Twilight (2008) (part 5 of 9)

The next day is what looks to be the first sunny scene in the movie since leaving Phoenix. Bella looks around for Edward, but there’s no sign of him. A sunbathing Jessica notes that he and his family are mysteriously absent every time it’s sunny. Clue!

Caption contributed by Jet

All right, guys, you get some eye-candy too. Enjoy.

Angela runs up to tell Bella that she did indeed ask Eric to the prom, and he said yes. Let’s hope she doesn’t find out she was second on Eric’s list, too.

Jessica wants to go to Port Angeles to pick out a dress, and Bella decides to go with them and get the book.

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Cut to a shop in Port Angeles, where—horror of horrors—Angela and Jessica are busy trying on clothes. Oh gods, there’s nothing I hate more than shopping for clothes. Especially with other women. You ever wonder if your brain can physically melt and drip out of your ears like runny cheese? No, me neither, but I think we’ve all come close.

Not unnaturally, Bella is just sitting there and not paying any attention. While Angela and Jessica go ga-ga over the low-cut dresses they’re wearing, a group of sleazy guys go past the window and leer at the three of them. That reminds me of a time when I was walking along a road and some guy driving past whistled. It turned out there were a couple of good-looking girls behind me.

Jessica and Angela ask for Bella’s opinion, but get a disinterested response. They pick up on this, and Bella excuses herself to go and pick up the book. They’ll meet later at a restaurant.

It’s dark by the time Bella gets to the bookshop, but she finds the book and buys it from the Native American shopkeeper. Hmm, guess this is a speciality shop, given the native designs on the sign outside.

Caption contributed by Jet

I’ll say this for Twilight: at least it got young people reading! Reading crap, but it’s a start.

Bella leaves the shop and heads for the restaurant, but we see someone—or something—watching her. As she’s heading through a dark alleyway—you moron! Never go into an alley at night, especially if you’re in a movie! There’s nothing but trouble in those things!

Sure enough, she’s waylaid by the sleazy guys seen earlier. They’re obviously drunk, and they start to close in on her, eventually cornering her in a car park. They’re making skeevy remarks and getting way too close, and fuck this would be scary. Bella punches one, and this is the point where most girls would end up with some truly horrible emotional scarring.

Fortunately though, this is a movie, and Bella happens to have one more creep following her around. Yes, it’s Edward to the rescue! He screeches up in an expensive silver car, and Bella quickly gets in. Edward faces down the gang, then drives off like he’s in a demolition derby. Wow, I’ll bet they got a professional stunt driver to do that.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

I think I just soiled myself.

Inside the car, Edward is quivering with rage. Voice literally shaking, he says that he should go back and “rip those guys’ heads off”. I have to say, if I was a vampire I wouldn’t just be tempted—I’d probably have done it already. Or at least broken some bones.

Bella though doesn’t think it’s a good idea. She also doesn’t look the least bit traumatised. Oh, come on. Edward quavers that she has no idea of the revolting things the would-be rapists were thinking. Instead of getting upset, she demands to know how he knows what they were thinking. Edward snaps that it wasn’t hard to guess. Which it wasn’t, but there are ten-ton lumps of lead less dense than Bella.

Edward pleads with her to distract him so he won’t turn back. She tells him to put his seatbelt on, and he cracks up and points out that she’s not wearing one herself. Yeah! Road safety is for pussies!

Caption contributed by Jet

Hey, at least this doesn’t go on for five minutes solid.

They arrive at the restaurant where Bella’s friends are waiting—amusingly, it’s called the Bloated Toad, and even has a wooden toad statue outside. I understand that this is a real restaurant that Meyer included in her book. In fact, just because of the book, it now serves mushroom ravioli in order to comply with the famous “Restaurant Scene”. I’ll bet it’s doing very good business nowadays. Good for them.

Jessica and Angela come out to meet Bella, apologising for having already eaten while they were waiting. Bella claims she was late because she bumped into Edward. On seeing him, the two girls instantly go all nudge-nudge wink-wink and scurry off to leave them to it. Giggle, giggle.

Inside the restaurant, a waitress with an hilarious hairdo serves Bella the famous mushroom ravioli, and then very subtly flirts with Edward. Good gods, there’s a lot of flirting in this movie.

Caption contributed by Jet

…I think that woman’s hair is eating her brain.

Once they’re alone, the happy couple start talking. Bella notes that Edward’s not eating anything, and he says he’s on a “special diet”. Oh, for fuck’s sake, just tell her you’re a vampire already.

Yet again, Bella demands answers. Argh! I am getting so tired of this!

Edward avoids the issue (again), this time by joking around. Stop it or I’ll slap you.

Bella ignores him and asks him how he knew where she was. He doesn’t answer, so she prepares to leave. He asks her to stay, and she sits down again and asks if he was following her.

“I feel very… protective… of you,” Edward replies.

“So you followed me,” says Bella.

Yes, says the world’s hottest stalker. But only at a safe distance, until he “heard what those lowlifes were thinking.” Okay, it’s lucky he was there, but even so. If you like a girl, ask her out. Don’t follow her all over the place like you’re Elmer Fudd during babe season!

“So you read minds,” says Bella, grasping at the most important detail.

Edward finally explains that he can read every mind in the room—apart from Bella’s. To prove it, he indicates everyone there in turn, and boils their thoughts down to one noun apiece.

“Money… sex… money… sex… cat.” This last is a big biker type with an eyebrow piercing. Okay, that was funny. And no, this was not in the book. Thank you, screenwriter! I enjoyed that.

Edward turns back to Bella. “And then you,” he says, “Nothing.” No, forget it. Just no. I’m not gonna do it. I’m better than that. I said no! Make the damn joke yourself!

Oh, fine.

Hahah, she doesn’t have any thoughts! What a mook!

There, I hope you’re happy.

Edward finds this lack of thought frustrating. Bella asks if there’s something wrong with her. No! I did it once, and that’s enough. Sod off.

Edward finds the question amusing, and points out that, given than he’s the one who can read minds, Bella should be wondering about what’s wrong with him.

He then goes back to doing the brooding, troubled thing, and tells her he doesn’t “have the strength” to stay away from her. Bella tells him not to, since a manic-depressive stalker is just what she wants. Hey, I know the feeling. Wait, no I don’t! This girl is an idiot!

On the ride home, Bella goes to turn off the heater in the car. She accidently touches Edward’s hand, and recoils because it’s ice cold. Plot point!

“Your hand is so cold,” she says. Fuck, what a terrible read that was. Miss Stewart’s acting isn’t that bad most of the time, but she really blew that one line. It was so staccato it could’ve been Morse code.

The two of them look up to see a cop car and an ambulance with its lights flashing. They’re parked outside the police headquarters, and Edward spots his father’s car there. He pulls over, and he and Bella go to investigate.

Doctor Cullen comes out of the building and tells them that the Creepy Victim Guy has been killed by the same animal that got the guy at the power station. He and Edward exchange meaningful looks, and Bella goes inside to console her dad, since the dead guy was his friend. Edward stays outside and exchanges more meaningful looks with the good doctor before leaving.

Inside, Bella finds Charlie and the Moustache sitting at a desk. They’re feeling down, and Bella does her best to cheer them up. Charlie gives Bella a can of pepper spray in case she ever gets attacked. Now that would’ve been handy a few hours earlier. Bella takes it—reluctantly, despite the fact that she’s just encountered a situation where pepper spray would have helped. My old socks have a higher IQ than this girl.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“Here, this will keep you safe from anything. Except for grizzly bears; they just love this shit.”

They leave the building together, just in time to see the dead guy being wheeled into the ambulance. Bella sees his feet poking out of the blanket, and for some reason this makes her flash back to Edward’s face and hands. I guess she’s meant to be noticing the colour and thinking it’s exactly the same, but given the reddish lighting here, it’s not really evident to the audience. I didn’t even really get it myself until just now.

Oh, and it goes without saying that she’s not the least bit bothered by seeing the dead body of a guy she knew.

Back in her room, she consults her new book and finds a reference to something called “the Cold Ones”. Cold One. Cullen. Coldone. Cullen. Try saying them together. Wry laughter is optional but entirely appropriate.

Having gleaned exactly two words and a picture from the book, Bella goes crawling back to her old sweetheart Google and searches for “cold one”. She immediately gets all sorts of results about various mythical monsters that eat people. This eventually leads her to all sorts of pictures, and words that start to highlight themselves magically! Words like “undead”, “speed”, “strength”, etc. The epilepsy-inducing CG effects traumatise Bella into flashing back to various impossible things Edward’s done. You know, like being really fast and strong. And cold. And, y’know, dead.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

Dude, I love Apotampkin and the Cold Ones! I have all their albums!

Caption contributed by Jet

The twihards deny their secret ritual slaughter of haters, but everyone knows it’s true.

Eventually, the flashback montage leads her to one word: vampire. Then she has a vision of a clip from Interview with the Vampire. Except she’s the victim being bitten in the clip.

Caption contributed by Jet

The Vampire Lestat gets his cameo at last.

Somehow, all this very modern and arty visual exposition makes Bella fall asleep, because we cut to her tossing and turning in bed. Does anyone really do this when they’re asleep?


[removed by request]

Multi-Part Article: Twilight (2008)

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