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Breitbart Stupid And Terrible Again, This Time About Sex, Innocence, Race And Shirley Temple


We always kinda forget that Breitbart has an entertainment section, because the only thing that ever goes on in it is culture scolding or promoting those terrible Christian movies no one will ever see, but today they weighed in on Shirley Temple’s death so we thought we’d go over and LOL at it. We were not disappointed. Well, we were disappointed in that it is stupid and terrible, but we were not disappointed in that it met our expectations for stupidly terrible Breitbartian things, so yay us, maybe?


First, some completely confused thoughts about race!

Temple was innocent enough that when she danced with the legendary black dancer Bill Robinson in The Little Colonel, no one gave a hoot that the interracial teaming was a watershed moment.

We’re not even sure what this means. Does he mean that the moment passed without notice, because that was definitely not the case. It was controversial enough that the scene had to be cut before the movie was shown in the South. That’s not racial transcendence! Is he saying that another, less innocent lady, would have caused more of a stir if she had touched a black man? Help us out here, Breitbart minion.

You probably won’t be even a little bit surprised to find out that Breitbart also uses the death of Temple to remind us how ladies used to be ladies instead of the slutty slutmonsters they are now. Also, kids these days are just whores and now that Shirley Temple is dead no legs will ever shut again.

More than anything, Temple represented the wide-eyed innocence that America once believed was the natural province of childhood.

All of that has changed now. Our children can no longer turn on the TV without seeing rampant sexual activity paraded in front of them; without being instructed in their schools about sexual issues that once were assumed to be more appropriately discussed by adults; without being led by an Administration that seems highly preoccupied with sexual matters and uses them to vilify those who believe in innocence, and runs amok with its obsession for speaking on matters once considered private.

Let’s face it. There was no way that this wasn’t going to pivot to oversexed society yammering. The initial sentence could have been “We used to always know what we wanted for dinner” and the writer still would have gone right to “EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED SLUTTY KIDS OBAMA ARRRRGGGGHHHHH.” But using Temple as the avatar of innocence is particularly inapt, even for people as dumb as the ones who write at Breitbart, when you remember things like the fact that the first movies she did were ones where she played sexy baby versions of popular stars. Did you hear us? We said SHE PLAYED SEXY BABY VERSIONS OF POPULAR STARS.

That is not innocent. That is hella weird. But we are not really freaking out about it because we didn’t decide that Shirley Temple meant Truth, Beauty, Innocence, and the American Way, so we’re not feeling Breitbartian levels of loss.

Jesus, can you imagine how exhausting it is to be these people? You can’t let any cultural occasion — no movie, no birth, no death, no song — ever pass without examining how it helps or hinders the Glorious Breitbart Freedom Slutshaming Agenda.

We’re tired just thinking about it. We’ll be off in the corner watching videos. Maybe some Shirley Temple, maybe not. But either way, we won’t be watching them and wringing our hands over the end of the innocence, and no matter what, we’re not watching the sexy baby ones, because ewww.



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