Jun 17, 2014
Unfertility Treatments For Gals Who Can’t Afford The Pill
None of the items on the following list work very well, and should not be substituted for the Pill (or other methods of contraception). [Ed. note: seriously, none of this will fucking work. So if you are some random teen Googling for birth control advice, just know that this article is completely silly and not real. Okay? Use condoms always. Stay in school.] Perhaps you work for Hobby Lobby and you’re in a bind? I’ll do what I can to help. I even consulted the owner of a conjure shop in Kansas City for advice.
How to become un-fertile, Myrtle:
1. Eat low-fat dairy products. Basically, pop open a tub of “lite” sour cream. Peel open some plastic envelopes of American cheese. Mow these down with some fat-free milk and you are on your way to unfertility (if not gastric distress). According to a Harvard–affiliated study, low-fat dairy comes up behind your ovulation process and yells, “Sike, HAHAHAA!” Totally throws everything out of whack.
2. Get drunk. It reduces your chance of conceiving, although no one is really sure why. It does not negate your chance of conceiving, and DAH!, but it does slightly impact the big picture – even more so if you are an alcoholic. If you are drunk now, stay there.
3. Take a coffee rocket to Planet Caffeine. Research groups at Yale confirmed that consuming 300 milligrams of caffeine per day reduces fertility. Maybe you can try tag-teaming this with getting drunk. You will have skank mouth and be dehydrated, and while this will impact your ability to find a sexual partner, at least you know you tried.
3. Gorge on soybeans. Edamame is almost Japanese for not the mommy. Soy inhibits fertility. If you eat tofu with soy milk, and use an inari pocket as a cervical dam, maybe you won’t have a baby.
5. Take up smoking. It takes longer for smokers to conceive. Smoke ’em if you got ’em, which shouldn’t be a problem if you’re worried sick about being knocked up. Cigarettes were indicated as a problem in my research, but the science is still out on e-cigs. Those will probably be bad for you, too.
Finally, spice up your unfertility regimen with some good old-fashioned hoodoo. I spoke with Vodou Mambo, Julie Valdivia, who owns the KC Conjure Shop in Kansas City. Mambo Julie, who is as much of a sweetheart and a firecracker as her title would suggest, was ever so kind to entertain my unfertility questions. Hobby Lobby-ists at Barry Road or Prospect Avenue in Missouri should take note.
Under normal circumstances, Mambo Julie assists with fertility spells. However, she is eager to help women by providing alternative contraception methods. She has experience with casting spells that block things. She also has gender candles – penis and vagina candles – in stock, and inspired petitions for spirits that might keep your baby ovens from pre-heating. If you need someone to be excited about helping when your own SCOTUS can’t be bothered, at a reasonable price, call Julie.
Finally, for the retail craft-store worker who needs birth control pills to manage painful and debilitating fibroid tumors, now is a great time to consider a transfer to a store in California. The medical marijuana program in this state will help you manage your pain. They cannot shrink your tumors, but you will suffer less.
Good luck with your unfertility. Let me know if nothing happens!