveless.

In the back car, Jim tries to stand up, and a knife-blade pops out of his boot. This turns out to be something Gordon installed last night while he was sleeping. Jim snaps at Gordon for messing with his stuff, while Gordon mutters under his breath about several “other little additions” he made to Jim’s wardrobe. I wonder what those additions could be. Might they include the bulletproof vest that Gordon was meaningfully working on earlier? Nah, couldn’t be.

Caption contributed by Albert

Here’s hoping Patrick Swayze will burst in to let Jim know he’s too stupid to have a good time.

Cut back to Coleman, who peers ahead as the Wanderer enters a tunnel. When the train emerges on the other side of the tunnel, Loveless’ train is gone. Where did it go, you ask? Why, the tank-train extended four large mechanical spider legs to lift itself high above the tracks and allow the Wanderer to pass underneath. Of course, the spider legs look far too large to fit inside the train, but let’s not dwell on that.

Caption contributed by Gareth


The tank-train drops back down and pursues the Wanderer. Cut to Gordon and Jim, who notice that Loveless is now all of a sudden behind them, and Gordon wonders why. When Loveless fires a cannon shot at them, Jim says, “That’s why.” Oh, Jim, you are so snarky, even when you’re about to be blown to bits.

Alas, the shot misses. Rita bursts into the car wearing a robe, thus eliminating most of her reasons for being in this movie. Gordon tells her to get down, which Hayek does with all the excitement of someone balancing her checkbook.

Meanwhile, Jim grabs a nearby rope, and lies on the billiard table. You know, the same one from earlier? He tells Gordon to press the DO NOT PUSH button again, which Gordon does. The billiard table flips and sends Jim beneath the train. Oh, and remember the last time Gordon pushed that button, and a hammer swung down? Naturally, that hammer doesn’t show up at all in this scene, and never appears again. I love consistency.

And just to piss me off further, Jim is below the train on a small trolley that we also didn’t see the first time that button was pushed. Again, how convenient!

Inside the cabin, a winch emerges from the floor and Gordon begins to crank it, extending a rope attached to the trolley. Basically, Jim gets reeled out onto the tracks like a worm on a hook. And because suspense must ensue, the cord suddenly breaks. Jim and the trolley, defying the laws of physics, immediately roll backwards. And no, before you ask, the tracks are not on a steep hill.

Jim zips underneath Loveless’ train, and just in the nick of time, he lassoes his rope around a hook underneath the train. And lookie there, the rope is the elastic rope, and we get the dubious pleasure of watching Jim yo-yo back and forth underneath Loveless’ train! Next, we’ll watch Loveless use Jim’s balls for a Hacky Sack!

Caption contributed by Gareth

Jim tries to prove he can crap a bigger turd than this movie.

Eventually, Jim manages to grab hold of a bar underneath Loveless’ tank-train and flip himself onto the rear car. He climbs onto the roof of the train and heads towards the front smokestack. He’s about to plug it up with a nearby lid, when Mr. Ponytails (remember him? You probably don’t, but it doesn’t really matter) sneaks up behind him.

Jim and Mr. Ponytails grapple on the roof for a few moments, until it seems like Mr. Ponytails has the upper hand. Oh, but remember that blade Gordon put in Jim’s shoe? It spontaneously pops out, and Jim flings his leg back and sinks it into Mr. Ponytails’ chest, killing him. And yes, it looks as awkward as you’d think.

Caption contributed by Albert

Death by footwear!

Cut to inside the tank-train, where one of Loveless’ buxom ladies, specifically Musetta Vander, whose name is “Munitia” in this film, is peering through a periscope. It’s been a good five minutes since we’ve had an ass joke, so Loveless is positioned right behind her, staring at her rear. Can you guess the dialogue here? Bzzt! Time’s up.

Munitia: I have them square in my sight, sire.
Loveless: As do I, Munitia. As do I.

Okay, this is not even up to the level of frat boy humor. A junior high kid would be embarrassed to retell these jokes.

Jim continues his quest to block up the smoke stack, but this time uses Mr. Ponytails’ carcass, what with the lid being unappealing now, or something. This blockage causes the pressure inside the tank to rise, just as Munitia fires a huge grappling hook from the tank-train’s cannon. It’s a massive, fake, giant CGI harpoon that smashes through the Wanderer, sending Rita and Gordon scurrying out of the way. Eventually, the Wanderer is pulled to a stop.

At the same time, the tank-train breaks down in a giant explosion. Incredibly, this explosion doesn’t hurt anybody, and the only result is a shot of Loveless leaving his train, telling his girls that they need a new one.

With the Wanderer stopped, Rita gets into a panic and grabs one of the smoke bomb billiard balls. For no particular reason, she and Gordon run into the car’s bathroom to hide. Moments later, Jim staggers into the car and calls out Gordon’s name. For some reason, his voice is all raspy, and Rita, being the airhead she is, thinks it’s Loveless. So she activates the billiard ball sleeping gas… while the bathroom door is still closed. Then Jim opens the door, and gets a face full of sleeping gas. So in the end, the gas knocks out Gordon, Rita, and Jim. Presidents’ best men, my ass.

Caption contributed by Albert

“Wait a minute, there’s no Pokémon in this thing!”

Cut to Jim and Gordon in a cornfield. How did they end up here? They were nowhere near a cornfield when the tank-train was destroyed. This is another one of those moments that really makes me wonder if a scene is missing.

Jim and Gordon are surrounded by a shin-high wire fence, and they’ve been fitted with the same collars as worn by that not-so-smart professor at the start of the film.

Caption contributed by Albert

“Just relax, you only have to wear it until the stitches heal, so you won’t lick yourself.”

The Wanderer is stopped nearby, and Loveless is on the caboose’s platform, speaking to them through a megaphone. The conversation quickly turns to Rita, now being held hostage by Loveless. When Jim threatens Loveless, the movie goes right back to the dick talk.

Loveless: Ah, yes, Mr. West, I’m sure to a no-doubt well-endowed blackamoor like yourself, it must seem absolutely impossible that a freak like me could fully enjoy the pleasure of a woman. But having witnessed my use of mechinology thus far, wouldn’t you think I could devise something for the lower half of my body that was hard and pumping and indefatigably steely?

And to punctuate (sorry) this graphic image, witness the following contraption that sits near where Jim and Gordon are located:

With that image scorched into our brains, Loveless forces Coleman, also a hostage now, to start the train up. As they head out, Loveless tosses out a few more quips to Jim and Gordon, while simultaneously revealing he’s heading for Spider Canyon. In fact, he should’ve added, Did you catch that? I’m heading for Spider Canyon! I hope you remember this important detail when you escape from my needlessly complicated method of killing you that is infinitely more cumbersome than putting a bullet through your brains!

Multi-Part Article: Wild Wild West (1999)

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