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Union Thugs Get Greasy Hands On College Sportsball

Coming to a college stadium near you!
The National Labor Relations Board handed down a 24-page decision saying Northwestern University sportsball players are employees of the university and may form a union. Quarterback Kain Colter has been the face of the pro-unionization campaign. It’s no surprise this happened in Chicago, one of the last bastions of organized labor activity with balls.

Let’s dash any hopes of a fancy lawsplanation right away. That is the forte of Supreme Happy Nice Time Person Lawyerin’ Lisa. We are more into knee-jerk reactions to headlines and speculation based on free association tromps through terrible prejudicial caricatures that help us cope with the world (plus a dick joke, maybe).

What kind of absurd nonsense will this lead to? Well, that depends on the fiction/lore upon which you base your prejudices:

  • Several football scholarships are earmarked for mafiosi. Instead of practicing placekicks, they play cards and smoke cigars all day in the locker room and coordinate point-shaving schemes. Tensions arise when a corn-fed recruit from downstate asserts the superiority of bratwurst over hot and sweet Italians.
  • Rahm Emanuel puts pressure on the team to “play longer games,” curses at team shop steward, and refuses to grant NU any special events permits until his demands are met. (We know Northwestern is not within the city limits of Chicago; SHUT UP.)
  • The team could strike, demanding “hotter tutors.” (US Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-Slippery Slope) imagines similar hypotheticals)
  • Productivity goes way down; college athletics outsourced. (I hope you like collegiate badminton.)
  • Profitability goes way down; players locked out. Keanu Reeves leads ragtag bunch of scabs with one year of NCAA eligibility to the Rose Bowl.
  • Si, se puede . . . ganar el campeonato del Big 10.
  • Some players get deep into the labor movement and deeper into the Woody Guthrie catalog.  They learn valuable lessons about sleeping around with loose women and dream of playing in the Dust Bowl.
  • Coach squanders opportunity to advance in March Madness tournament by giving shittier athletes playing time. His excuse: “Hey, they were the next ones on the bench.”

Of course, none of those silly things are going to happen. At the same time, scholarship athletes appear to be a quite privileged, so why don’t they just take their educational opportunity and special treatment and be quiet already? What has driven Kain Colter into this weird commie shit? Maybe it’s that the NCAA and its member institutions can straight up fuck you if you get hurt, and no student athletes were consulted in the crafting of that bullshit rule. Yup, Colter says, that’s it. The university is appealing the decision, and the NCAA will certainly support the appeal, for as it is written in the Higher Education Act of 1965, once your knee is busted, you are no longer deserving of educational opportunity.
[WaPo/The Atlantic/ESPN]

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  • willi0000000

    of course, there is a downside. if you are an employee then your tuition, meals, room, etc. become taxable income and the folks won’t be able to deduct you as a dependent because you are probably making more than them.on the other (or, gripping) hand, you can collectively bargain for longer terms on your contracts so you continue to get the benefit after you blow out your knee “for the team.” and maybe a cash slice of the gate and TV munniez.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Just to mention the whole iron grip NCAA has on every player/coach/alumnus organization’s nutsack. A little collective bargaining might help that situation.

  • AnOuthouse

    The only thing good about the Rose Bowl is the parade.

  • msanthropesmr

    I heard some radio turd discussing this last night, agog that the players might be able to “gasp” strike if they didn’t like the conditions that they were under. “Imagine,” he said, “players could just stop playing. How is that reasonable? How could they just do that?”As I often do, I was screaming at the radio – you dumb fuck – why the hell should they keep playing if they are seeing minimum benefit to their relationship with the school? They get a number one screwed, unless everything goes great with their career and health. What is unreasonable about people refusing to play sportsball if they don’t get recompense? The horror!Of course, this dumb fuck attributed this horrifying new development to…you guessed it…OBAMA!!!1111ponieszz.