Twilight (2008) (part 7 of 9)

In the next scene, Bella is busy washing her truck. Edward comes along and invites her to come and visit his family the next day. Bella worries that they won’t like her, and he laughingly points out that, since they’re vampires, that really shouldn’t be uppermost in her mind. Hey, they’re making jokes! They’re actually laughing together and having fun! That wasn’t in the book!

Does not compute!

Edward pulls up, sensing something unseen, and leaves. A few moments later, Billy Black drives past, and gives Edward a very hostile look. This is because Billy comes from a clan of werewolves, and werewolves and vampires don’t get along. That won’t be explicated until the next movie, so I’ll spare you the confusion and explain it now.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

Little known fact: Vampires are huge litterbugs.

Billy pulls over at Bella’s house, and it turns out he’s got Jacob with him. The two of them have come to visit and watch some sports with Charlie and the Moustache. Billy and Charlie discuss the recent deaths, and Billy gives Bella a meaningful look as he says he doesn’t want anyone else to get hurt. Hint, hint.

Bella goes to Edward’s house anyway. It turns out to be a really nice place, very arty with big windows and lots of wood panelling. I’d like to live in a house like this one day. When I’m rich.

Hey, Al, you gonna pay me for this recap? No? Damn.

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Inside, Bella is introduced to the Cullens. Esme, Emmet, and Carlisle are busy making a meal with the help of a cooking show on TV, and arguing about whether Bella is Italian, and will therefore like the Italian meal they’re making. Rosalie is acting rather sulkily, when they catch a whiff of Bella coming.

“Here comes the human!” Esme says in jolly tones.

Bella and Edward come in. Esme greets her sweetly and tells her they’re using the kitchen for the first time just for her. Bella expresses gratitude, but Edward, the big moron, whines that she’s already had something to eat.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“So, what do you think goes better with emo teenager—soup or salad?”

A pissed-off Rosalie crushes a glass salad bowl with her bare hands and makes a snarky remark. She’s acting so much like my sister in a temper here that it’s not even funny. She snaps at Edward that having Bella around is dangerous for all of them. Bella says she’ll never tell anyone their secret, but Rosalie basically tells her that if things go wrong and she gets eaten then the whole family will be in trouble. Bella and the others laugh it off.

At this point Alice arrives, with Jasper. Alice is the dreamy one, so she all but dances in through the window via a balancing act on a tree branch. She comes over to introduce herself with a hug, and assures Bella that they’re going to be best friends. Jasper, meanwhile, stands there looking like his skin is incredibly fragile and he has to stand absolutely still, lest his insides get out. The other Cullens excuse him on the grounds that he’s only recently become a “vegetarian” so it’s harder for him to hold himself back.

Jasper greets Bella very, very stiffly, and Edward’s pained expression is pretty damn amusing. Who hasn’t felt like this when introducing a significant other to the wackier members of the family?

Edward pulls Bella away for a tour of the house, as you would. On the stairs, Bella sees a rather nice piece of artwork made from dozens of mortarboards, all lined up in colour order. Edward tells her they’re a collection from all the times the Cullens have graduated.

“We matriculate a lot,” he says. Okay, that was funny.

They go into Edward’s room, which is covered in books and CDs. Bella remarks that there’s no bed, and I swear to gods the disappointed edge in her voice was intentional. Edward says no, because he doesn’t sleep. That would suck. I love sleeping.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick/I wanna take a ride on your disco stick…

Bella checks out the contents of his shelves, and turns on a stereo. It plays Clair de Lune by Debussy, and of course Edward moves in closer for a dance. Luckily, we’re spared this mushy romantic staple when Bella says she doesn’t dance, ever.

“Well, I could always make you,” says Edward, way too menacingly.

For about the hundredth time, Bella says she’s not scared of him. Edward apparently doesn’t like this, because he says she shouldn’t have said that. Then he pulls her onto his back and leaps out through an open window. They go leaping through the trees together, which looks like a lot of fun, and wind up perched on a high branch. They admire the beautiful view, and sit up there to enjoy some [inaudible dialogue].

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“Can you read my mind? Oh, right, you can’t. Psych!

Back inside, Edward plays a tune for her on the piano. In the book, this was explicitly stated to be a piece he composed himself just for her, called “Bella’s Lullaby”. In this case, it’s another piece from the soundtrack, but there’s a surprisingly charming story to go with it.

The composer of the score, Carter Burwell, had to write this special tune, which there had been a lot of speculation and interest about. I actually have a very nice piano piece on my hard drive which was supposedly the Lullaby, but I don’t know where it came from because it’s not in the movie. I suspect there were a few rejects or at least a few fakes.

After some struggling, Burwell finally dug out something he wrote a long time ago. It was a piece he’d written after his girlfriend left him, and he’d used it to express all his sadness and his lost love. With some revisions, he put it into the score of Twilight, and we all got to hear it for ourselves. I’m glad, because it’s a really beautiful bit of music.

Oh, and there’s a coda to the story: Burwell got back together with his girlfriend, and they’re now married. Isn’t that just so sweet?

Caption contributed by Jet

Ah, for the good old days when you could get a guy to serenade you without a boombox.

Back to the movie.

James (woo! James!) watches a police squad following his trail. Below him, the red-haired girl (her name is Victoria), runs along barefoot and deliberately leaves a print. Charlie, leading the police squad and a sniffer dog, finds the print and notes with puzzlement that it’s human. No duh. Those murderous vampires will never get away with it now that Charlie and his Mighty Moustache are on the case!

In the next scene, Bella parks her truck outside the diner. She’s met by Mike, who mentions her relationship with Edward. He doesn’t like it, and tells her so, because “he looks at you like you’re… like, something to eat!” Har har, it is to laugh.

Cut to inside, and—Aaah! It’s her!

Yes, there’s Stephanie Meyer, bold as brass, sitting at the counter and being served a veggie burger. She then goes back to her laptop, presumably in order to keep on very pointedly not writing the next Twilight book, since someone on the movie set leaked a fragment of the manuscript. That’s right, Meyer, punish your loyal loving fanbase because of one dishonest person. That’s how you win friends and influence people!

Caption contributed by Jet

“Dear internet: your a bunch of meanies an u don understand my caracterz, jelus haterz! Im not gonna write the next chappie till I get ten good reviews!”

Bella finds her dad at a table and sits down with him. They share some useless dialogue, and the waitress asks Charlie if he found anything. He tells her about the human footprint, saying it was headed east, so it’s the next county’s problem. A bunch of old guys at the next table watch apprehensively.

Turning back to Bella, Charlie tells her that her friends are “flagging” her, whatever that means. She glances over her shoulder at Mike’s antics outside the window, and Charlie says she ought to go join him. He probes her to see if she’s got her eye on any of the guys in town, and after she evades the issue, he says he thinks he leaves her alone too much. He’s so loveable, that Charlie. Yes, Moustache, I can see you winking at me.

That night, Bella talks to her mum again. Mum is at an indoor sports centre while her new husband (name of Phil) practises. In case you care, Phil is a minor league baseball player, which is why Bella’s mum wanted to go on the road with him. Bella decided to go live with Charlie so her mum could go with Phil instead of having to stay at home with her. (For some bizarre reason, when I read the book I thought Phil was in a band and had to go on tour. I have no idea where I got that from).

Mum asks Bella how she’s getting on, and suggests that she might come and join them again. But Bella says Forks is growing on her. Mum instantly guesses that there’s a guy involved. Bella is about to spill the juicy details, but looks up and sees Edward perched in her window. She excuses herself, leaving Mum to protest and ask, “Are you being safe?” And there’s another bit that made me laugh.

Bella hangs up on her and asks Edward how he got in. He says the window, and she asks him if he does this a lot. He shrugs and says yeah, just the last couple of months. He likes watching her sleep.

Every single time I saw this in the theatre I yelled “Creep!” at this line. Yeah, yeah, how obnoxious can you get. But I should add that other people were wincing and groaning at it, and I got a laugh every time I did it.

Bella just stares at him. Then Edward announces that he wants to try something. No, not biting her. He wants to finally make out onscreen!

They start smooching, and the ever-horny Bella starts pushing herself forward. Yes! Cue icy-cold vampire sex! And—whoa, she’s not wearing any pants! Yikes, this is gettin’ pretty risqué here!

Caption contributed by Jet

I wanna love you but I better not touch/I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop/I wanna kiss you but I want it too much/I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison/You’re poison running through my veins/You’re poison…

Unfortunately for those of you who were hanging out for some sex, Edward whooshes away to the other side of the room and calls a stop to the attempted shenanigans. He doesn’t want to “lose control” with her. Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy who didn’t want to get it on. Mind you, he’s over a hundred years old. Maybe he’s already been through male menopause and he’s just too embarrassed to admit it.

Caption contributed by Jet

Hey, speaking of Let the Right One In, are you sure this vampire isn’t castrated too?

Bella asks him not to go, and so they sit up together and chat all night. This movie is like a huge advertisement for nice safe teenage relationships. Except with lots of stalking and abusive tendencies. Eventually, Bella falls asleep leaning on Edward’s chest. Cute.


[removed by request]

Multi-Part Article: Twilight (2008)

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