Twilight (2008) (part 6 of 9)

Next day at school, Bella stands very still while people walk past her in slo-mo. Edward shows up, wearing the exact same outfit he’s worn for the last few scenes. He also must have posed in it for his action figure, because that’s what mine is wearing.

Bella walks off into the forest by the school, and Edward follows in slo-mo. Yes, now that she’s seen all the dangerous powers he has and she’s half convinced that he’s a vampire, the first thing she wants to do is be alone in an isolated spot with him.

Somewhere, Darwin is nodding in satisfaction.

Edward catches up with her in a misty clearing straight out of The Fellowship of the Ring. Without turning around, Bella starts to rehearse for the trailer with this little monologue.

Bella: You’re impossibly fast, and strong. Your skin is pale white, and ice cold. And sometimes you talk like you’re from a different time. You never eat or drink anything, you don’t go out into the sunlight…

You know, even after all the times I’ve seen this movie I’m still confused by the “talks like he’s from a different time” thing. I keep forgetting to listen for it, but so far I’ve never noticed him doing anything of the sort. Maybe it happened off-screen? Did anyone else spot anything? Okay, he used way too many ellipses and kept changing the subject abruptly… is that how people talked in the 1920s? I don’t know, but it makes no sense to me.

Caption contributed by Jet

In a moment of frustration, Edward tries pinching Bella on the arse to see if she’ll change her expression.

Bella asks how old he is. He replies that he’s seventeen. But he’s been seventeen for a while. You know, I saw Let the Right One In a few days ago, and it had a line that was almost exactly the same. Coincidence? Homage? Theft? Either way I hope this movie doesn’t end with a bunch of Bella’s schoolmates being ripped limb from limb. Okay, it would make the movie way more exciting, but I like them too much to want that to happen.

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Bella finally gets scared. She tells Edward she knows what he is. Acting creepily, Edward tells her to say it out loud.

“Vampire,” she says.

“No duh!” says the audience.

Edward asks if she’s afraid. She turns around and says no. Hm. A lie, or a sudden realisation?

Edward prompts her to ask him whether he eats people. She just insists that he won’t hurt her, but he goes bipolar again and drags her off by the arm. He says he wants to take her to the mountaintop and show her what he looks like in the sunlight, and without waiting for an answer, he hauls her onto his back and whizzes off at high speed on a set of wires. Yeah, okay, I think he’s meant to be running, but since his feet obviously aren’t touching the ground, I call wires on this one.

At the top of the mountain, Edward puts her down and lurches (literally) into a handy sunbeam. He doesn’t burst into flame, or scream, or shrivel, or anything of that nature. No, he sparkles.

Yeah, I know you all saw this coming. I heard they tried all sorts of things to make the sparkling effect, including doing it practically. In the end, I’m pretty sure they went with CG. However they did it, the much-anticipated sparkling is pretty understated. Basically it looks like he’s been coated in salt, or that he’s got dew on him.

Making this scene even more surreal is the little “jingling” sound effect that accompanies the sparkling. Who knew sparkling made a noise?

Instead of being intimidated, Bella thinks it looks beautiful and says so. Edward gets all emo and tells her, “This is the skin of a killer.” He stomps off (I need to count how many times he’s done this), whining about how he’s a killer. Bella follows, saying she doesn’t believe it. Yeah, I can’t make myself believe it either.

Ah, shit, this is all making me flash back to the book. Endless scenes of Edward brooding and sulking and Bella being as thick as a post and tiresomely persistent.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“This is the skin of a fab-u-lous killer!”

Edward tells Bella he’s the world’s most dangerous predator. His good looks are a lure to draw people in. That’s an interesting idea, actually. Edward doesn’t like it, though, and proceeds to throw a tantrum, zooming around and ranting about how she couldn’t outrun him anyway. He tears a big tree root out of the ground and hurls it away, saying that she couldn’t fight him off either. He can’t be bargained with! He can’t be reasoned with!

Bella’s response? “I don’t care.” Uh-huh.

Edward tells her he’s killed people before, but once again his threats bounce off a thick wall of idiocy. Now he finally comes out and says he wanted to kill her, too. In fact, he’s never wanted to bite any human’s neck so much before.

At this point, Bella, having found out the unstable, violent, stalkery, and frankly unpleasant guy she barely knows is also a vampire desperate to suck her blood, does the logical thing. That is, she gets all horny and tries to kiss him. Yes, that’s right! You go for it, Bella! A guy like this comes along once in a lifetime—for gods’ sakes, don’t blow it!

Edward leaps up into a tree out of the temptress’ reach, and explains that he and his family only feed on animals. But to him, her smell is like a drug. His “own personal brand of heroin”. Someone actually wrote that down, right?

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“For the last time, the mouse is gone! Now will you get out of that tree already?”

Bella asks why he hated her when they first met. He says he hated her for making him want her so badly, and he still doesn’t know if he can control himself. She keeps coming on to him, saying she knows he can. Okay, someone’s in heat.

Edward bounds away from her yet again—I swear, this guy could be a mascot for the abstinence brigade! She comes after him, and he pins her up against a mossy rock. He says that since he can’t read her mind, she has to tell him what she’s thinking.

And then Bella says she’s afraid. What the hell is wrong with this girl? She forgets about it a nanosecond later and presses in on him, saying she’s only afraid of losing him. He looks rather pained at this. And then—oh hell, here it comes.

Edward: You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.[a beat]
Edward: [caressing her] And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Bella: What a stupid lamb.
Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion.
[camera hastily pans away just before the making out begins]

The pain… it burns… nooooooo… must… stab… self…

Movie, really, stop quoting from the book! You’re better than that! I can’t believe I’m saying it, but you are.

They find their way to a really beautiful little meadow, where we get slow, loving shots of them lying down together. In any other movie this would be the start of a sex scene, but since this is set in a world where marriage comes first, we just get something that is shot exactly like a sex scene without any actual sex. Catherine Hardwicke, what a rascal you are! I’d be willing to lay money that she was snickering when she watched the dailies for this scene.

Caption contributed by Jet

Bella and the Real Guy

After some slow, loving shots of the shiny, sparkly duo, the scene ends and Bella returns to her room and reads us the blurb from the novel.

Bella: About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him—and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be—that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Oh, so they’re in love now. Gotcha. Hey, that’s Movie Love for you: a few awful lines of dialogue and a quick kiss—wait, they left out the kiss. Ah well. It’s Movie Love either way. You know, the kind that happens in a matter of a scene or so. In that respect, it’s very close to the book, actually.

Next day (and scene), everyone’s at school again and Eric is handing out flyers for the prom, which will apparently be James Bond-themed. Ooh, neat! Angela is about to take a picture, when who should show up but Bella! And hey, look, she brought Bob Dylan with her! Oh, wait, it’s Edward. But damn, those shades look cool on him. The humans look on with amazement, while the other Cullens look disapproving.

Next up, Bella and Edward are walking over rocks by a lake together. So this is either later on, or they’re skipping school again. Bella is fulfilling her usual plot function by asking insistent questions, but at least this time Edward is answering them, so the movie has stopped wasting our time.

He tells her his backstory. Apparently Dr. Cullen—aka Carlisle—only turns someone into a vampire if they’re already dying. Apparently, he found Edward in 1918, dying in a hospital from Spanish influenza. We get a sepia flashback of Dr. Cullen biting the half-comatose Edward. There’s nothing sexual about it at all.

Caption contributed by Jet

“Nooooo, I don’t wanna be a gay vampire!”

Carlisle pulls away after the bite, looking all shocked like he just realised someone saw him kiss a guy. Edward explains that what Carlisle did was very hard—namely, biting and then pulling away without feeding. There’s a joke about coitus interruptus to be made here, but I’m leaving it well alone.

Cut back to Bella and Edward. It’s suddenly started raining again, and the damp Edward says that when a vampire tastes blood, a frenzy starts, and it’s almost impossible not to finish the deed.

We get another quick sepia-back of Carlisle biting his wife, Esme, who we haven’t met yet. (Note: she became his wife after he bit her. Now there’s a way to pick up chicks!)

Edward says that Carlisle led his “family” to abstain from humans, but that Edward also does it because he doesn’t want to be a monster. Awww, he’s so sweet! Unfortunately, living on animal blood is unsatisfying. Smiling very cheerily, he speculates about what it would be like to taste Bella’s blood. Eep.

Sadly, there are other vampires out there who still prey on humans, and one of those killed the two guys from earlier on.

Edward also tells Bella that he’s the only vampire who reads minds. His “sister” Alice can see the future—but with a catch. People’s choices can change what she sees. In other words, she only sees possible or probable futures. We aren’t told about the powers the other Cullens have, since Alice’s is the only one that’s relevant to the plot. Thank you for skipping at least some of the endless exposition, movie.


[removed by request]

Multi-Part Article: Twilight (2008)

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