Which Avenger lost their virginity first?

Do people really care about the world being saved countless times? Not really; they’re too busy glued to their smartphones to even recognize what the sky looks like. If you were to even see the Avengers in real life, you’d assume it was cosplay for Comic Con or a group of swingers headed to a superhero-themed orgy.

Who cares that they have superhuman strength, unparalleled agility, and spout cheesy one-liners every five minutes? Today’s anxious society of mostly millennials wants to know which of the Avengers was first to lose their virginity.

So let’s start with the contenders and look into the possibly of who came first. Pun intended.

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Was it…

Black Widow

Not because she’s a woman, but because of the way she can crush a man’s skull with her thighs. She did it about 50 times during her introduction in Iron Man 2. She was also trained from birth in how to seduce a man or torture him, or both if he’s into that, so she’s certainly got the skills to make a man say “yes.” Followed by “noooooooooo!” Followed by “yes”. It’s a very confusing way to die.

Did she lose her virginity first?

No, her assigned conquests probably didn’t stay breathing long enough to complete the act.

The Hulk

Before becoming the Hulk, Bruce Banner was a renowned scientist, and scientists are sexy. Name me one scientist who isn’t sexy. See, it’s practically impossible. When Banner hulks out, he’s even more irresistible, with an undeniably massive… heart, which chicks dig.

Did he lose his virginity first?

No, he’s dedicated his life to studying gamma rays, not getting laid.

Hawkeye

If there’s anything Hawkeye knows, it’s precision penetration. He’s a consummate professional and perfectionist, which means he understands the importance of practice, practice, practice. Can there be any doubt this extends to his love-making prowess as well? The dude has been firing his arrows for a very long time.

Did he lose his virginity first?

Definite contender.

Black Panther

Animalistic instincts, unmatched physical stamina, and a killer bod. Not to mention money and power. It’s almost a shame he’s forced to put duty over booty. As king of Wakanda, he’s always under constant surveillance. If he got busted busting a nut and his people found out, it would bring great shame to his family name.

Did he lose his virginity first?

No way, he would get into too much trouble.

Falcon

Falcon can literally pick up ladies. Plus, he’s an expert in combat, tactics, and espionage. These are also skills you can use in flirtation.

Did he lose his virginity first?

Possibly; he’s got more charm than Captain America.

War Machine

War Machine can also fly, and he’s got a huge gun, if you know what I mean, to make up for his absolute lack of personality. Of course, being stuck in Tony Stark’s shadow can’t help.

Did he lose his virginity first?

No, he’s too rigid and boring.

Spider-Man

Virgin alert! No way this guy’s been laid yet. On the other hand, we’ve all seen his room, and there’s lots of evidence he’s finally hit puberty with all that white stuff dripping from the ceiling (oh wait, that’s webbing).

Did he lose his virginity first?

The web-slinger is still a virgin. He can barely hang out with a girl long enough to get her number before running away and shooting his web.

Thor

Thor is every woman’s fantasy: strong, flowing blond hair, and armed with a massive hammer. He’s the kind of guy you see on erotica book covers. The fact he can shoot thunder only adds to his alluring physique. But he totally failed to make a move on Natalie Portman other than a lame kiss on the back of the hand, so we can assume Asgard is a no-sex-before-marriage kind of place.

Did he lose his virginity first?

Not likely. At the very least, there’s some archaic Nordic ritual he’d have to perform first that would totally kill the mood.

Vision

Part robot, part… we don’t know. He was only born yesterday, but seems to have affection for Scarlet Witch. He’s definitely still a virgin since he doesn’t have a penis, but that’ll change as soon as Scarlet Witch grows him one.

Did he lose his virginity first?

Definitely not; he’s only recently been turned on.

Captain America

Good ol’ Steve. He hates swearing and anyone using God’s name in vain. He’s the epitome of a true American… 70 years ago. He hasn’t changed much since then, except for trying Asian food and Velcro shoes. He’s had his fair share of love interests, but being a soldier means you can’t mix business with pleasure.

Did he lose his virginity first?

No, he’s too stuck in his morals.

Scarlet Witch

She can literally do anything in the Marvel universe, but the real question is, can she get laid too? Well, she was confined by HYDRA for many years, which probably made her sexually frustrated enough to fall in love with the first guy she met: a robot.

Did she lose her virginity first?

No, she’s in love with a robot. I mean, that tells you everything you need to know.

Iron Man

The self-proclaimed playboy billionaire philanthropist has always been a bad boy. Not only can he build anything, but he’s confident, witty, and attractive. No doubt he had his fair share of inputs and outputs, downloads and uploads, and viruses well before the internet came along.

Did he lose his virginity first?

YES! Of course it’s Tony. He’s had women for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

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