Aug 21, 2017
U.F.Oh No He Didn’t!
On July 4, 1996, fictional President Bill Pullman—with the help of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and a bunch of other people who were mildly famous back in the 90s—triumphantly declared the world’s independence against an army of slimy green men who blew up the White House, made a lot of prank phone calls to Jeff Goldblum, and had their sights set on world domination.
Such was the plot of the very long (not to mention very expensive, because pretending to blow up the White House ain’t cheap) Hollywood blockbuster Independence Day.
Now, nearly twenty years later, real life President Obama is faced with an issue of similar magnitude: How to make harmless jokes about aliens with Jimmy Kimmel without alerting the wacky conspiracy theorists that E.T. is currently trying to phone home from deep inside their crazy asses via a ridiculously large, and intensely uncomfortable, anal probe. (Thus giving entirely new meaning to the term “butt call.”)
While traversing the talk show circuit earlier this year, President Obama visited The Jimmy Kimmel Show to engage in a deep and probing (no pun intended) interview about the most controversial question plaguing the minds of . . . (1) a very small segment of the population who reside inside a crop circle and religiously read The National Enquirer, (2) boys under the age of ten who still think girls have cooties, and (3) this guy, Ben Hansen . . .
ARE ALIENS COMING TO TAKE OVER OUR PLANET?
According to former UFO TV show host Ben Hansen, President Obama’s dry jokes in response to Kimmel’s inquiries ABSOLUTELY confirm the existence of aliens and don’t at all confirm that the Commander-in-Chief of the most powerful armed forces in the free world is annoyed that he has to spend his final two years in office pontificating as to whether Stitch from Lilo & Stitch should be able to enjoy the rights of an American citizen because he’s adorable . . . or be sent unceremoniously back to the asteroid from whence he came because he’s blue and has big ears.
Then again, it makes sense that President Obama would be a bit uneasy about unwittingly tipping off the masses to The Truth . . . which “is out there” about aliens living among us. (We know it is, in fact, out there, because Scully and Mulder say so. And Scully and Mulder are the bomb diggity.) Imagine how freaked out the public would be if they learned that real live aliens . . . ran for public office . . .
. . . starred on once-popular, but now disgraced television programs . . .
. . . sat on the Supreme Court . . .
. . . hosted popular talk shows . . .
. . . and were Arnold Schwartzenegger . . .
It would be TOTAL ANARCHY! There would be rioting in the streets! Looting in stores! People would get drunk and fall in a gaping hole that randomly opened up in the Earth. Jonah Hill would get possessed by the devil. Seth Rogen would be turned into an angel and hang out in Heaven with the Backstreet Boys . . .
Oh . . . wait . . . I just recited the plot of This is the End . . . nevermind.
Long story short, Ben Hansen should give poor President Obama a break. Because, if aliens really do in fact exist, live in the United States, vaguely resemble John Travolta . . .
. . . and want to blow our bodies to smithereens and use the explosions to heat their swimming pools, we don’t really want to know. Do we? Because when it comes to the Alien Apocalypse, ignorance is most definitely bliss.
So, Ben Hansen should really stop putting his nose in President Obama’s business where it doesn’t belong and start focusing on more important things . . . like who Kaitlyn will choose on The Bachelorette, whether Kim Kardashian’s baby will inherit her voluptuous backside, and whether the housemates will ever figure out the Twin Twist on Big Brother . . .
Then again, not too long after Obama’s “Mea Culpa, aliens, please don’t murder us” plea on the Jimmy Kimmel show, it was announced that they are actually producing a sequel to Independence Day . . . the alien movie to top all alien movies . . . (except for Alien 1, 2, and 3 . . . and E.T. . . . and Close Encounters of the Third Kind . . . and District 9).
. . . OK, the alien movie to top some alien movies.
Coincidence? I think not.
Nanu, nanu, Dear Readers! And don’t forget to check your butts for alien probes!