VIDEO: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (2011)

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It’s finally here! Sofie has reached… half of the last chapter of Twilight! It’s The Twilight Saga: Breaking Down Dawn: Part 1!

Together with the Porn Critic, she witnesses such exciting things as… a marriage! And a pregnancy! And pedophilia! Oh, Twilight, what will you come up with next?

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Tag: Twilight

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  • StevePotter

    Brilliant idea to have the Porn Critic review this with you!

    • Sofie Liv

       Thanks, I thought so to, just imagine people reaction when I went like this on the booth.

      “You guys I have an idea! It’s a brilliant idea! have the porn critic review Twilight with me!”

      You have so many ideas Sofie… “I know! :D”

      • StevePotter

        The Booth sounds like a fun place to work.

  • I think I’ll give this one a miss. I don’t want to end up naked, outside of my house at 1 am arguing with lampposts. If anything Sofie, you were restrained compared to a lot of people’s reactions like Doug Walker nearly being driven to angry tears and Spoony being driven to heavy drinking.

    Necrophilia, bestiality and now paedophilia (Yes it’s spelled with an ‘a’, no Americanisation here!), what form of sexual deviance will Stephanie Meyer glorify next?

    Half-way there Sofie, keep it up. You’ve made it through Transformers and Zardoz, just hang in there. If you can’t, who knows? Maybe you’ll be able to share a padded cell with Josh. :)

    • FullofQuestions1

      You guys also pronounce “paedophile” differently from us, which is the subject of my second favorite joke in IT Crowd.

      • Sofie Liv

         See why I get so confused so often!?

        I spell some-thing one way, or say it one way, and some-body goes. “You are saying it wrong!” and then it turns out, I did say it correctly I just said it the british way instead of the America way, or the other way around, god dammit, I pick up new words from what-ever movie I watches, and they are very fifty fifty from either US or UK, my languet is mixed up so badly D:

    • Sofie Liv

      It’s impressive that it’s a movie that managed to make Doug Walker that genuinly angry, he is usually so favourable to all movies, also bad ones.

       Come to think of it… Josh must be pretty weak of mind to end up in there after only one video on the booth! granted, that was about Batman and Robin, which may was what made people come and collect him but still.. he should have known, it’s all about not getting caught.

  • Kids today!

    This is good!

  • I’m a little danish girl. Best quote ever!!!

  • Dennis Fischer

    Yep, this movie is just as terrible as you describe, and Bella never develops herself as a character or a person, but remains in love with a distancing, emotionally abusive boyfriend.  She is the prize for Edward to win, and serves no other purpose–she never seeks a career or to develop herself or explore any other interest.  Clearly, these stories were not designed to turn women on–in fact, the entire undercurrent equates sex and vampirism–Bella despite her urges must wait until marriage before coming a vampire and achieving her desire.  However, clearly there are strong emotional issues meant to be evoked. For example, she’s turned on at the idea that her boyfriend finds her the most addicting thing ever. She’s happy to have a boyfriend who is not only dead, but has superpowers, including superstrength. He’s a trophy boyfriend, clearly, because he never evinces very much in the way of an expression or a personality.  I’m surprised neither you nor the Porn Critic speculated about how the marriage bed becomes as broken as it does during the elipsed sex scene during which Bella loses her virginity (and yes, it’s pretty clear that Bella is meant to have been a virgin bride–hence all the anxiety about blood in the opening scene).

    Too bad those women needing a vampire fix couldn’t just get it from Josh Wheeden’s BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, with its proactive heroine who can kick ass, take names, be a savior to the world and still have relationships with friends, mentors, and lovers.  She’d be a far better role model to obsess over.

    Say Sofia, that looks like a Keno Don Rosa Duck poster behind you.  You a big Don Rosa fan as well? I loved what he did with Carl Barks’ takes on Disney’s duck characters.

    • Sofie Liv

       Well, the idea that it’s all about the fantasy of being Bella, this person whom is so special that every-body just adores her and loves her, is the thing that made the dumb book sell as good as it did, what the thought that made kept me sane reviewing these movies.

      But this very movie fails even at that level!

      I don’t mind a main character making a mistake or doing some-thing stupid… AS LONG AS THEY ARE CALLED OUT ON IT AND LEARN FROM IT!

      Never.. never have I seen such a spoiled brat, not even in fiction, and well Maybe Draco Malfoy was the cliche of all spoiled brats but at least that was what he was presented as without ever pretending from the start AND he even gets called out for it later when he gets in over his head and he develops.
      She just gets what she points. “Uh, pretty vampire me want.” well here you go Bella.
      “Nice six pack werewolf!” Well of cause! and now you have to pick.. but not really, they’ll both love you for ever and ever and neither of them will ever be able to get over because, hah! you are so special you, are just only going to have sex with one of them.. the other is totally going to stick around for that cause he loves you so much.. no hard decisions made, no sacrifices.. no growth.. my ass.

      Of cause Buffy is way better role model, Joss Whedon is a clever writer. You know whom is an absolutely brilliant role-model? The original Mina Harker from the original Bram Stokers Dracula novel.
      Not only were she the one to defeat Dracula… with a type writer! she was also kind, sweet, loyal, brave and did stuff to help, even if she was pretty much labelled. “Defenceless woman and damsel in distress.” she still did what she could, and without her type writer they would never have defeated Dracula, so booya for Mina Harker!

      And yes, that is a Don Rosa Poster. “The Life and times of Scrooge McDuck.” is my favourite comic book of all time, to me it’s just beautiful. funny and wonderfully heart warming. And yes, feel free to find it funny that my favourite comic book is about the worlds greatest kapitalist while I myself am a social liberalist. But well, to speak about flawed characters.. Scrooge McDuck us a very flawed person, naturally, but the big difference is.. we get why he is that way, we sense that deep down he is actually not that bad and cares about the people around him, even if he doesn’t let it on, his actions does speak for themselves, the stories actually calls him out on his flaws and makes fun of them quite often. The story “A letter from home.” is just an absolut beautiful piece that truly calls Scrooge out on his greatest flaws, and he even admits to them, admit he is ashamed of some of the thing he has done, but ultimately let him and his sister reconcile with this facts and take them for what they are, part of his nature and personality.
      Yeah, the world greatest kapitalist is absolutely one of my heroes.

  • MichaelANovelli

    Awwww, no shout-out for all of my help?  Oooooh, Sofie, you’re gonna get some noogies later!  ;-)

    • FullofQuestions1

      You can’t hurt girls, Mike!

      • MichaelANovelli

        Says who?

        • Sofie Liv

          FullofQuestions.. well, they can. But then they have warranted you can attack back using every single trick in the book.

          Such as nails, knees, peber-spray, use your cuteness to make them feel guilty, verbally strip them and deconstruct them.

          Such a thing as a noogie though calls for tactical response 301.

          Make big eyes while shouting up. “It’s not fair, I can’t get out of this one.” in a public area while the noodgie is being made, there-by raising the passerbys awareness and make them feel sorry for you.
          Thus you win them over to your side, and as you have collected an army big enough you return the noodgie with the help from your army, turned up to three.

          Then as he’s really annoyed, and is about to attack you with a squirt gun or some-thing like that, you look at him with your adorable eyes and say. “It was all meant in good chest.”
          Then you scratch his tummy and he’ll buy you a piece of chocolate cake.

          See, no need for violence at all.

          • MichaelANovelli

            Or, I might start thinking, “Maybe I could trade this big piece of chocolate cake for some extra spaghetti!”  My advice, Questions, is that you shouldn’t start trouble if you can’t back it up.  Remember, a Novelli doesn’t start fights, he finishes them!

          • Sofie Liv

             And Questions, if a guy have you up in a corner, try scratch his tummy. It works surprisingly often.

    • Sofie Liv

       Oh sorry! I was going to credit you I… just forgot.

      I also continuesly forget to put my twitter and the link to my site in the credits -_-;

      I am really not all that good at those credits :/

      • MichaelANovelli

        Well, alright, so long as you meant well…

  • So where exactly did he bite her when the baby was being born?  Are there no vampire doctors they could have had standing by in case they had to do a C-section?  Or maybe I should stop with questions like this before I go mad? 

    This one seems to have upset Sofie even more than Zardoz.  Although I guess with Zardoz at least you don’t have to worry about a sequel. 

    • Sofie Liv

       He bit her in her pussy!

      And they did, Edwards adopted dad is exactly a vampire doctor, and he even said. “Bella is likely to give birth today and there most certainly will be complications.” Don’t ask me why he didn’t have the right equiptment ready or god forbid, made her deliver through a ceasarean section.

      I mean, if he were able to tell. “She is going to give birth today.” then that would be the same as saying. “The baby would be ready to come out now.” isn’t it?

      Well, at least in Zardoz stuff happened, and it was on some weird level deeply fascinated to witness how absurd it could get, also it raised genuine discussions after-wards.
      This… which is supposed to be a girls fantasy romance, earning millions of dollars.. it’s just.. wauw. and yes, having one more movie to go is definetely playing a factor in my annoyance here.

      • I figured the whole pregnancy wouldn’t follow any type of logic.  I guess it just made more sense to them to use their fangs if any complications came up. 

        I hope your next review is a happier one!

      • The_Stig

        Doctor Cullen should have been like “Dude, I HAVE a scalpel in my medical kit!”

        • CDiehl

          Well, he also should have thought “She needs blood, I’m a doctor. Why don’t I give her a transfusion instead of having her swig blood from a styrofoam cup?” I thought that when I heard Spoony describing this scene in his video. Hell, if Dr. Van Helsing could think of giving Lucy a transfusion in Bram Stoker’s Dracula (set when that sort of thing was still new), why can’t a modern doctor think of it?

          • Sofie Liv

             Actually.. looking from a medical stand-point, in that case their cause of action did make more sense.

            It was not Bella whom needed blood, it was the fetus, because the fetus is half vampire.
            A real fetus gets neutricions from what goes into the mothers stomach, if they had transfused blood into Bella, it wouldn’t have become part of the fetus neutricion thus defeating the point, it would just reasume it’s travel around Bellas system.. which can only take that much blood.. putting blood into her veins that she doesn’t need would just make her ill or blow her up as a water balloon.

            In the case of Lucy, blood had been sucked out of her, so she was the one in need of blood, not to feed on, but in the traditional way, this these two instances are compleately different, and to have Bella drink blood so her half vampire baby could get some was a logical cause of action..

            wtf did I just put so much thought into defending some-thing that happened in twilight?

  • FullofQuestions1

    I loved this! The rifftrax do actually significantly improve the movie, but really nothing could make it good.

    I love Porn Critic’s “confused” voice, and the laptop at the beginning actually made a better joke than reading Fifty Shades of Grey would have. Also, nice safe sex PSA; as you said, it took you thirty seconds to give a better message about teen relationships than the entire Twilight saga.

    • The_Stig

      I too loved this review. What sets Sofie’s stuff apart is that she doesn’t just do reviews, she performs them. It really adds a lot to the entertainment.

      • Sofie Liv

         aww, thanks :)

        • The_Stig

          And for some odd reason the musical numbers never get tiring.

          • Sofie Liv

             thanks, all though I have been wanting to, it’s not often I use music in the videos, simply because it takes a long time to in-corporate it into a video.. a very very long time. Unless it’s simply just me sitting with the piano while singing a song that all-ready exists.. then it’s easy, but rather point-less, I am not the one trying to pad things out, on the contriary I am very proud at getting better at keeping the videos down in lenght.

          • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

            I can only speak for myself, but 30 minute videos of the Red Suitcase Adventures doesn’t bother me one single bit…

    • Sofie Liv

      I think the Porn critic sounds like a punctured tire several times in this video… it’s funny though, absurd, but funny.

      Well, if they had sex without condomns and the lady gets pregnant, both participants would be equally guilty.
      It’s easy to say, so it’s weird that schools have such a hard time saying it ever.

  • Delawheredad

    That was a hoot! Thanks to both of you! 
    Stephanie Meyer is one f’d up woman. The messages she sends are so destructive to pre-teen and teenage girls.They were written by a very sheltered Mormon with a sex phobia and it shows.  Stephanie Meyer may have five children but she clearly hates sex and that part of her life entirely yet her weird “romance” novels are being the ones turned into movies.If anything the movies  too closely follow the novels. The novels are plotless meanderings about infatuation being the bases of all of your relationships no wonder there is nothing left aside from musical montages to fill up screen time. The main character is a faceless general cypher; not a real woman.  

    • Sofie Liv

       I…. got nothing to add.

  • John Wilson

    Next fifty shade xxx?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vQ9f_h8gE0.
    Or the real movie?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdjq3oyJnpw Which looks a a lot better then it needs to be

    • The_Stig

      Nah, it’s more like 9 1/2 Weak.

      • John Wilson

        What?

  • Believe it or not, this is actually my favorite Twilight movie thus far, just because it is the funniest &, I think, most self aware. It is disappointing they didn’t go for an R-rating so you could actually see some other sick-disgusting stuff that’s implied, but Bill Condon clearly recognized how bat-shit insane this series, this book especially, was, and there are moments he seems to be making fun at the materials expense. The dreams sequence, the weird horror movie music sting that accompanies Bella becoming a vampire in the final moments, bits like that. The scene in which the fetus kicks Bella’s spine out was simultaneously hilarious and fist-pumpingly awesome, assuming you’re like me as believe Bella is an outright evil person. I literally could not contain myself at the theater when that happened. I feel a little guilty actually, there I was up front, cackling like a hyena when all the girls there where just trying to enjoy the movie. A few of them were actually yelling at me to shut up towards the end. So yeah, I’m a bit of a jackass, but hey, it’s Twilight. You either laugh or weep, there are no other sane reactions.

    BTW Sofie, you have a lovely singing voice. :)

    • Sofie Liv

       Well, looking at a sheer narrative perspective.. it’s the worst one.
      There’s no structure, no point and no guidline, no real resolutions, just quick made up ones, and the movie spends a lot of time on absolutely nothing until getting to the rushed half assed “resolutions”, the “Problems.” it tackles, are tackled in such a bad way. In the prior movies it was mostly just Bella acting like an ass, but here’s it’s every-one, also they all seems to have become just as dumb as Bella, maybe she infected the place and the infection is killing their brain-cells, I don’t know.

      The Director of “Gods and Monsters.” made this… gosh I’m really really sad now, oh well, hope-fully he got a big fat check out of it and the right to do what-ever movie he wants afterwards this big. “Success.” of a movie. … wauw I used a lot of  ” < those things,  in this message.

  • The_Stig

    Hey, it’s THIS movie. She’s an odd little Danish woman but she’s MY odd little Danish woman! 

    • Sofie Liv

       Oh come now.. I’m every-bodies odd little Danish woman, don’t be so possesive, there’s enough of me for every-one ;)

      • The_Stig

        But Sofie, I want you all to myself!

        • Sofie Liv

           That’s sort of creepy…

          But alas, if you can’t handle some-one going Debra Monk, it’ll better to stay away for own sanities sake
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJg7YZHRXtE

          Yes, if I ever get the chance, I would totally want to perform that song!

          • The_Stig

            *sigh* You’re right, Sofie. You belong to the world.

  • John Wilson

    Well some one has been watching xtro
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtE7tS2mDbY&feature=related%205:00 
    Warning nsfl

  • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

    Sofie you can play the piano AND the guitar???  Wow I’m pretty much blown away by that.

    • Sofie Liv

      I also play the trumpet, that was the first instrument I ever learned fully.
      Though as it comes to Piano and Guitar.. I am not really an exspert in either, not really on such a big level at all, but well.. a guitar is fun for the camp-fire and I am working very hard on the piano, getting a little bit better all the time. I just love playing it :3

      And part of me is hoping I can use it for some kind of life performance one day <_<

      I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PLAY THIS! I'm so in love with that video… seriously, I just love watching people play great piano, and I want to be able to do it myself! so practising a little bit every single day it is.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcZroW6fGcA

      • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

        I want to learn to play a piano, but I don’t have space for an 88 key piano in my home :(  Is a 61 keyed Keyboard in your opinion easier to learn on, having similar music range, and worth the cost of buying?  I’ve done some research but would rather hear from someone that knows the craft before I spend the money especially if I find the learning curve too much to bother with.  (I know the basics of sheet music and long notes and the high, middle and low portions of the keyboard with the corresponding places of flat and sharp notes, so I’m not totally dumb on how it works just a super noob)

        • Sofie Liv

           I am learning on a 61 Keyboard myself, because well, that was what we had and I could get it for free, so it is possible.

          But by god.. by god do I want an 88 weighed keys electrical piano! I don’t have room to a real piano either.. absolutely not. I mean for crying out loud, have you noticed I am sitting on my bed for my videos? there litterately isn’t space for me to put up a couch or chair or any-thing nice like that to sit in.

          But honestly, if you have the money and are going to invest any-way, it may be a little more exspensive, but why not just go for the electrical piano? it takes up the same space, it’ll have the right amount of keys, and make sure to have “Weighed keys.” the biggest problem with the key-board are that the keys are much lighter than on a piano so I cannot even train up finger strenght probably.. and well the feeling of the instruments is also lacking. Also as I move up in difficulty with sheet music, those missing keys are really starting to become apparent, it didn’t matter at all at first, but now I just wish I had them.

          Well, if you know sheet music it’s just about having ad it, and practise-practise-practise, even if it’s annoying frustrating in the beginning.

          That is what I did.. how-ever, I very recently started on actual piano lessons, which I do not regret, it’s really learning me some tips and tactics that helps me to get a lot better, but I have been playing simple music for over a year before I started taking the lessons.

          • Russell Brin (Facebook sux)

            Thanks for the reply and the insight.  I think I’ll move some furniture around and plan for a Christmas present to myself for an 88 key electric piano (once I do some measurements but you’ve given me a plan) plus I need a hobby over the winter, here in Canada it gets pretty unpleasant to be outside when the snow flies.  And honestly piano music, at least to me, is the most enjoyable music I could ever listen to…so being able to make that kind of music would be adoration.

  • Calum Syers

    Oh happy days! Today I watch Film Brain and Sage beat down Batman Returns, on TGWTG. And now I see you and the Porn Critic slay this abomination! I’m like a kid in internet review heaven! :D 

    I must say, as bad as these films are, I would say that this is the best of a bad bunch. If only because unlike Catherine Hardwick, Chris Weitz and (surprisingly, and uncharacteristically for this director) David Slade direct with such a sluggish, visually uninteresting style. At the very least, Bill Condon is a director with a more interesting visual flare, as seen in Dreamgirls, Kinsey and especially Gods and Monsters. A few scenes here are well handled, like the opening dream and the birth sequence.

    Okay, enough backhanded praise for Condon’s visuals. Now on to everything I hate about this. Edward is an utter prick, and Bella is stupid. Those wolves still look awful, to the point where I’m really appreciative of Alfonso Cuaron’s Lupin werewolf in PoA, which I think was a great look for a werewolf. But worst of all, these films are screwed, morally speaking. All you said about knowing her for two years, Jacob’s peadophilic baby lust and Stephanie Meyer’s weird mormon beliefs are sickening.

    These films, and books, are bankrupt. I only watched them because I like torturing myself!

    Also, nice singing voice. :)

    • Sofie Liv

       They are wolf muppets is what they are… they belong on the muppet show..

      I watch them for views! … what?
      Oh well, one thankfull thing I can say about twilight is that it’s litterately throwing material in my face, I don’t even have to make up jokes, I just have to recite whats happening in the movie.

      I mean, I didn’t mention the first thing in the movie, but I find it hillarious, Jacob receiving the wedding invitation, and in response runs out of the house in an apparently state of “Rage.” ripping off his shirt and howls as if he is in pain or some-thing.. I just.. hah! how is that not funny? why didn’t I mention it? well.. time, it bears no affect to the plot really, and I thought the pointless wedding dream was quite enough to illustrate that, and also helped to visualise what a turn off this movie is, even if you only watch it for guilty sexual pleasure.

      That’s what I degraded twilight to, genuine porn, reviewed it as a porn, and it failed at that, good riddance.

      Thank you! I like singing, should I do it again?

      • Calum Syers

        Wolf muppets… aww! Sounds like a beanie baby! 

        My problem with the Twilight franchise is just how ineffectual and pointless Bella is in her own franchise. I realise it’s meant to be a fantasy, in the same sense as a Prince Charming, but she’s still pointless. I find it baffling that a female author, writing a female protagonist, can write something so… so… antifeminist! It gets my goat. ARGH!!!!

        Also, you should absolutely sing more. It was an enjoyable way to end an episode.

        • Sofie Liv

           oh the entire story does indeed evolve arounds Bella, every-thing is about Bella here, which I believe is the intend.
          But yeah, she does nothing pro-active herself! She.. attempts, in the first movie she walked right into what she knew was a trap, to safe her mother.. as it turned out her mother wasn’t even there and in the end the cullens were the ones saving her.
          And in the second movie, she ran to that monk place thing, to safe Edward by…. throwing himself at her.

          No hard decisions are ever made really, no compromises, no character growth. “I want both Edward and Jacob, it just so happens i’ll only have sex with one of them.”
          Why Bella, here you go, both will love you for-ever and ever, you are just that gosh darn special that Jacob wont ever get over you, so he’ll do any-thing you ask of him! cause.. you totally deserve that.. Every-body just loves her, and I mean every-body! the vampires, the werewolfs, the kids in school, the towns people, her mother and father.. they are all falling over themselves to please her, and yet she seems to hate every single one of them treating them as trash.

          What the hell happened to kindnes as a virtue?

          Very unrelated.. this is some-thing I feel movies lack nowadays, more kind women.
          What they seem so focused on right now is making bad-ass women, and while that’s very nice to a certain degree, I actually think that kindness is much more admirable than bad-asserie… so where are the women representing kindness in recent movies? I actually genuinly want to see them appear again.

          Thanks, i’ll see if I can sneak it in here and there.

          • Calum Syers

            Fair dos. I didn’t mean pointless as in does nothing, more, as you said, no growth, little risk and gets everything handed to her.

            I agree with you about there being more kind women in film. Or if not “kind” per se, than at least has traits other than “kicking ass”. It shows how little Hollywood and filmmakers in general don’t really get women. They scratch their heads when people complain about a helpless, damsel in distress  and they scratch their heads when they make them just ass kickers and nothing more.

            One film I really like in terms of female characterisation, and this is apparently because the director cast his roles regardless of the gender stated in the script, is Danny Boyle’s Sunshine. Michelle Yeoh caring for her oxygen garden is genuinely touching, and her caring for plants doesn’t stifle or weaken her when she has to jump into action on the spacecraft.

            I’m sure I could think of other examples right now, but that’s more to do with laziness than anything else.

  • Launchpad25

    This entire franchise alone made me lose all respect for women, cinema, and humanity. Seriously, WHT THE @%$# IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN?!? Is this what modern day feminism, and movies aimed at women have become?! All you women out who made Disney Channel crap, CW crap, Reality crap, and this ‘Twilight’ crap successful in pop culture owe us an apology! BIG TIME! Also, Ryan Seacrest, Richard Ross, Dawn Ostroff, and Stephanie Meyer owe us an apology, too! Women deserve better than role models than Lizzie McGuire, Hanna Montana, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Ke$ha, Snookie and of course, Bella! You women need to look up to Wonder Woman, She-Ra, Buffy, Xena, The Powerpuff Girls, Katniss Everdeen, Black Widow! Any one of these are way better role models for girls than these friggin’ bimbos! Remember, girls., the only good ‘Twilight’ is Twilight Sparkle!

    • Sofie Liv

       I can’t deny Twilight Sparkle is a role model a thousand times better than any-one in this movie.. any-one at all…

      Loose all respect for women? gee thanks.

    • Tad over-dramatic don’t you think? Lose all respect for women, cinema and humanity? Get a fucking grip will you?! I know things look bad what with the crappy female role models you mentioned but this franchise made you lose for humanity? Well you must not respect anyone then, including yourself eh?

      This is just another one of those knee-jerk, hyperbole ridden reactions that piss me off on these review sites. You said the only good Twilight is Twilight Sparkle. You do realise Lauren Faust is a ‘modern day feminist’ don’t you?

      I’m sorry if this sounds like I’m really pissed off with you (in fact I’ll offer you a brohoof when I calm down fellow brony), but this is the same level as that “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore” bullshit! If you don’t want to live on this planet, fuck off! More atmosphere and less decompression for us. It’s OK to bash this piece of shit series, but avoid typing out shit like this in the future OK?

      • DavidWilmotLow

        i see you’re still taking things people post WAY to seriously. LIGHTEN UP.

  • Guest

    Mr Porn Critic: Roughly 14 minutes in: What exactly do you consider “good” pedophilia?

    • The_Stig

      You seriously don’t want to know.

      • Sofie Liv

         Ask the porn critic, he ad lipped that line..

        • The_Stig

          I know. It was clever and implies things one really doesn’t wish to think about. I’m talking “Ze goggles, zey do nothing!” stuff.

    • Sarcasm. Just one of the many comedic tools I’m able use. 

      • Sofie Liv

         Like actually having an entire bag of condomns at your disposal.. it was not in the script, but it was glorius!
        I almost fell down from the chair when you suddenly pulled up that bag on the footage, and had a face that say. “Trust me guys, I know what I am talking about, take the condomns!”

        Hell yeah that is going in!

        • Connie333

          How much did it cost to buy that many condoms? Or do you know someone who works in a Durex factory? It was like looking at a bag filled with almost-shags :(

          • They were all in my bedside drawer. I buy them in bulk, E-bay can be your friend!

          • Sofie Liv

             I hope it’s because you are giving them out, condoms do have exsperations dates you know, (another lesson folks, just make sure your condom is not exspired, other-wise it’s pretty much pointless to use it.)
            I mean shezz, how many can you manage to use???

          •  Well if you think about it, if you want to suck my cock in the middle of a sex shesh, then you’re going to want to take the condom off, right? No-one wants rubber taste in their mouth! So you can get through two or three condoms at a time! And the last thing you’d want is to run out!

          • Sofie Liv

             But.. what then are flavoured condoms for?

            Are you telling me the chocolate-banana flavoured condom I have is compleately useless then?

            But good for you you wont run out! I can’t deny that’s not a good thing.

          • I think it’s just another attempt from Bertie Bott to try and branch out into the adult market.

            Chocolate banana eh? Well there are people who have very strange tastebuds and crazy fetishes so it’s gotta work for somebody!

  • My sister got me to watch the first three Twilight movies with her. I was bored and annoyed, but at the end of the day my thought was, “Heh…wow…that’s, umm…well, vampires were cooler before this. And the messages and characters are crummy. Why is this popular?”

    Thank you so much for making this review. Now I never, ever, ever have to go see this movie. It looks so bad–not just annoying like the first three, but genuinely AWFUL. It does have one redeeming feature, though…

    It spawned this rather hilarious video.

    Hah! I knew there had to be a reason for Twilight existing! (Having the Porn Critic do a crossover for this movie was an inspired idea.)

    Edit: Now that I’ve watched the review again, I’d like to add that Bella’s dad’s wedding speech is pretty funny. *shrug* Most likeable person in the movies anyway, hehe.

    • Sofie Liv

       Good for you, don’t watch the movie, you seriously don’t need to! and thanks glad you enjoyed the review!

      “Also I know how to use a gun.” only funny line in the entire movie! at least it was delivered very well by only likeable character in this dumb movie -_-;

  • Connie333

    I am ashamed to admit that I have read Breaking Dawn (I got it out of the library so I didn’t finance Meyer’s crazy Mormon nonsense though) and I did rent Breaking Dawn when it came out on DVD – mostly because I wanted to see the crazy birth scene and Jacob becoming paedowolf.  It was as squicky as I thought it would be.  I did love the fact that whether it’s her wedding day/she’s just found out she’s pregnant/she’s dying, Bella has exactly one (1) facial expression.
     I doubt I’ll bother with the second film though, if it follows the second half of the book it’s just endless chatter about Bella being the most perfect sparkliest vampire evah !!!!111! Followed by a spectacularly anticlimatic non-battle.  The weird Renesmee thing should bring the uncomfortable terror missing from the other films though.
    Loved the review and the cross-over :)

    • Sofie Liv

       well, that sounds like an interesting movie with a lot of music montages in it I have to sit through sooner a later…

  • This video was genius.  Porn Critic’s bit with the condoms was pure brilliance.

    • Sofie Liv

       Thanks :)

  • TheScottCSmith

    Poor Sofie, you’ve endured “Zardoz” and now this.  You’re not going to torture yourself with Breaking Dawn: Part 2, are you?

    • Sofie Liv

       I sort of have to don’t I? I ran through Twilight 1,2 and 4 now, skipped 3 because Mendo had all-ready done that so I didn’t have to.. just one more.. just that one.

      • TheScottCSmith

        I will send you strength from Oregon, good luck to you in this endeavor!

        • Sofie Liv

           Oh well, it’ll be a while before I have to, it hasn’t even come out in Cinema…. yet.. and there are so many other bad movies to pick from :/

  • DavidWilmotLow

    mendo and sofie are like a wacky buddy cop movie. sofie and porn critic are like a romantic comedy directed by david lynch, lol:)

    • Sofie Liv

       A romantic comedy directed by David Lynch? …. wauw, sounds weirdly interesting..

      All though, having the porn critic as a romantic lead? urh no.. he is more like that Quackmeyer, the sex happy next-door neighbour.

      • FullofQuestions1

        Would Blue Velvet count? It’s…romantic.

        • The_Stig

          ….if you’re Charles Manson.

          • Russell Brin (Facebook Sux)

            I can see Questions romantic comedy being like a Michael Bay movie, with lots of explosions during the “climax” with Mendo being Stallone with a knife and Sofie being Darryl Hannah with two big guns (“It’s the guns, dudes love the guns”) would be a good one liner for Sofie to say.  Porn Critic as a staunchy UK Prime Minister, Joey Tedesco as an intelligent American President, Jill as the anti-hero trying to keep two steps ahead of Sofie being the gun-toting Holmes she is, while drawing in help from unlikely sources like Fear Fan (“Dammit Jill I’m a horror critic, not a profiler!”), Cecil (“Wait, what am I doing here?  I’m missing Teenage Catgirls in Heat, and by the way none of the girls are teenage, or catgirls, or in heat”), and Renegado (“I’ll help, but my gun needs bullets”).  It would be epic and campy but oh so glorious, and set to a soundtrack by Vanilla Ice…yes I can totally see that movie being a hit.

  • Sask Noob

    It’s funny my renter is a HUGE Twilight fan (although he’s more of a Kristen Stewart fan than anything else) so he always says “tread lightly when dissing Twilight.” But his tastes aren’t all bad he likes Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, being a big fantasy fan (and he’s aboriginal, so he doesn’t fit ANY of the nerd stereotypes whatsoever).  But when I called Edward an emo douchebag and Bella a whiny bitch, he had trouble defending that as not being accurate.

    • Sofie Liv

       Well, the funny thing is when I have asked people I know are gennerally smart but love twilight in the past. (yes, i’ve actually asked a lot of people about exactly what they liked about Twilight, and I listened to them, I sat down and shut up until they were finished explaining.)

      The genneral response has been. “No I don’t really like Edward nor Bella, I just like the ideas and univers in the book aside from Edward and Bella.”

      To which I could only response. “Urh.. but.. if you don’t like the main focus of the book, it doesn’t really do its job well does it? and secondly, a univers of a modern day, where vampires and werewolves lifes side by side, it’s not really a new thing, check out Underworld or buffy or being human or Dark shadows or inteview with a vampire..” and many of those things even have likable characters and a univers at least as interesting, often even fleshed out even more than this. so.. not really an answer people.

      And it always end up the same way, as these people argue for their cause and I counter argue, they’ll always end up admitting it’s just a guilty pleasure for them, and that’s it. And you know, I can accept that answer, I really can. As long as you are aware it’s your guilty pleasure then fine by me, just don’t tell me the book is genius when you can’t even argue for it. 

  • Grimevil

    After watching the movies my theory is that Edward loves Bella because he can’t read her thoughts, so she seems mysterious to him. He thinks of all the other girls as whores because he can see their “naughty” thoughts about him. Jacob… I think he loves her because he is a netorare-style masochist. I gave it so much thought despite hating the movies, does this makes me weird? Probably =)

    • Sofie Liv

       njah, you’re not, I have put way more thought into this franchise than any-one ever should.. my thoughts about it just goes on and on for-ever, and i’ve asked and re-searched more than I should have.

      Also, it’s a sound theory.

  • Doctorcito 22

    good review sofie you are the best review

    • Sofie Liv

       aw, thanks :)

  • Nuclearademan

    My two favourite reviewers on the site doing a crossover, sweet. The “you’re an odd little Danish women” line was my favourite.

    As for the film maybe it was just the clips you showed but christ everyone in that looked miserable.

  • Dbn404

    Started being a fan of the porn critic a short while ago, when I found out this site had a Danish reviewer I of course had to watch your show as well.
    Love your over the top reviewing style (If this is anything like your other reviews) and my goodness Twilight is horrible. As most others keep saying, I find absolutely no likeable qualities in Bella or Edward and who could possibly think vampire stories should be about romance. :/
    /endrant
    I love seeing crossover reviews and your team-up with the porn critic was really really good.
    Any plans for possibly doing Breaking Dawn part 2 with him as well. :P
    My favorite line was “But I was going to do a musical montage.” :D

    • Sofie Liv

       Thank you very much.
      Believe it or not, I’ve toned my performance down in genneral because there has been complaints that I was to over the the top, so what you see here is a some-what lesser exstent than how I began.. except the ending, it’s rare that I even go on rampages at all. But by god man! This called for it!

      Oh Vampire stories can totally be about romance! And vampires can be sexy.. very sexy, I mean my god, when I saw the 1991 series re-make of Dark Shadows, I spend the whole thing just gushing over Barnabas, then I showed it to a friend and we spend a whole night just gushing over him being deeply in love with that vampire lord.
      Big difference here, Barnabas in that series is genuinly dangerous, very very dangerous, and he is genuinly very tragic, his love story is a big tragedy, and it’s genuinly heart wrenching to watch.

      Bram Stokers Dracula, also a pretty good love story.. again a tragedy.

      So no, it’s not because vampires can’t be about romance.. how-ever, I have a damn hard time seeing how a vampire story can ever be about a happy romance with a happy out-come!?!? just, no! There’s no happy out-come for the vampire, the vampire is evil and the only way for him is to die, a vampire story will always be a tragedy and the only logical end that makes any god damn sense is a tragic one, where he dies, because he is the villain.
      Yes the Phantom of the opera is hot and we are all in love with him, But he doesn’t get the girl for a reason, because he is the villain of the story! a tragic villain sure, but the villain, so he either dies or ends up alone. Shess.

      I am probably going to do Break Dawn part 2 at some point… I did the first two twilight movies but skipped the third one with the explanation. “Mr. Mendo did that one so I don’t have to!”
      Whether it’s going to be with the porn critic or not remains for now, un-answered. I’ll probably drag some-one into it.

      And by god, if Fifty shades of Gray becomes a movie. YES! Yes the porn critic shall suffer through it with me. 

      • Dbn404

        Yeah, I misspoke when I said they couldn’t be about romance, there have been vampire “romance” that has been great, but like you said, they should not have happy endings.
        Take the Buffy love triangle for example, it can be silly at times but I find it a whole lot more believable than some ancient emo vampire falling in love with some privileged, depressed teenage girl with no personality.

        “And by god, if Fifty shades of Gray becomes a movie. YES! Yes the porn critic shall suffer through it with me.”
        This absolutely needs to happen. :P
        Thank you for the reply!

        • Sofie Liv

          Yeah, having vampires present but all dangerous elements removed from them, every single one, without it being a family comedy.. just does not work.

          Even Hotel Transylvania had more threatening vampires than this, there’s a moment where that animated Dracula genuinly considers the possibility of just killing Jonnhy to get rid of him… I thought that was funny. And it gets to be oki there cause it is a fun wacky comedy.. this trying to be “deep, dark and serious.” naha, just.. no. Do not try and pretend that you have some-thing of deeper value to teach me, that is what makes me most angry about you Twilight.

          And you are welcome, any-time.

  • Jay_Bay

    That ending (the review, not the movie), INSTANT HILARIOUS!!!! Now, that’s a freakout of epic proportions.

  • Shaun Knutsen

    Jesus, this series keeps getting worse and worse!! Jacob wants to kill the baby to avenge Bella? But he doesn’t because he….falls in love with her? Oh, my God. That is just so damn stupid and SICKENING. I just don’t see how girls can like him after that. And I know that this meant to be tween porn. But something this reprehensible doesn’t have the right to be this popular. On top of that, it is just an ugly and unpleasant movie. I actually hoped you had gotten MORE angry at this. Oh, well. 

    • Sofie Liv

       Well… I brought in the porn critic, effectively stamping this thing as ‘porn’ and judged it from that merit, and even then it failed.

      But it’s more difficult being really angry at porn X) … all though.. god I hate this movie. Yeah, yeah it’s an ugly movie.

      I AM GOING TO AVENGE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE…… BY KILLING HER BABY! …. dumbest plan ever.