Watch TV With Me! (On A 12-Hourish Delay)

First up in our travels of not leaving our couch in the four days since we got home from Philly, Boston, NYC and DC:

Parks & Rec!

Can we all take a moment to glory in Sam Elliott as the anti-Ron? A laconic, taciturn (laconic TIMES taciturn) man, Sam Elliott’s New Ron is the man Old Ron thinks will be his Manly Soulmate. Until New Ron starts quoting Cat Stevens and blithely discussing the need to keep his feet uncaged — like his chickens — and his hopes to one day progress from vegan to freegan vegan. He also cites “Moz” (Morrissey): “You don’t know ‘Meat is Murder?’ It’s probably the greatest song ever written about industrialized beef consumption!” From his yoga mat.

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Also April, after last week’s horror show of an episode — you know you thought so too — gets to have some fun playing a Real Housewives-style asshole and cozying up to Tyynifer, the single worst person she has ever met. “I want to travel the world with her,” she says, glowing with April.

Once Upon A Time In Wonderland

swashbuckling

Hey! This was good! Of course, the first season of Once Upon A Time was good too — the biggest delight being watching the backstories of the different fairy tale characters unfold, and how they fit them all together into a Jenga game of fairy tale history.

That said, I stopped watching Once Upon A Time sometime in season two: I could no longer stand watching Jennifer Morrison as Emma Swan come in 10 years later and help her birth son to run away from the woman who’d been raising him, evil queen or no. (For all Regina’s evil, she was a good mom.) She would also say things to Regina about how she, Emma, was his mother, which, kind of fuck you? It was hideously anti-adoptive parents, without even seeming to realize that’s what it was saying.

Also, it got a little too plotty, and I didn’t care, Ginnifer Goodwin as God’s perfect Snow White or no.

But Once Upon A Time In Wonderland was cool and hilariously ass-kicking. (Alice spent years fighting pirates with her beloved — a genie — and, after being imprisoned in Bedlam for insisting she’d followed a white rabbit down a hole into a place with talking dormice and mermaids and stuff, has a hell of a roundhouse kick and isn’t afraid to use it. Her fight scenes are well-choreographed and actually rousing.) AND SHE’S PRETTY. So there you go.

Super Fun Night

This was on two nights ago, sue me. Rebel Wilson is a Ren Faire nerd, and her two friends are a jock nerd and a nerd nerd, and they are fuckin’ sexy because they don’t know they aren’t beautiful (actually, one is beautiful, but “glasses.” Nice try, HOLLYWOOD) and that’s what makes them beautiful. They are gonna Internet-date the hell out of you! And these three other nerds what just moved into their building! Ooooohhhhh yeah [porn soundtrack]. Yay nerds!

The Millers

look at this fucking bullshit

We thought we’d watch this because “Will Arnett.” (Despite the fact that “name one good thing he’s been in that wasn’t Arrested Development,” you can’t, because Up All Night was the worst, and haven’t you always suspected he and Christina Applegate were doing it and that’s why he and Amy Poehler broke up? NOTE TO THE LIBEL LAWYERS: this is in no way an assertion that he and Christina Applegate were doing it and that’s why he and Amy Poehler broke up, it is merely wondering if you hadn’t wondered that, because we have wondered it.)

And then it had a laugh track. Bye, The Millers!

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Welcome to the Family

Not bad, teen pregnancy family sitcom! Mike O’Malley’s good, the teens are good, Justina Machado is scrumptious, and Mary McCormack (West Wing) is pregnant while her daughter is pregnant, because “sitcom.” (Also that happens in real life, but also “sitcom.”)

There was a scene where the dads, who hate each other, decide they hate each other so much they will each let the other punch them in the nuts, that is how bad they want to hurt them. And then they do, and lying on the ground, O’Malley groans “So. Worth it.” And I laughed very hard and my ex-boyfriend just looked at me because I have no taste.

Very sitcommy, but at least no laugh track, Jesus, Will Arnett.

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