Jun 20, 2017
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 2 of 11)
Anyhow, it turns out that this ass belongs to Carly, Sam Witwicky’s newest, insanely hot girlfriend, who has the same name as Spike’s girlfriend in the G1 series. I’ll give Bay credit, because at least this particular actress doesn’t give me the same reaction that Megan Fox did, i.e.: I wanted to hose her down because she looked kind of sticky.
Carly and Sam live in a DC apartment or house or something. It’s this gigantic, rundown place with high ceilings so that the Autobots can come visit.
Carly wakes up Sam and gives him a rabbit. That’s not a euphemism or anything, which is somewhat of a surprise.
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It turns out that the rabbit is meant to be a good-luck charm for Sam, who, despite having been out of college for something like three whole months still doesn’t have a job, and is forced to live a life of desperation, stuck with a hot girlfriend, a free Ivy League diploma and a huge apartment. Yeah, we should all have his problems.
It’s worth saying a few words at this point about Sam. In the first movie, he was your basic everyday high school geek, and I liked him. There was something there I could hold on to, and empathize with. But he began to lose his charm in the second movie, and by this movie, it’s entirely gone. All he does in this film is whine about how horrible his life is and how pissed he is that the government won’t give him a job working with the Autobots.
In fact, in this very scene, he starts complaining about how the government hasn’t hooked him up with a job, and I have to say, as much as I dislike his character for the way he bitches, he does have something of a point. He did help save the world twice. One would think the government could find something for him to do, even if it wasn’t working with the Autobots.
Anyhow, Carly mentions that Sam got a “hero medal”, and we go to a flashback in the White House where Obama hands him what I’m pretty sure is the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Sam makes an idiotic face in the photo of this happening and then leaves the Oval Office to show his new thing to his parents.
Outside, he meets Carly who apparently is there because… I’m not really sure. Sam looks at her and does the “gun finger” business, which she naturally melts for, because women are totally like that. Sam then proceeds to act like a total douche, waving around his medal and telling her that “POTUS” gave it to him, which one would think would be obvious under the circumstances. Then he leans on a small table which collapses for no reason.
Other than showing how he and Carly met, this scene accomplishes nothing, and it makes her look really stupid, because you’d have to be pretty dumb (or high) to want to hook up with someone acting like he does.
Back in the apartment, Carly is trying to explain to Sam that there’s a recession and a lot of people are out of work. He ignores this comment and talks about how his parents are expected to show up soon. We see pictures of them on a fridge, which had a name that made me smile.
Carly makes a cringe-inducing comment about giving Sam a job, and the two begin making out. Then Carly looks down and screams because she sees one of the smaller Transformers, in this case one named Brains, who along with Wheelie lives at Sam and Carly’s place and sounds quite a bit like Beavis. I wish that was a joke. Carly mentions that she found him in her underwear drawer recently, so yet again we have a woman so hot, even robots want to fuck her.
Carly leaves for work as Sam blunders about a bit with Brains and Wheelie, then heads outside to find his parents have arrived early, driving a giant bus and wearing matching clothes. Well, with them on the scene, I think we can look forward to some lovely inappropriate bullshit between the two of them in front of their son.
They seem to be excited at the notion that he might be dressed up for his job, but he makes it clear that he’s dressed up for job hunting. They seem to think it’s astonishing that someone right out of college wouldn’t have work, and follow him as he goes to the garage where we find out he drives a Datsun that looks quite a bit like Bumblebee, but isn’t. He can’t start it, so his parents offer to drive him around in the rather nice car they’re towing behind their bus.
From this scene of domestic bliss, we go to a shot of Washington, DC, and Optimus telling us about how things have changed and there’s now energon detectors everywhere. Also, the Autobots are apparently now engaging in covert military operations for the US government. Currently they’re engaged in one in the Middle East. We know that because of this picture.
Notice how they don’t mention the country? Probably some sort of effort at being sensitive and not offending people of one particular country or something. But then seconds later they show the Iranian flag.
Ah, well. At least they didn’t have the same geography errors as in the last film. If that were the case, we’d have Washington, DC, in Russia and Iran in London.
The Autobots drive toward a checkpoint, and the guards prove to be too stupid to live when they fail to notice that the convertible in the convoy has no driver. The Autobots attack and kill a large number of people. But that’s okay, because these people are Arabs and we all know Arabs is evil! And yes, I’m aware that Iranians are Persians, not Arabs, but I’m willing to bet most of the rest of the audience doesn’t know and doesn’t care.
This scene, like many of the scenes in this movie, adds nothing to the plot. By my count it runs about 90 seconds. The movie’s overall run time is 2 hours, 34 minutes and 12 seconds. You know what might be fun? I’m going to see how short I can make this movie by removing everything that doesn’t add to the plot. Fun times!