Twilight (2008) (part 4 of 9)

Having blown off yet another guy who hasn’t got a hope in hell of ever scoring with her, Bella heads off on the class trip. This is to a random greenhouse somewhere, and the biology teacher (who appears to be the only teacher in the entire school) gives the students a way too enthusiastic speech about the delights of compost. I gotta admit, though, that his enthusiasm for his subject matter is kind of sweet.

Bella catches up with Edward, who asks her why she’s going out of town. She gets cranky with him for listening in on her, and then basically says “screw you; you don’t answer any of my questions”. You go, girl! He keeps clumsily trying to interact with her, but blows it when she slips, and he yells at her to watch where she’s going. He instantly apologises, saying he’s being rude all the time for a reason, but Jessica runs up before he can explain why, and he clears off while Bella is told that, yes, Mike asked Jessica to the prom. I bet she’ll be thrilled when she finds out she was second on the list.

Caption contributed by Jet

“Yeah, so… you looking forward to doing those sex scenes in Breaking Dawn or what?”

Outside, Eric has a worm on a stick, which he tries to scare Bella with, but once again she’s too busy being annoyed by Edward. He tells her that he shouldn’t be friends with her, and she gets upset and asks why he didn’t just let her get crushed. Edward then blows her off (again), and leaves. He’s a real charmer, isn’t he?

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Cut to Bella’s house, for yet another awkward scene between her and Charlie. It doesn’t establish any important information or serve any purpose whatsoever, except to give Charlie and his Moustache some more screen time. So I say go ahead, damn it!

It’s really quite annoying how the movie keeps trying to develop the relationship between Bella and Charlie, because it never really goes anywhere, and you never really do see them connect. It’d probably be a complete waste, except for the fact that Charlie is awesome.

At lunch the next day, Bella spots the Cullens at their usual table. They’re partaking in some [inaudible dialogue], but it’s obvious that Edward is bitching about something. Bella resignedly heads off to join the people who are actually nice to her. As always, the friends are being whacky and cool. Tyler has apparently joined them, and Eric is going on about how they’re planning a trip to La Push. This is the reservation where Jacob lives, and the friends are planning a surfing trip to the beach there. Bella agrees to go.

Over at the self-serve table, Bella is busy arranging some fruit and celery in a bowl (don’t ask me why). She’s interrupted by Edward. Taken by surprise, she drops an apple. But luckily, Peter Park—um, Edward, catches it with supernatural dexterity and flicks it up into his hands in order to recreate the famous cover of the source novel. Har har.

Caption contributed by Jet

I have nothing to add here.

He starts being awkwardly nice to her, but gets a standoffish reception. Bella treats us to this wonderful line.

Bella: You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.

Man, you too, Bella?

Edward, though, persists by saying that even though he said they shouldn’t be friends, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want them to be. The thing is, he explains, that if she was smart she’d stay away from him. Bella says, “Let’s just say that I’m not smart.”


She asks him—again—for the truth. Edward dodges it—again—by saying he’d rather hear her theories. Since she’s in a movie, Bella tells him she’s thought of various comic book characters. Edward “ominously” says that those characters are all “superheroes”—but he’s the bad guy. Yeah, you can really taste the pure danger in that declaration. The fear is just making my throat close up, everyone. Oh, wait—that’s just my dumb dialogue allergy flaring up.

Bella tells him he’s not the bad guy, because she can just tell. Yeah, he’s been so nice and friendly to her so far, right? She tells him his nastiness is just a mask to keep people away, and she’s not buying it. My first reaction was to be bemused that she’d still want to get close to him after all this faintly menacing behaviour, but in retrospect I’ve decided this bit is actually pretty funny. Edward’s not the least bit scary or dangerous, and he just got called on it.

Bella tells the newly emasculated vampire that they should just… hang out.

She asks him to come to the beach with her and her friends, and try out the whole “fun” thing. He asks which beach, and upon learning it’s La Push, he declines. When pressed, he claims it’s “too crowded”.

Cut to the beach, which is completely deserted. It also looks utterly miserable. Edward’s reasons for not wanting to come are instantly clear: he didn’t want to freeze his balls off.

Some of Bella’s friends are getting ready to surf. Bella and Hispanic Girl (her name is Angela), are relaxing in Tyler’s van. Angela is talking about how she keeps waiting for Eric to ask her to the prom but he hasn’t. Bella makes an interesting suggestion: why doesn’t she ask him? Angela seems surprised by this, and Bella gives her a little pep talk about how she’s a strong, independent woman who’s got every right to ask a guy out.

I should probably add that Bella delivers all of her lines to her friends in a flat, distracted voice, and often doesn’t even look at them when they’re talking. Which is… well, what d’you know, that’s exactly how a lot of real teenagers act when they’re in the “self conscious” phase. Amazing.

Just then, who should come along but Jacob! He’s with two of his equally long-haired friends, and they come straight up to Bella to say hello (y’know, I’ve seen pictures of the guy playing Jacob with his regular hair, and he looks way cuter).

Bella introduces Jacob to her friends, and gives him a raspberry Twizzler. Jessica mentions that Bella’s in a funk because she asked Edward along and got rejected. Mike, by the way, has a very amusing “jealous” reaction when he finds out Bella tried to get herself a date. Jessica (obviously wanting Bella to keep away from her man), says it’s a good thing she asked Edward to come, since no one ever includes him. Mike sourly says that Edward’s “a freak”, and gets an agreement from one of Jacob’s friends.

Bella asks if they know him, and Jacob’s friend says that the Cullens “don’t come here” in a very final tone. Jacob, meanwhile, looks vaguely unsettled.

Later on, Bella walks down the beach with Jacob, and asks him what that was all about. He’s cagey, but Bella easily persuades him with a smile. Completely charmed, Jacob tells her the story.

Caption contributed by Jet

Sometimes dreams, they don’t come true/I was scared of that when I met you/I stayed patient and I was kind/Tellin’ you to take your time…

Apparently, his tribe, the Quileutes, are supposedly “descended from wolves”. (But they’re not werewolves.) Fade into some sepia-toned flashbacks, where we see the Quileutes running through a forest with a pack of huskies—um, wolves. Jacob explains that the Cullens are supposedly descended from some rival tribe. In the Sepia Flashback, the Cullens are grouped together around a dead deer, wearing adorable old-timey clothes. They’re interrupted by the wolf-headdress-wearing Quileutes, one of whom Jacob claims was his great-grandfather, the chief. Supposedly, Great-Granddad caught the Cullens “hunting” on his land. But they “claimed to be something different”, and so the Quileutes made an agreement with them. The Cullens would stay off their land, and in return the Quileutes would keep the secret of what they really were from “the pale faces”. I’m pretty sure Jacob’s use of this term is meant to be a joke, but I’m really not sure. I’m sure you Yanks can fill me in on how outdated/racist/wrong it may or may not be.

Caption contributed by Jet

“’Scuse us, we’re just on our way to Beaver Dam to get these stupid kids…”

Caption contributed by Jet

Yeah, that’s not silly and/or stereotyped at all.

Bella points out that the Cullens are supposed to have just moved to Forks recently, but Jacob suggests that maybe they just moved back.

A scream breaks into the conversation, but it’s just Bella’s friends fooling around. Bella asks Jacob for more information about what the Cullens really are, but he shrugs it off as just a story.

Cut to a boathouse. Here, the creepy looking guy from the diner is alone working on his moored boat, while listening to some out-of-date music. He’s also drinking whiskey, which along with the furtive camera angles marks him as today’s victim.

After your standard false starts and nervous looking around from Creepy Victim Guy, he’s waylaid by a hot redheaded girl wearing a sheepskin poncho. Somehow, despite the poncho, she still looks smokin’. Creepy Victim Guy primes himself up to hit on her—this despite the fact that she’s holding his revving boat in place with one hand—but stops when someone else leaps onto the deck behind him. He turns, and there is—

Ooooh my gaaaawds…

Hold your horses, everyone, it’s him! He’s here! It’s the number one, no contest, hottest guy in the movie!

Caption contributed by Jet

Oh yeah baby, you know what I like.

I’ll admit, I’m biased because I rather like scruffy guys, but damn. I would never, ever hit on this dude if I met him in real life, but watching him in this movie is pure sex appeal. He’s got long hair like a rock star, and a shoeless hippy thing going on. He also gets some menacing lines as he and the redhead start to threaten their designated victim.

Caption contributed by Jet

Creepy Boat Guy faces the worst fate of all: Death by Sexy.

At this point, another guy suddenly zips onto the boat. He’s a Jamaican-accented dude wearing an awesome lace cravat. Jamaican Cravat Guy tells “James” not to play with his food. James! That’s his name! James the Rock Star Vampire. Aw yeah.

And then, the three vampires chow down.

Back to Bella in her room. Okay, brace yourselves, everyone. I think it’s time we all thought back to the last movie I recapped. What did the protagonist of The Seeker do when faced with a conundrum? Why, the same thing everyone does, of course! The same thing Bella does here, too.


Bella searches for “Quileute legends”, and the All-Knowing Google points her in the direction of a bunch of websites. I paused on this screen, and noticed one of the sites is called “”. I’ve got some flip-flops. They’ve got Homer Simpson on ’em.

Caption contributed by Jet/The Mud Puppy

“‘Legends of the Slapping Beaver’? I just know that’s gonna be furry porn.”

Ah, but Bella is a little more sophisticated than Alexander Ludwig. She selects a “book search” result, and jots down the title, and then finds the address of a bookshop in Port Angeles where she can get it. That’s right, girl! That upstart Google might think it knows everything, but books will never be phased out. Never!


[removed by request]

Multi-Part Article: Twilight (2008)

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