Jul 30, 2017
Sportsball Time! USA v Ghana Twitter Recap
The World Cup is happening, which means that for the next few weeks, we’ll get to see some of the planet’s finest athletes making some unbelievably graceful and athletic dives. Tens of millions of hearts will leap into tens of millions of throats as household names like Lazaros “The Builder” Christodoulopoulos, Bastian “Sebastian” Schweinsteiger, and Fred “Fred” (no last name, because Brazil) score goals without even using their hands!
It is a pretty big thing, as sports things go, and last night, the United States’ Men’s National Team played its first World Cup match of the year (soccer games are called “matches” for no good reason). We did not watch lots of the game, but we will recap it at you now with the help of Twitter, so you can feel connected to a quadrennial global event in which everyone just dives constantly. We will not, however, be hating on soccer like some people, even though we sort of hate soccer.
Okay! So the Americans were better at kicking the soccer ball last night than their opponents, Ghana, who is apparently pretty good? Good for you, Ghana! Also, you have an awesome team nickname, “the Black Stars,” how can the U.S. Americans get one of those? As far as we can tell, everyone just calls us “the Yanks,” which we think is maybe a dick joke.
“The Yanks” are also sometimes called the #USMNT.
You guys all keep saying #USMNT, and I will keep reading it United States of Mutant Ninja Turtles
— Casey Johnston (@caseyjohnston) June 16, 2014
Judah Friedlander had some important pre-game thoughts to share, and Bamz made a Vine!
U-S-A! U-S-A! Barack Obama has always been a tremendous fan of sport. On to the game! Usually, soccer makes you sit around forever until someone scores a goal, because they don’t let you use your hands or your arms at all (really!), so you have to take this stupid bouncy ball and actually kick it or otherwise nudge it into a box where there’s already a man standing. Even worse and also for no reason, the man in the box gets to use his hands, which sound pretty unfair to us, soccer. Anyway, this game was different because we only had to wait, like, literally (actually literally!) 30 seconds until someone scored, and hooray it was an American playing for America!
And Twitter went buh-nanas.
DEMPSEY HAVE MY BABIES
— Eat Sleep Soccer (@soccer_eatsleep) June 16, 2014
DEMPSEY IS AS AMERICAN AS BALD EAGLES AND HIGH CHOLESTEROL!!! LETS GO!!!
— A.J. Francis (@AJFrancis410) June 16, 2014
You’ve got to love Clint Dempsey unless you’re a horrible useless despicable human being
— eldeniro (@eldeniro90) June 16, 2014
Clint Dempsey is bloody intense. He looks like he’s seen things. Things that change a man. #BrazilNuts
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) June 16, 2014
Yes, everything was soccer-ing right along for the U.S. American SoccerRoos, UNTIL DISASTER STRUCK. One of our brave soccer heroes was about to become a wounded warrior. American striker (that’s the cool name forwards get in soccer) Josmer Volmy “Jozy” Altidore went down with what appeared to be an injured hamstring. Garments were rent, teeth were gnashed.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Altidore down. pic.twitter.com/1tKUUrRDE1
— Mikey (@fsmikey) June 16, 2014
They’re carrying off Jozy Altidore like he’s dead #USAvsGhana
— Tom Tebow (@IamEvilTebow) June 16, 2014
Altidore is down. I repeat, Altidore is down pic.twitter.com/PPWak8iIaN
— World Cup 2014 (@WorIdCupp) June 16, 2014
Presumably, Ghana was pleased.
When Altidore got hurt ALL of Ghana was like https://t.co/HsDhE9QnUE
— Elijah Mikaelson (@College_Boy101) June 16, 2014
And then, oh noez! (GET IT?), there was another American player who deserved a goddamn Purple Heart for getting a soccer boo-boo, and it was Clint Dempsey, the same Clint Dempsey from the goal scoring we mentioned earlier. A stray soccer kick hit Clint in the face, and the blood, oh the blood.
Clint Dempsey: NOBODY MAKES ME BLEED MY OWN BLOOD! NOBODY! pic.twitter.com/EEg63kdJbQ
— White Goodman (@White_Goodman_) June 16, 2014
— ANDREW W.K. (@AndrewWK) June 17, 2014
You guys, Clint Dempsey’s nose doesn’t look so good. pic.twitter.com/XLQJDK1c1S
— KorkedBats.com (@korkedbats) June 16, 2014
— SB Nation (@SBNation) June 17, 2014
Then there was about a billion minutes of boring in which nothing happened. Players kicked and headed and dived with all they had, but to no avail. The announcers had to fill this barren wasteland with commentary, and so they did with their pinched, nasal accents. “CRACKING FOOTIE,” as they say in Jolly Olde Englande or whatever. “SUCH SKILL” was uttered a couple times, probably, because that’s something you hear in every soccer game along with “WHAT CLASS,” and “CAN THEY BREAK THROUGH?” and other odd, bangers-and-mash-scented murmurings. This game was a big deal in Ghana.
— The Climate Group (@ClimateGroup) June 17, 2014
And so you can imagine there were quite a few more pro-U.S. tweets than there were Ghanaian tweets throughout the game.
And then Ghana scored, and there was some celebration and questionable phrasing.
You knew that was coming. Ghana had been abusing the US in the back far too much not to get a goal
— Nancy Armour (@nrarmour) June 16, 2014
7:42: Turn on TV 7:43: Ghana scores equalizer goal 7:44: For the good of #USMNT, switches TV back off.
— Greg Greene (@ggreeneva) June 16, 2014
Yes, we seemed to be headed for another low-scoring tie, which is apparently what soccer fans think fun looks like. And then America went and ruined everything.
— U.S. Soccer (@ussoccer) June 16, 2014
— Sporting News (@sportingnews) June 16, 2014
If you just happened to be within 100 miles of downtown Auburn, youda thought Chris Davis just ran three kicks back. #USMNT
— WarBlogle.com (@WarBlogle) June 16, 2014
Shut the fuck up, Auburn fans, college football is the only sport we like less than soccer and golf. And then the Americans won and we did what we do best: we reveled in our victory over a country with a much smaller population than us, and we did so with a mixture of racism, Twisted Sister references, and terrible puns.
“Take that Ghana!” Billy yells from the other room. “You’ve had it too good for too long!”
— Susie ?(??)? Cagle (@susie_c) June 16, 2014
Ghana fans haven’t been this let down UNICEF stopped delivering free food
— Tom Tebow (@IamEvilTebow) June 16, 2014
U.S. soccer team is doing more damage to Ghana than any lack of clean drinking water.
— Pierre The Pelican (@PelicanPierre) June 16, 2014
We’re not Ghana take it! NO! We ain’t Ghana take it! We’re not Ghana take it anymore #usa
— Bob Fescoe (@bobfescoe) June 16, 2014
Sorry, but this comeback is NOT GHANA HAPPEN!
— ShadowBeatzInc (@ShadowBeatz_Inc) June 16, 2014
And they say soccer isn’t fun!
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