Twilight (2008) (part 3 of 9)

Cut to later. Bella, Charlie, and the Moustache are having dinner at a local diner. Here the waitress takes the opportunity to tell Bella how good-looking she is. Fuck, even the middle-aged women in this town find her hot! Now that’s just wrong.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“Hey, Dad? How long before I can grow a sweet ’stache like yours?”

They’re also briefly intruded upon by a frankly creepy-looking bald guy who reminds Bella that he played Santa once when she was four. He then leaves, now that we know he exists.

That night at Bella’s new home, she’s up in her room talking to her mother on the phone. And—wow, there are some really cool little dragonfly-shaped fairy lights just behind her! I want them! Oh, fine, I’ll get on with it.

Bella quickly deduces that her poor scatterbrained mum is using a payphone, and Mum explains that she’s lost her mobile—argh, her cell phone charger. Because she’s so scatterbrained. We wouldn’t want you to forget that or anything, guys. It’s really important that this minor side character beat us over the head with her one personality trait every time we see her.

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“Sorry about leaving you in Forks, honey, but as soon as I get Jack Bauer off my trail we can be together again!”

Anyway, Mum then goes on to ask about the new school, and Bella haltingly says that everyone’s been… very… welcoming. Mum deduces that something’s up, because Kristen Stewart is actually acting here, and replies with, “Oh dear, tell me all about it.” Give the movie another point for making me chuckle.

Bella brushes her off with the old homework excuse, and we enter—brace yourselves—another musical montage!

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A brooding song called “Eyes on Fire” kicks in, and the dread voiceover returns, telling us that Bella planned to confront Edward about the stick in his arse (ass. Whatever). But though the rest of the Cullens show up in their cool little jeep, Edward is a no-show. Bella meanwhile is seen acting like the near-mute detached weirdo we remember so fondly from the books, ignoring her oblivious friends because she’s too busy staring at the camera and looking somehow ghostly and puppy-like at the same time. Aw, she’s such a sweetie.

“Things were getting a little… weird,” she notes, before we head on over to a power plant. A lone worker runs through some passages and out into the open, pursued by some anonymous people. They chase him down and messily kill him, albeit with the camera at a safe distance. This is shot a lot like the deer hunt in the opening, which is a nice touch, but what the hell? Where did that come from? One moment we’re watching a harmless, if vapid teen movie, and the next we’re watching a clip out of a very tame horror movie? WTF?

Caption contributed by Jet

Bob the Builder finally loses it.

The answer, of course, is that the director and/or scriptwriter realised that the introduction of dangerous vampires right at the end of the story was a very poor idea, pacing-wise, and so decided to add some scenes like this to establish their existence earlier on. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really fit, but it’s still something of an improvement, and at least suggests that something exciting might happen later on. Eventually.

Next day, Bella is coming out of her house when she steps on a patch of ice and falls flat on her backside. That Bella, she so whacky.

Caption contributed by Jet

Yet another of Bella’s attempts to become an interesting person falls flat on its backside.

Charlie helps her up, before letting her know that he’s going to be late for dinner because he has to investigate the death of the worker, who’s apparently been killed by “some kind of animal”.

Bella heads for school in the middle of a thunderstorm. Inside, Eric is about to ask her to go to the prom with him, but gets interrupted, and Bella charmingly just walks off because she’s noticed that—gasp—Edward’s back! And he still looks like he’s got a cactus stuck where cacti shouldn’t go!

Caption contributed by Jet

“C’mon, Bella, jump for the snack!”

She sits down next to him (the gods alone know why he didn’t just switch places with someone else), and this is when we finally get our long awaited Meet Cute. Edward introduces himself—very haltingly—and then proceeds to stare at her for way too long. He and Bella then have to look at some slides under a microscope. Amusingly, Bella literally glances down the scope before proclaiming that whatever’s in the slide is “prophase”. Because she really looks like the academically gifted sort, doesn’t she?

Caption contributed by The Mud Puppy

“Now look, no making killer mutant death babies in my classroom, understood?”

Edward now starts his movie-long habit of being weird and vaguely unsettling, when he asks Bella if she likes all the rain. She says no, because she doesn’t like “any cold, wet thing”. For some reason, Edward has a good chuckle over this.

Yeah, yeah, he just thought something perverted. You don’t have to tell me.

Bella, of course, doesn’t get it at all. Because she’s a thickhead.

Edward moves on to ask her why she moved to Forks, and some stiff and awkward dialogue ensues. Although, to the movie’s credit, it’s obviously intended that way. We get a close-up of Edward’s eyes and see that they’re a sort of yellow-brown colour. Or as Meyer put it, topaz.

Caption contributed by Jet

Woah, I think the left side of his face just aged 20 years.

Mr. Weird Eyes keeps pace with Bella after they leave, interrogating her and acting in such an uncomfortable manner that I’d swear he had Asperger’s Syndrome. Bella quite naturally thinks this is weird and asks him what’s up with the questions, whereupon he tells her that he’s trying to “figure [her] out” because she’s “difficult to read”.

Yeah, that’s not conspicuous at all, you pasty-faced Dracula wannabe.

Bella, looking at him, has noticed the weird eye colour and asks what’s up, because last time she saw him his eyes were black.

You know, people really don’t notice each others’ eye colour that easily. Ask me the eye-colour of any of my acquaintances, or even one of my distant family members, and I probably wouldn’t know. But maybe that’s just me.

Edward stammers half an excuse before beating a hasty retreat. Damn, and after he took so much care to make himself look normal!

Outside, Bella is busy fiddling around with her bag on the bonnet—ugh, the hood—of her truck. Nearby, the black kid we saw earlier loses control of his van and skids toward her. She’s about to be turned into a Bella-waffle when Edward appears out of nowhere, jumps in the way and stops the van with his bare hands. One bare hand, in fact.

Caption contributed by Jet

Insert obvious joke about “stopping traffic”.

He and Bella exchange a long look before he hops over her truck and disappears.

Everyone comes rushing over, as—oh boy!—my absolute favourite song on the soundtrack kicks in. It’s called “Tremble for My Beloved” and it rules. Unfortunately, it only lasts about half a minute, and ends before the lyrics kick in. Screw you, movie!

Bella, meanwhile, is such a blank slate that she just stands there and stares while everyone is freaking out, despite the fact that she came within inches of death and should be going into shock or at least hyperventilating a bit. What is it with this girl? Anything that’s not undead and totally gorgeous can’t even get a reaction out of her!

Naturally, she winds up in hospital (not the psychiatric ward, unfortunately), where Charlie and the Moustache are mightily pissed off. Tyler, the black kid with the van, is there too, but gets short shrift from Charlie while the Moustache demands to know if Bella’s okay, and very reasonably points out that she could have been killed, so whyyyyy won’t she change that facial expression?

They’re interrupted by the arrival of a hot blond doctor who’s incredibly pale. This, of course, is Doctor Cullen, and if anything, he looks even younger than his supposed offspring. He’s friendly, though, as he gives Bella a quick going-over and instantly proclaims that she’s going to be fine. Bella mentions that she’s got Edward to thank for saving her arse. Doctor Cullen barely blinks, even though he must know his adopted son just majorly screwed up.

In the corridor outside, Bella happens across Edward with Rosalie and Doctor Cullen. For centuries-old vampires, they aren’t too bright, because they’re arguing about how Edward risked their secrecy and doing it right there in public. Rosalie in particular looks pissed off, especially when she spots Bella. She and Dr. Cullen quickly clear off, leaving Bella to get up in Edward’s face, demanding to know how he saved her. He tries to sidestep her insistence that he did something supernatural, and when that doesn’t work, he coldly tells her that nobody’s going to believe her.

Caption contributed by Jet

Why dois your sword so drip with blood, Edward, Edward/Why dois your sword so drip with blood, And why so glad, my son?

Bella says she wasn’t going to tell anyone, but she just wants to know the truth. “Can’t you just thank me and get over it?” Edward growls. She says no, and he tells her he hopes she enjoys disappointment, and stalks off.

I just know I’m going to run out of synonyms for “walking in an angry fashion” before this recap is done.

Cut to that night, and Edward is standing in the corner of Bella’s room, silently watching her sleep. She wakes up, and there’s no-one there. (The first time around I accidently typed “she wanks up”, which is a pretty appropriate mistake to make since a deleted scene on the DVD reveals that she was having a sex dream about Edward. Teehee!)

Caption contributed by Jet

No, there’s nothing creepy about being in a girl’s room uninvited in the middle of the night. Why do you ask?

Back at school, the class is preparing to leave on a trip to somewhere. Bella is by her truck, busy being distracted by a flashback of Edward saving her. But then who should show up but Mike. He nervously asks her to the prom, but Bella is so completely rude that she looks past him to where Edward is standing and actually makes Mike’s voice fade out on the soundtrack.

Caption contributed by Jet

Sorry, Mike, but the camera’s not interested in you either. Tough break.

She comes to, and finds the poor sap trying not to wet himself while asking her what her answer is, and then acts all confused because she wasn’t paying attention. What a bitch.

Bella quickly lies and says she’s going to be out of town during the prom, but tells Mike to ask Jessica instead, because Jessica’s dying to go with him. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the Mark of the Sue right here. She’s lusted after by everyone and their dog, but she sets her sights on her One True Love and plays matchmaker for everyone else.


[removed by request]

Multi-Part Article: Twilight (2008)

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