Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 5 of 11)

Things get worse when Wang babbles about needing Sam’s help, and talking about the dark side of the moon (which doesn’t actually exist. There’s one side we never see, but it gets sunlight), and then before the terrified face of Sam, he unzips and pulls down his pants. Then he whips out, from a thigh holster, what he calls his “manifesto,” and proceeds to wave it front of Sam’s face.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger

“It rubs the paper on its face. It does this whenever it’s told.”

There’s then a pointless scene where Wang and Sam come out of the stall and, of course, Bruce is there watching. Wang makes some weird comments and Sam retreats to his desk.

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Now I’d like to point out that while it might have been necessary to get Sam the information he now has, there had to be other, more interesting ways to do so. Certainly less offensively stupid ones. Still, the scenes served a purpose and moved the plot forward, so I guess I can’t edit them away, much as I’d like to.

Sam looks over the papers he was handed, which turn out to be about murdered rocket scientists and the like. He tries to go confront Wang, but it turns out that Wang is being attacked by his mouse. He spews several anti-gay remarks at Sam, who eventually leaves. This leaves Wang alone with Laserbeak.

He briefly exchanges words with the Decepticon, and is told by Laserbeak that he’s been ordered to “suicide” Wang. In other words, kill him and make it look like suicide. Wang takes understandable exception to this and whips out two pistols, threatening to shoot Laserbeak.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 5 of 11)

This does not end well for him, as Laserbeak grabs him, drops into a chair and throws him out a window to his death. Okay, so convincing suicide, right? Problem solved? Everyone believes it to be a suicide, including Bruce, who proves his status a firm T2BM by telling everyone to get back to work, saying that looking out the window at the corpse won’t bring Wang back to life. “You’ve all heard of Humpty-Dumpty,” he says, just to prove how much of a T2BM he really is.

Anyhow, so convincing suicide, and all the tracks are covered. Which doesn’t explain why Laserbeak proceeds to start attacking the office, probably killing several people and chasing after Sam who manages to escape by… actually, I have no idea. He’s on the run from Laserbeak, and then suddenly he’s in his car with no explanation of how he got away. Don’t believe me? The two shots follow one after the other.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 5 of 11)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 5 of 11)

You explain it, because I can’t.

Anyhow, Sam drives to NEST headquarters where the guards have no interest in letting him in. He talks very fast to them for a few seconds, tries to rush the gate and then spends several more seconds screaming like a little bitch.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger

You sure do got a purty lil’ mouth there, Sam…

Sam tries to fight back and gets slammed down onto the ground. Just as he’s probably about to be taken in for questioning, Bumblebee (who of course, still can’t talk, despite having his voice box fixed at the end of the first movie) turns up. Sam is of course pleased to see his old friend and grateful that he’s saved him from all sorts of possibly unpleasant questions.

Oh, wait, I tell a lie. Instead he picks that exact moment to tear into Bumblebee, doing the old Jewish mother bit of, “Oh, look at you, Mister Hotshot Robot. You have time to go save the world, but do you have time to phone your best friend?” God, what an annoying fuck. Have I mentioned how really unlikeable Sam is in this movie?

Sam gets led into the secret base, where we hear Mearing talking about how all the pillars have been recovered and how everyone is looking forward to a chat with Sentinel Prime. She then runs into Sam and proceeds to browbeat Lennox for bringing him to her. Then she threatens Sam, saying he will do time for treason if he talks about what’s going on. Good thing for him he hasn’t been shooting his mouth off to everyone throughout the film, eh?

Fortunately for Sam and Carly, they’ve turned up just in time to see Optimus use the Matrix of Leadership to revive Sentinel Prime who, as soon as he’s awake, attacks Optimus. Good thing they didn’t think to disarm him before waking him up, eh?

Sentinel quickly calms down and is less than happy to hear the news of the Autobots losing the war and most of the pillars. Mearing asks some sensible questions about the pillars and what they do, only to have Sentinel haughtily explain that they defy “…your laws of physics.”

Now, hang on here. This guy has just been revived after, for all he knows, centuries of being unconscious. Even if he knew where human scientific development was fifty years ago, how does he know about it now?

Anyhow, it turns out that the pillars create a space bridge kind of thingy. Mearing freaks out at this, considering the possibility of bombs and the like being delivered by transporter. Soon she and Sentinel are in a major pissing contest with each other.

Once that’s done, Mearing hustles Sam and Carly off to her office and proceeds to tell him that he’ll have some Autobot protection for now, and otherwise, to just basically go away. He tries to show off, saying he has a medal from the President, which she completely ignores. Then she makes it clear that the government neither needs nor wants his help. Sam then goes home to sulk.

Now, sadly, it’s time to visit with Agent Seymour Simmons, back again. It turns out he’s been a busy fellow in the last two years, and wrote a book about the Autobots. As we see him, he’s in a palatial mansion being interviewed by Bill O’Reilly. There’s a man in the background busy doing work on the place. Why he isn’t just asked to leave the room before taping starts is beyond me, but it turns out he needs to be there so Simmons has someone to scream at and be distracted by.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 5 of 11)

The interview goes poorly, with O’Reilly saying that most people want the Autobots to just go away. Simmons starts ranting, the building worker does his thing, and the interview grinds to a halt. Then Simmons’ aide, Dutch, comes out to throw everyone out of the building, telling them that the police have already been called. Fast work, that.

Now I can’t really go forward without saying something about Dutch. First off, I’m not sure why the character exists or what his purpose in the film is, other than to wear a suit that looks as though it was made from someone’s couch.

Caption contributed by The Wily Badger

Ah, Justin Bieber singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”! My life is complete!

At a couple points we get the impression he’s a former assassin and computer hacker, but nothing about the way the character behaves makes either of those things really plausible. He seems, at his core, to be a weird hybrid between a T2BM and a T3BM, and mostly, like many of the rest of the characters and, indeed, the movie itself, is essentially just a very large BM.

Multi-Part Article: Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

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