We’ve all been there… that moment in time where everything seems to be going our way. All the stars are aligned. The mood is just right. Our hair looks perfect.  We’re wearing that really cute outfit that makes our butt look surprisingly pint-sized…

The porn music starts playing in our heads. (Don’t lie. You know you do it too.)

We’re thinking, “This is really happening!”

And then…

It just… doesn’t.

This was the painful phenomenon experienced by nearly all of our Fairytale Friends in the Season 4 premiere of Once Upon a Time…

Regina…

Hook…

Belle…

Kristoff…

Sydney…

It was an hour of television filled with lots of balls…

Most of them blue…

Let’s review, shall we?

“I’ll never let you go, Jack. I’ll never let you go.”

This looks familiar. We start the episode with a storm at sea. Two very wet lovers cling to one another as their ship begins taking on water. The female, a saucy red head, quickly slips a note into a bottle. “Anna and Elsa must know the truth,” she shouts, as she hugs her soul mate for what may very well be the last time.

Then, we see her sitting on an abandoned piece of ship debris, and rather than simply move over and let her lover climb aboard to survive with her, she drops his hand and allows him to fall to an icy watery early grave…

“You killed, Leonardo DiCaprio! You selfish b*tch …”

Oops… wrong cinematic water tragedy. My bad.

Though at first glance, you might mistake the first scene of Once Upon a Time as the straight-to video version of Titanic 2: We still haven’t learned how to steer around friggin icebergs…

These are actually the ill-fated parents of Anna and Elsa, best known as the sisters from Frozen…

Poor parents from fairytales. Life never seems to end well for them. Just ask Bambi’s mother…

And Simba’s father…

Five years later, we find sisters Elsa and Anna holding hands in front of their parents’ gravestones, which, inappropriately enough, resemble two massive icebergs…

It’s the eve of Anna’s wedding day. She’s marrying Cappie from Greek, er, I mean Kristoff, the adorable mountain man who was raised by trolls.

Now, some women might see this as a deal breaker. But I personally think it’s awesome. Think about it. How many people do you know who could rub their in-laws bellies for good luck?

Elsa informs Anna that she has a very special wedding gift for her. Anna is appreciative but understandably skeptical. After all, Elsa’s last gift to Anna involved her being turned into a life-sized popsicle, which is great if you enjoy being licked, but lousy if you enjoy… basically doing anything else.

Meanwhile, in present day Storybrooke…

Robin Hood – Prince of Babes

When we last left Erstwhile Evil Queen Regina, she was uber pissed at Emma for traveling across time and unwittingly orchestrating the most massive cockblock ever…

Don’t you just hate it when you murder the wife of your soul mate in the past, and someone goes and brings them back to life in the future, thus assuring that you will probably not get laid again for all eternity?

I feel for you, Regina. It totally chaps my ass too.

Now, Robin Hood may be an expert marksman. And he’s, for sure, a pimp daddy. (In the original Disney movie, the guy was played by an honest-to-goodness Fox! How’s that for subtext?)

That said, he may be a few arrows short of a full quiver, if you catch my drift.

You know what you DON’T do, after having been reunited with your presumed dead wife? Casually introduce her to her would-be killer, who just so happens to be the woman you’re currently boning…

You stay classy, Robin Hood! I’m sure there’s a guest spot on the Jerry Springer Show with your name right on it…

Later, the self-proclaimed Prince of Thieves adds fuel to the fire, by popping over to Regina’s house stealing her best China and giving it to the Seven Dwarfs. He sits next to her, so close that their knees are touching. He looks deeply into her eyes, while he seductively holds her hands in his. He gets her all the way to the point where she’s basically seconds away from opening her legs and letting his arrow hit her bullseye…

… and proceeds to give her the “It’s not you, Evil Queen… It’s me” speech…

… which, in case you are wondering, isn’t any less hurtful when spoken with a sexy accent or old-timey English.

If Regina was to crush Robin Hood’s heart right now, it would be considered justifiable homicide in some states. (Texas for sure. California maybe. Not sure about Maine, though…)

But this isn’t your mother’s Evil Queen. This is Season 4 Regina… the new improved Regina. And this Regina doesn’t get mad or crush hearts. She calls for reinforcements…

Speaking of calling for reinforcements…

Hell Hath No Fury Like an Ice Queen Scorned…

Having been accidentally portaled into a strange land by Emma, and feeling very alone, not to mention massively overdressed…

Elsa attempts to hitchhike to a safer place. She sticks out her thumb, spies Grumpy and Sleepy behind the wheel, and hopes for the best…

It doesn’t go quite as she intended.

Freezing dwarves doesn’t exactly make you popular in Storybrooke. And It isn’t long before Elsa finds herself hunted. Fortunately, she has a friend she can always count on when the goings get tough…

Look! It’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from the Ghostbuster Movies!

He got old looking… possibly from doing too much cocaine in the 80s!

Don’t worry Stay Puft! This is nothing a little Botox and a really sharp ice pick can’t fix…

Back in Flashback Land, we learn that Elsa was planning to gift Anna their mother’s wedding dress, which was noticeably not white. But we don’t judge…

During the fitting, Elsa finds her mother’s diary, which basically intimates that her parents took their ill-fated Titanic cruise to get away from HER! Ouch! This gives Elsa both a major case of the sads and what appears to be a really bad Dandruff problem?

So, Anna, being the selfless, and only slightly nauseatingly adorable, sister, vows to make it her mission to find out the real reason for her parents’ sudden departure. She starts by asking her soon to be dad-in-law (but never rubs his belly, WHY????!!!!!). He basically tells her that Anna’s and Elsa’s parents were headed for… you guessed it… the Enchanted Forest.

Anna decides to go on this clearly dangerous and totally random trip, despite the fact that she’s due to be married in just a few hours, which I’m sure her fiancé is just thrilled about…

Speaking of weddings, back in Storybrooke, Elsa finds a newspaper article featuring Rumpelstiltskin and Belle celebrating their recent nuptials. Pictured in the article is a necklace Elsa gave Anna to wear at her wedding. So, the Ice Queen heads to Mr. Gold’s shop to find it, while Good Ole Stay Puft continues to do her dirty work around town…

(She’s such a slave driver. I hope he at least gets good dental benefits. Eating fairytale characters can give you major cavities!)

Elsewhere in town, Regina has gone and broken Sidney Glass, a.k.a. her trusty Mirror, out of the psych ward so that he can do for her what he does best… wear blue face makeup and imitate the voice of James Earl Jones…

Regina’s plan? To find out who wrote the infamous book of Fairytales (SPOILER ALERT… I think it’s Hans Christian Anderson) and blackmail him or her into giving this sassy stylish villain the Robin Hood-Humping Happy Ending she so richly deserves…

This S’Mores for You…

So, tell me Once-ians, what’s your idea of a perfect first date? Perhaps, it involves a nice dinner… some wine… a good movie… maybe some music and dancing…

How about being chased around a forest by a giant angry marshmallow…

… or as new lovebirds Emma and Hook like to refer to it… foreplay?

Poor Captain Hook. It seems that ever since their fateful season finale liplock, Emma’s been giving him a big ole cold shoulder.

With her friends and lover in danger, Emma boldly attempts to use her randomly appearing and disappearing, heretofore virtually unexplained Amazing “Savior Power” to disarm Frosty the Meathead…

But… this only succeeds in pissing him off more.

Uh-oh! It looks like Stay Puft is going to make a S’more out of Maid Marian. (He must be an Outlaw Queen Shipper.)

But then, at the very last minute, Robin Hood’s wife is rescued by… Regina?

Now, I’m confused… and oddly hungry for S’mores…

Elsewhere in town, completely oblivious to all this Marshmallowy Goodness…

The Belle of the Ball Buster

Screw all the actual plotlines in this episode! It’s time for Belle’s and Rumpelstiltskin’s honeymoon! This should be epic!

I mean, one of the perks of being married to the former Dark One is that you have pretty much unlimited frequent flyer miles. You can go anywhere: Tahiti, Bermuda, Las Vegas… that island where the plane crashed on Lost…

Or… you could just break into to some random house a block away that’s possibly owned by an Evil Sorcerer and/or Mickey Mouse…

Though their choice of vacation spots may leave a bit to be desired, Belle and Rumpel are a bit more traditional than Hook and Emma when it comes to their idea of a good date. Ballroom dancing anyone?

But then, just when it seems like things are FINALLY going to get really R-rated for everyone’s favorite bookworm… it is girlfriend’s wedding night, after all…

… Rumpel decides that he’d rather stay downstairs, stroke his sword a few times, and try on some really ornate dunce caps.

Better luck next Honeymoon, Belle…

See you next week, Onceians!

Did you catch all the fun callbacks to the movie in the premiere episode? 

Check out more fun callbacks here.

Want more Once? Here’s the Once Upon a Time Season 1 Retrospective: How Snow White Got Her Groove Back

Then try the Once Upon a Time Season 2 Retrospective: Mommy Issues & Lesser Villains 

And of course the Once Upon a Time Season 3 Retrospective: Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife 

For more Julie Kushner, check out TV Recappers Anonymous or buy one of her five novels!