Dec 14, 2020
Veep Recap: Lousy Smarch Weather
Oh dear, your Veep recap seems to be a little low. Here, let us fix that.
WHELP, Selina went to Silicon Valley this week, which is also where another HBO show is set, the show right before this one! No we have not watched yet, but we have heard good things. Mike Judge, y’know? The man knows from funny.
So Selina’s getting out of an event at one of Silicon Valley’s endless office parks, and everyone is all clap-clap-clap-clap-clap. And apparently Mike wrote her speech, not Dan? And Kent is in Selina’s good graces, which we totally expected to happen, but they didn’t even show us?
Things are moving fast now that the campaign is well and truly underway, as we hear Amy discussing a five-figure-a-plate fundraiser. Kent mentions the Veep’s next visit to Clovis, a company that is “worth $4.3 billion.” Mike puts $4.3 billion in perspective.
That’s more than I make in a year.
Thanks Mike! Selina works the rope line, and it’s all going fine until an old Meyer campaign volunteer appears in the crowd, and lookit she has an adorable babby! How old is babby, asks Selina, and the woman is all “Wah wah, fracking near my home has made my breast milk flammable,” and Selina does not have a clue what is going on.
Shutters click, smart phones come out, and Selina’s compromises on clean jobs are coming back to haunt her on the campaign trail. She spins and nuances and literally baby-talks until she can say the words “the United States of America!” and go out on an applause line. And so we are once again reminded that policy is not exactly Selina’s strong suit.
Away from the madding crowd, Selina and Kent—Kent again!? Ruthless pragmatism, Selina, LIKE WHERE YOU’RE HEAD’S AT, BUDDY—Selina and Kent are planning to visit Clovis, which is totally not a mashup of Facebook and Google, not at all. Later, Sue reminds Selina that she’ll be visiting Yahoo!
While you’re there, do not use Google as a verb. They Yahoo! things there.
But Kent and Selina are focused on the potential fallout from the mother in the rope line, and deep in his subarctic fastness, Governor Danny Chung calls a presser and he is wondering if you can really trust Selina Meyer, he is just asking. In the Veep’s office, Dan is pissed.
I gotta take this fucker out. I have to succeed where the Republican Guard failed.
Dan has his worker-bee pants on, as his character continues to move away from the unlikeable snake in the grass he used to be. He is furiously working on damage control when oh snap it’s Jonah and he’s got a viral video, y’all!
Ryantology’s videos continue their weird visual style, but go with it, it’s going to be like this the rest of the way. Because this newest Jonah video has gone viral, Jonah calls the frazzled Dan to brag, but Ben steps in, gets Jonah off the phone, and invites Dan out for a drink.
At the bar with Ben, Dan makes it clear that he wants the campaign manager job so bad you guys, and Ben asks him how low he’s willing to go. A flame within Dan that had been dead sprang back to life, and he listened as Ben gave him a dirty, juicy, and completely unfounded rumor dirtying up Gov. Chung’s combat in Iraq.
Will Dan Swiftboat decorated war hero Danny Chung? HELL AND YES HE WILL, and he knows just the blogger to leak to. Dan makes his way to some backroom poker game that he always goes to, and Jonah’s there, and eventually Dan intentionally loses a hand to Jonah so Jonah will bite on the Chung torture story.
Back in the hotel, Amy informs Dan that she is “balls deep in this omelette,” and ha ha ha, WE LOVE YOU AMY, MARRY US PLZ. The Veep’s team is getting ready to head to Clovis, where they will meet a bajillionaire who is totally not Mark Zuckerberg, and his robotic CFO who is totally not a mashup of Marissa Meyer and Sheryl Sandberg.
Clovis is the kind of office that insists that it’s a campus, and its CEO Craig is the kind of guy who insists that his name is pronounced “Cray-g,” not “Cregg.” Selina cannot get this guy’s name right, but that’s not important yet because Cray-g is making Selina wait, so they all just look around the stupid playpen-cum-office for a little while until Cray-g appears.
Cray-g is wearing a hoodie and a thousand-yard stare, and he is so creepy and perfect. He is eager to show Selina the new Clovis Smarch, a smart watch that lets users swap Clovis profiles when they shake hands, aaaaaaaah this is perfect.
The Smarch learns quickly. It’s like it has an Asian mother.
He is shaking her hand like Data in Star Trek: the Next Generation when he’s trying to learn hyoo-mahn protocols, and this scene is kind of why we watch this show.
In the seekrit Ryantology chatcave, Jonah double-clutches and then puts his new video online. It tiptoes up to the edge of calling Chung a torturer, but Jonah’s pretty sure that the facts will eventually emerge and back him up, right? Jonah is doing his damnedest to capitalize on the success of his first video and a HOTLINK in Politico’s PLAYBOOK, or however PLAYBOOK does its type styles, whatever, we do not read PLAYBOOK, we prefer to get our defense contractor advertisements through the Sunday morning talk shows.
Back at Clovis, Selina and Cray-g are actually getting down to rill bizness, when Jonah’s viral video appears on the company’s front page. Cray-g tells his CFO to just buy Jonah’s website, Jonah is a well-connected D.C. insider, we should give him a few million dollars now please, and Jonah gets the good news and feels the ragey adrenaline rush of triumph that drew him to politics in the first place.
Fuck you, Kent Davison!, Fuck you, Mrs. Gravestock from the third grade! Fuck you, Stepdad 1 and Stepdad 3! I gotta sit down. I think I just had a moneygasm.
Gary throws out his shoulder by throwing a ping pong ball at some Clovis employees, and CFO lady takes Amy aside and says she wants to hire her. Selina goes to the bathroom, where she encounters a Japanese space toilet and cannot figure out how to make boom-boom.
At the Clovis town hall, Selina gives a Smarch demonstration, and she once again mispronounces Cray-g’s name. Selina tells Smarch to show her the Clovis homepage, and there’s Jonah’s video about Governor Chung…and Selina needs to address this. Selina mentions “Danny Chung” and “torture” together a bajillion times, and we watch as the word cloud on the story responds accordingly.
Dan takes credit for the Chung story, and Amy turns down the Clovis job, confident that Selina is going to name her campaign manager. Then Selina shows up and tells Amy that she needs to deal with the boom-boom Selina has left in the space toilet. Oh, and it turns out Clovis isn’t going to buy Ryantology, and Jonah is once again just another broke blogger. Just like us!
Catch up in the archives