Dec 13, 2018
This Week In Hilarious Adorable Funtime Rape (Trigger Warning)
I kind of feel like we shouldn’t really need a trigger warning in the headline up there, considering the word “rape” is already in it. But since we’re not going to add a trigger warning every time we post a picture of a “thin-bodied” person (tw #thinbodied tw), or start asking people what pronouns they’d like us to use for zir, we guess it is the least we can do.
First up in our hilarious adorable funtime rape week is this amazing video from Mother Russia. Vladimir Zhirinovsky is a far-right sweetheart, as is obvious when he tells one of his aides de dick to go rape a journalist who’d asked a question for which he simply did not care.
Translation courtesy of Buzzfeed (further translation at the link):
“You have to do things kindly, nicely. Where are those idiots, come here. You come here too, journalist. OK, I’ll say it then you run up and start raping her hard.”
Hahahahaha, man, this guy is good at jokes!
What is especially noteworthy about this video, which you should absolutely watch, is how calm and collected the young women journalists are. This man has beclowned himself, and they are about as intimidated by him as they’d be by a potato bug.
But the other especially noteworthy thing about this video is his aides actually attempt to follow his orders. They rush towards the young women, and though they’re unsuccessful in their sad tries at “kissing” them, they still stand there thuggishly, blocking the women from moving.
Oh young fellows, you are delightful, and by “delightful,” I mean “the reason I am actually terrified of Russian men.” These women aren’t though. Good on em.
Next up in rapey funtime week, we’re at XOJane via Buzzfeed, which is really on it! (It being rapey funtimes.)
XOJane picked up a podcast by Vice graffiti artist David Choe, who tells the super-great story about how he raped a massage therapist in her mouth. As he’s telling the story, he’s actually very self-aware, mentioning many times that she is not into it, that he knows she is not into it, that he knows she has no interest in sexytime with him, but that he forces his penis into her mouth anyway.
Oh, also it wasn’t rape. (That is maybe a little less self-aware.)
Let’s go to the tape!
So I just start jerking off. So then her hands gets off my leg and she just stops … I go “Look I’m sorry I can’t help myself — can you just pretend like I’m not doing this and you continue with the massage?” And she’s like “All right” and she does … I’m like “Can I touch your butt?” and I reach out and touch her butt and she pulls away. She doesn’t want me to touch her butt.
He asks her to spit on it and she says no, then he asks her to kiss it and she says no. “She’s definitely not into it, but she’s not stopping it either,” he says.
… I say “Kiss it a little,” she says “No, all the massage oil is on it” and I take the back of her head and I push it down on my d**k and she doesn’t do it. And I say “Open your mouth, open your mouth,” and she does it and I start facef**king her.
Oh the old “she’s definitely not into it, this person who has given every indication, including by saying words, with her mouth, that she does not want your rancid oily cock in her facehole, but she really wants it.” (He explains later in the podcast that her eyes said yes.)
Choe wants us to know it was rapey behavior, not rape, and I think we can all agree that she was asking for it by working in massage and being within a mile of David Choe.
Is that all the rape hilarity of the week? Not on your life! There was also this, too, also:
They then kiss, right beside Joffrey’s corpse. Cersei pulls away, and Jamie says, “You’re a hateful woman. Why have the gods made me love a hateful woman?” He then proceeds to grab her and kiss her, ripping at her garments. And as she continually says, “No, no, stop, stop, it’s not right,” he takes her, saying, “I don’t care.” Rape. On the floor of the Great Sept. Beside their dead son. Holy fuck was it disturbing. Seriously, like a million shades of not ok, and even disturbing for Game of Thrones.
For those of you keeping track of Jamie’s moral compass: fratricide is bad, but raping your sister beside the incestuous corpse of your son in a holy place is ok.
People, they were so mad about it! But the Game of Thrones director said nah mang, by the end she was totally super into it — ladies, remember, might as well lie back and enjoy it — so it was totally okay.
To cap off our week, Terry Richardson was Terry Richardson again.
Where is that marvelous ape?