Dec 16, 2019
Wichita State Will Shocker The World, Help HNTP Win One Billion Dollars
This may come as surprise to a lot of people, but it’s hard to get rich blogging. Those of us in the Wonkette-Happy Nice Time People Media Empire really want to get rich. Not tacky Russian oligarch rich, but rich enough to buy a small island, live modestly, and hunt people as the most dangerous game. We won’t hunt normal people, that would be wrong, but hunting ex-Real Housewives, lesser Kardashians, or everyone on Alex Pareene’s hack lists is totally ok. Even if we are wealthy and hunting human beings for sport, we want to do things ethically.
That’s why we decided to enter the Warren Buffett/Quicken Loans/Yahoo Sports/Why-Not-Halliburton-And-Monsanto-Also NCAA Men’s Basketball Billion Dollar Bracket contest. Your editrixes (editrixi?) Rebecca and Lisa formed Team Band Camp and used their total and complete lack of sportsball knowledge to complete the West and South regions. Because literally no one else in the Wonkette/HNTP universe knows anything about about sports, your humble sportsball correspondent formed Team Sportsball with former colleague/recovering reporter/runner of long distances for no good reason Angela Wittrock to handle the West and Midwest regions.
Technically speaking, the odds of winning this thing are worse than getting rich blogging, but filling out a bracket is super easy, so what the hell. Also, technically speaking, if we win, we won’t actually get a billion dollars because we’ll take the up-front $500M lump-sum payment. It’s a better deal because of inflation. Even then taxes will take a big chunk of the money because thanks a lot Obama, but it should be enough to allow us all to live modestly while ethically hunting people as the most dangerous game on our private island.
All that said, Warren Buffett should prepare to open up his wallet because the Happy Nice Time People bracket is looking pretty sweet. We have the undefeated and undefeatable Wichita State Shockers winning the whole tournament.
A lot has been said about the Shockers’ challenge clearing a path through a tough Midwest region. Michigan, Duke Louisville, and Kentucky make for a bumpy road, but rather than keeping Wichita State down, this draw can only stiffen the Shockers’ resolve. Besides, we expect Kansas State to upset Kentucky is what could be the greatest 8-9 game in tournament history and Michigan will avenge the Fab Five’s losses to Duke in the Sweet 16. The Shockers just have to penetrate Louisville’s defense and then get lucky against the Wolverines to get to the Final Four. Then, they’ll stick it to Wisconsin. The Badgers will defeat Arizona in an Elite Eight proxy war between America’s worst governors who weigh less than 300 lbs, Jan Brewer and Scott Walker. Wisconsin, insufferable as that team can be, has been a tournament overacheiver. Arizona once had trouble with Santa Clara.
Elsewhere in our bracket you can see the outside-the-box thinking that sets us apart from the losers who won’t win the billion dollars. Some people might think picking #14 NC Central over #11 Providence in the Round of 32 is risky, but we Nate Silver’ed the crap out of the thing. We’re standing by that pick. Also, Villanova beats both pre-tournament sexy pick Michigan State and the odds-on favorite Florida. ‘Nova will lose 75-71 to our beloved Shockers in the championship.
If, in the unlikely event that our bracket isn’t perfect, then this will become a bragging rights contest between Team Band Camp and Team Sportsball. The winning team will have their tournament highlights montaged to the timeless sounds of One Shining Moment…assuming anyone has the skills and desire to create said montage.