May 29, 2018
Which TV Husband Would Have an AshleyMadison Account?
The AshleyMadison hack revealed the names of the no good cheating philanderers who used the site, including hornier-than-thou reality TV “star” Josh Duggar, which got me thinking… which TV husbands would have seedy dating site profiles on the side if only they weren’t fictitious?
1. President Fitzgerald Grant, Scandal
Fitz’s main mistress is Olivia Pope, but considering she’s all wrapped up in her own daddy issues (specifically, trying to destroy her father’s global domination conspiracy), Fitz might need a second outlet for his POTUS, i.e., penis of towering unusual size.
Of course, this is just a scandal in the making and Olivia would be brought in to do damage control, trying to explain to the press that all of his dick pics were simply an expression of solidarity with Planned Parenthood. Olivia would have to ruin the reputation of AshleyMadison CEO Noel Biderman to distract the press, but luckily for her, that problem would take care of itself.
2. Don Draper, Mad Men
While Don could easily pick up women in bars, work, diners, ashrams, parent-teacher conferences, the DMV, or anywhere where there are females breathing, he’d probably also be unable to resist the opportunity to market himself in writing. Besides, you never know when that mopey waitress you’re banging is going to turn extra mopey and won’t let you “rescue” her and project your anxieties about the mother who abandoned you on her. It’s good to have a backup.
Sadly, Don Draper doesn’t get a lot of hits. He’s more of a guy better suited for the pre-Internet days.
3. and 4. Claire and Phil Dunphy, Modern Family
We know that Phil and Claire enjoy roleplaying as a suave businessman seducing a lonely housewife, and they can sometimes get carried away with hilarious results. It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch that Phil would get all Method and set up AshleyMadison accounts for himself and Claire.
Claire would initially be horrified but also somewhat flattered at the attention her profile attracts–even if it’s only because she is one of the few real female profiles active on the site. But, hey, it’s a sitcom, so embarrassment is bound to win out in the end when hackers reveal the most traditional couple to be the most messed up of them all.
Perhaps Clive and Juliana should only reunite IRL once a year.
5. Ross Geller, Friends
Even though the final episode had Ross and Rachel finally decide that they “will” their “will they or won’t they?” romance, lingering ambiguity will have Ross looking for other options within the week. Like Rachel’s mom says, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
It should come to no surprise that Rachel will find out about the account, insist that they were not on a break, and the cycle begins again. Only after mistakenly marrying Taylor Swift and Bradley Cooper after drinking absinthe in Amsterdam, adopting 62 potbellied piglets together at an elementary school fundraiser, and impregnating both Olsen twins with (SPOILER ALERT) Rachel’s genetic material, do they return to each other’s arms for another three week relationship.
Truly, no one did tell us life was going to be this way.