May 29, 2018
Wild Wild West (1999) (part 11 of 11)
Down below, Loveless is pleading for his life, and Jim is stupid enough to let Loveless continue shuffling his way backwards to his wheelchair. Jim brings up New Liberty, and Loveless gets all righteous and pissy. Eventually, he gets angry enough to fire the guns on his wheelchair. Ah, but Jim dodges the shot by… turning sideways? Yes, that’s right. He turns sideways and avoids the bullets, which, sadly, is the weakness of all guns. The bullets do graze his ass cheeks, because the movie desperately needed another ass joke.
But Loveless’ bullets end up hitting two pipes that just so happen to be perfectly aligned with his guns. And it looks like these pipes conveniently power the giant spider. So right when the mechanical spider is about to walk off the cliff, the spider merely leans over the edge and conveniently stops. The sudden tilt of the spider’s head knocks Loveless’ wheelchair loose, and he rolls forward to his doom, until his wheels conveniently are wedged between the pipes right at the edge. Jim is hanging onto various pipes for dear life, but he loses his grip and falls to his own would-be doom, until he conveniently grabs Loveless at the last second. Have I said conveniently enough yet in this paragraph? Conveniently conveniently bo-beniently banana fana fo feniently!