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Breitbart Stupid And Terrible Again, This Time About Sex, Innocence, Race And Shirley Temple


We always kinda forget that Breitbart has an entertainment section, because the only thing that ever goes on in it is culture scolding or promoting those terrible Christian movies no one will ever see, but today they weighed in on Shirley Temple’s death so we thought we’d go over and LOL at it. We were not disappointed. Well, we were disappointed in that it is stupid and terrible, but we were not disappointed in that it met our expectations for stupidly terrible Breitbartian things, so yay us, maybe?

First, some completely confused thoughts about race!

Temple was innocent enough that when she danced with the legendary black dancer Bill Robinson in The Little Colonel, no one gave a hoot that the interracial teaming was a watershed moment.

We’re not even sure what this means. Does he mean that the moment passed without notice, because that was definitely not the case. It was controversial enough that the scene had to be cut before the movie was shown in the South. That’s not racial transcendence! Is he saying that another, less innocent lady, would have caused more of a stir if she had touched a black man? Help us out here, Breitbart minion.

You probably won’t be even a little bit surprised to find out that Breitbart also uses the death of Temple to remind us how ladies used to be ladies instead of the slutty slutmonsters they are now. Also, kids these days are just whores and now that Shirley Temple is dead no legs will ever shut again.

More than anything, Temple represented the wide-eyed innocence that America once believed was the natural province of childhood.

All of that has changed now. Our children can no longer turn on the TV without seeing rampant sexual activity paraded in front of them; without being instructed in their schools about sexual issues that once were assumed to be more appropriately discussed by adults; without being led by an Administration that seems highly preoccupied with sexual matters and uses them to vilify those who believe in innocence, and runs amok with its obsession for speaking on matters once considered private.

Let’s face it. There was no way that this wasn’t going to pivot to oversexed society yammering. The initial sentence could have been “We used to always know what we wanted for dinner” and the writer still would have gone right to “EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED SLUTTY KIDS OBAMA ARRRRGGGGHHHHH.” But using Temple as the avatar of innocence is particularly inapt, even for people as dumb as the ones who write at Breitbart, when you remember things like the fact that the first movies she did were ones where she played sexy baby versions of popular stars. Did you hear us? We said SHE PLAYED SEXY BABY VERSIONS OF POPULAR STARS.

That is not innocent. That is hella weird. But we are not really freaking out about it because we didn’t decide that Shirley Temple meant Truth, Beauty, Innocence, and the American Way, so we’re not feeling Breitbartian levels of loss.

Jesus, can you imagine how exhausting it is to be these people? You can’t let any cultural occasion — no movie, no birth, no death, no song — ever pass without examining how it helps or hinders the Glorious Breitbart Freedom Slutshaming Agenda.

We’re tired just thinking about it. We’ll be off in the corner watching videos. Maybe some Shirley Temple, maybe not. But either way, we won’t be watching them and wringing our hands over the end of the innocence, and no matter what, we’re not watching the sexy baby ones, because ewww.


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  • Hammiepants

    I was going to say, I guess they didn’t know over at Ghost Breitbart that ST was in softcore kiddie porn, did they?

    • abcdf@gg.inv

      According to family legend, back when my dad and his siblings were kids, my elder aunt was watching Shirley Temple on tv and my dad started freaking out and told mom on her because she was watching something “too sexy”. Grandma stormed in and saw America’s Sweetheart dancing and said, “Poor little Johnny. You mean sexist.”I’m not so sure it was a malaproprism now. It can be both.

  • Michael Rappaport

    That top picture’s no prize either. She’s bare-legged and reclining on a bed. holding hands with Mister Happy.

  • Bonus fun: Melvins with Shirley Temple’s daugher on bass: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFVjlhBZYfo

  • ButchWagstaff

    The first thing I ever Temple in was one of the Baby Burlesks. Creeped me out so badly as a kid, I still avoiding watching anything that has Temple in it.

  • Did…did they just imply that Shirley Temple was in a Devil’s threeway?

  • msanthropesmr

    Do you have a macro to type out the phrase “Breitbart stupid and terrible?” I think it might save you some time.

  • docterry6973

    ‘An administration that seems preoccupied with sexual matters…’If god existed he would strike that man dead. Which party is it that rants endlessly about slut pills and libido and freedom to deny contraception and abstinence education?

  • Dolmance

    Oh, come on. The guy was simply pointing out that Shirley Temple had a very powerful sexuality going on, but also the discretion to keep it private, because that’s how people behaved back then, when life was better.Oh, Christ, I just made myself sick.

  • JESUS H Christ, I think a generation of pedophiles was born with the airing of that short! Complete with Diaper!

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      • Annie Towne

        I realize that I am often late to the party, but I thought that was really funny and kinda sweet. If you guys weren’t all talking about how sexual it is, it wouldn’t have even entered my head that it was anything like. It made me think of those old Coppertone ads, with the girl’s bathing suit bottom being pulled off by the dog. Are you guys all really sick, or am I just incredibly naive?

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          • abcdf@gg.inv

            The sexual politics of that short is, if anything, more disturbing than the kids making out, to me. And that whole sequence with the falling milk and the rubber udder… yeeaaauuuuuch. I know it’s supposed to ‘play’ as the stock scenes of an alcoholic embarrassing himself for a last drop of beer but I’m sorry, seeing something totally different.

          • Annie Towne

            It’s not that I don’t see how it *can* be read as sexual, particularly the glove-drinking bit, but is that the only possible reading? If I need others to tell me it’s sexual, what does that mean–about the material, not me? I’m asking a real question. If the intended audience is other children, is it still sexual? And aren’t these older than the Coppertone ad? Am I now supposed to see that as sexual and pedophiliac, too? Is there anything that can be seen as innocent, or does that disappear entirely due to “subtext”?

  • Ellis_Weiner

    Okay, but wait. Here we have the confluence of Evangelical Christian scolding, which we know is antedeluvian and nutz, with POLITICAL commentary. In other words, the Breitbartian slutshaming (spellcheck is freaking out) is, in this instance, the same as religious nuttiness. Is this interesting?No. We already KNOW that wingnut political economy is based on wishful thinking and baloney. Why be surprised when it turns out to be congruent with the looniest of religious dogma? Never mind.

  • Manhattan123

    Coming from the party that spent the 90s talking about Bill Clinton’s dick every night on my tv – and apparently seems ready to do it again if Hillary runs – it’s really astounding that these right-wing fucks have the nerve to whine some blather about “an Administration that seems highly preoccupied with sexual matters.”

    • avantra

      As my mommy always says, “Republican is just another way to say shameless motherfucking hypocrite.”Even better is all that right-wing hyper-sex talk about oral-anal contact, rim jobs and semen stained clothes is part of the United States of America Congressional Record. Forever. How proud they must be educating every child in America to what a blow job is. Fucking hypocritical assholes.

  • lesterthegiantape

    I’ve got the weirdest boner

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Ah, yes — the Age of Innocence: when grown men could sexualize young girls, even very young girls, and no one pointed it out.

  • tpartynitwit

    We should all be grateful Deadbart’s obsessive gormandizing of cocaine and alcohol caused hie heart to seize up, resulting in him power booting in a gutter then falling face down (splattt!!) in a puddle of his own technicolor yawn, then his bowels and bladder released (pft! psssssssssss), the end.