TV Show: Riverdale

Riverdale: Death diner for cutie

I have only one thing to say about the townspeople of Riverdale: these hoes ain’t loyal. Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe has been open since the 1950s and it’s the local hangout for kids and adults alike. But you have one little…

Riverdale: Daddy in a coma

“Our story is not over,” begins Jughead’s narration for the season 2 premiere of Riverdale. Hell yeah, it isn’t! Welcome to the town where there’s creepy wig rooms, strange obsessions with maple syrup, dramatic funerals, and an absurd amount…

Riverdale: We can be heroes

Why does the Blossom family take their maple syrup so seriously? Why did they have their super elaborate maple tapping ceremony at the beginning of winter when any New Englander knows that maple syrup season begins at the end of…

Riverdale: Homecomings and goings

Welcome back (again) to Riverdale! These random CW hiatuses are killing me and I don’t understand the logic behind them. Are they trying to drag out the final episodes? Accommodating standardized testings for their teen viewers? Or did they simply…

Riverdale: Party like an angsty teen

In the aftermath of Jason’s murder, Jughead notes that the town has realized that there is no such thing as control, only chaos. Intercut with scenes of our clean-cut All-American teen leads are scenes from a wild party. The party…

Riverdale: Baby on Board

Hello, everyone! Welcome back to Riverdale, where there’s only one high school and one restaurant but there’s an Uber service that will take you to teen nightclubs. As much as I like ragging on Riverdale and its strange economy, I…

Riverdale: Daddy Lessons

I can’t even make fun of this week’s pretentious narration because we opened with a dream sequence where all the Riverdale characters are dressed like their retro counterparts. Jughead is even wearing his crown hat! But like all dream sequences,…

Riverdale: Who's a rock star? I am!

Jughead tells us that fear is the most basic human emotion. You know what’s basic? These stupid narrations. Part of what keeps me from taking this show seriously is Jughead’s wannabe Truman Capote narrations. He doesn’t even have a good…

Riverdale: Four Subplots and a Funeral

I almost entitled this recap “Funeral Flowers in the Attic” because we got heavy really heavy on the Blossom family and their campy, possibly incestuous ways. They live in a Gothic mansion called “Thornhill” and the Blossom women appear to…

Riverdale: Cool motive, still illegal

Jughead is upset that the local drive-in, where he works part-time, is closing. Jughead’s narration tries to justify that the drive in theater is needed now more than ever due to the negative atmosphere created by Jason Blossom’s death. Jughead,…

Riverdale: #JusticeForEthel

Jughead’s dumb narrations get dumber with every episode. This week, he spouts off a grocery list of opposites. Good versus evil, light versus dark, etc. Wow. So deep. Much pretentious. Anyway, Cheryl admits that she lied in her original statement.…

Riverdale: Archie's Weird Mystery

Archie Comics are heading to TV with a CW teen drama/mystery which is like Pretty Little Liars meets Twin Peaks, minus the weird, supernatural stuff. So this is just Pretty Little Liars on the CW with Archie characters. There’s already…