Twilight (2008) (part 1 of 9)

The Cast of Characters:
Kristen Stewart as Bella SwanBella Swan (Kristen Stewart). Our protagonist, who manages to narrate the entire movie without ever developing a personality. But check out that booty! Right, guys?
Robert Pattinson as Edward CullenEdward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). A vampire. I can’t really think of anything to say about him, so I’ll just quote dear sweet R-Patz himself: “The more I read about this guy the more I hated him, so that’s how I played him—as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus he’s a hundred-year-old virgin, so he’s obviously got some issues there.” I went to see the movie in the first place precisely because of the huge love that quote gave me for him. So did a lot of people, in fact.
Billy Burke as Charlie SwanCharlie Swan (Billy Burke). Bella’s dad, obviously. Has an awesome moustache. Unlike in the book, Charlie and his moustache actually have something relevant to do. Plus they get some of the best lines.
Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser as The CullensThe Cullens (Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser). Edward’s not-Mormon-like-at-all vampire family. They’re all pale and incredibly hot, because Meyerpires (as the haters call them) are all hot. And pale. And sparkly. Did I mention sparkly?
Anna Kendrick, Michael Welch, Christian Serratos, Justin Chon as Bella's FriendsBella’s Friends (Anna Kendrick, Michael Welch, Christian Serratos, Justin Chon). I would dearly like to shake Ms. Hardwicke’s hand for the way she handled these guys. Personalities! Senses of humour! Character development! Believeability! Of all the characters in the Twilight universe, they’re the ones who got the most obvious overhaul, and it’s all for the good. I want these guys as my friends.
Taylor Lautner as Jacob BlackJacob Black (Taylor Lautner). A local Native American who has the hots for Bella (hey, everyone does). Doesn’t do that much except provide some exposition and hang around patiently waiting for the sequel. Also, he’s totally not a werewolf. No, those prominent canines and all the “my tribe is meant to be descended from wolves isn’t that funny?” dialogue don’t mean anything. No, all those other in-dialogue clues don’t mean anything either. He’s not a werewolf. Shut up.

Before I start, I’d just like to say a big thanks to forum member The Mud Puppy, who was kind enough to provide the screencaps for this. You guys should thank him too, since his input meant this recap could get to you that much faster. I’d also like to thank all the people who PM’d me with advice and encouragement—I was amazed by just how many people were eager for me to do this recap. It was my pleasure, honestly. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed doing a recap this much.

And now, onto Twilight.

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Arya

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Multi-Part Article: Twilight (2008)

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  • Hannah

    Hilarious; read the whole thing. Nice work!

  • Ben

    Your “rusty old red ute” comment really confused me at first, since the Ute are an American Indian people (after whom Utah is named), which made it sound like you were being really racist (red Indians, etc). I guess in other parts of the world it’s slang for a truck?

  • Tatiana

    Alice Cooper lyrics on the caption = Win.