May 29, 2018
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 10 of 11)
Anyhow, the snake-bot does its job and knocks down the upper part of the building, and for reasons I cannot pin down, this always puts me in mind of Inception, though there’s no reason it should.
And I can’t let this go without mentioning the other thing this reminds me of; the more real world thing. Lots of papers and office supplies falling out of collapsing buildings. Well done, Michael Bay. There’s no joke here. Just sadness.
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As the building falls onto another building, it lands in just the most perfect way for our heroes to escape. They do so, as Optimus flies in wearing some sort of wing arrangement. He kills the snake thing and then… er… ends up caught in a bunch of steel cables and hanging upside down for a large portion of time.
No, that isn’t a joke.
Back up at the tower, Sentinel tells the Decepticons to launch their pillars. We get several shots of this, and then follow Epps and his team as they try to reposition their attack. As they do so, they get attacked and Sam and Carly get separated from them, and soon are being attacked by Starscream who spits and drools as he attacks them. You know, as robots tend to.
Starscream taunts, spits and chases Sam and Carly through a scene of Waste Management product placement [?!], and then Sam remembers his Batman-esque grappling hook. He fires it off and it hits Starscream right in the face, pulling out, but not detaching, one of his eyes.
Starscream starts panicking and screaming, basically coming off as a Dalek with a damaged eyestalk, and then begins swinging Sam around.
Sam gets flung all over the place, and I’d like to point out that at the very least, he’d have several broken bones and probably lose his arm. Most likely he’d be dead from the amount of force with which he impacts into solid objects.
Sadly, before my dream of Sam’s long-deserved death can occur, the Lennox and his men show up, and about that same time, Sam remembers he has a bomb. He stabs the bomb into Starscream’s face and Lennox helps him get free. Then the bomb blows up, and that’s it for Starscream. This means he gets to exit the movie a full thirty minutes before the rest of us. Oh, yes, there’s still close to thirty minutes left in this film.
So, yeah, two humans basically just killed Starscream in hand-to-hand combat. Take that, fans of common sense!
Lennox, Sam and Carly head to a bridge, where conveniently they just happen to run into Epps and the NESTies. Even more conveniently, this is where the SEAL team arrives; coming up out of the water just as everyone is talking. Well, didn’t that just work out nice?
They’ve all got a problem in that they can’t get across the river to the building they need to shoot out. Well, the non-SEAL guys can’t. Presumably the folks who swim for a living probably can get over there just fine. I mean, they don’t have a rocket launcher, but someone else does, and I’m sure you can probably trust them with it.
But no, that doesn’t happen. Instead we go back to HQ where Dutch is hacking into the computer systems controlling the bridge and trying to lower it. Because Chicago not only has power, it still has internet access. Excellent.
We also learn that there’s several Tomahawk cruise missiles inbound and we learn that the Decepticons have captured several Autobots. This was done off-screen and it was apparently done while the humans were just standing around watching, since Bumblebee is one of the captured, and the time he would have been taken was when he was with the humans.
Anyhow, we see Lennox giving instructions to the SEALs to aim for the eyes, and then we see Sentinel Prime monologueing and saying, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
FUCK YOU, MICHAEL BAY AND THE FUCKING HORSE YOU FUCKING RODE IN ON, YOU GODDAMN MINDLESS HACK!
And fuck you to the writers who wrote it and fuck you to Nimoy for saying it.
This was one of the most important, most pivotal points in the entire Star Trek franchise, and Michael Bay and company just did… this… to it. Someone must pay.
Anyhow, Dutch gets the bridge lowered at about the same time as the space bridge opens. Cybertron begins to poke through and we see Optimus is still stuck in the cables.
Dylan, meantime, has somehow managed to get to where the Decepticons are holding the prisoners, which he complains about them doing. Soundwave suggests trophies might be better, and they proceed to shoot Que. I don’t care even slightly about this, since this character has basically just been in the background and wasn’t even remotely established, but Bumblebee looks sad, so I know the movie wants me to feel something.
Soundwave gets ready to kill Bumblebee, and we see Shia trying to emote as he watches. This is the sort of scene that could have worked well, but doesn’t, and it gets resolved when a bunch of debris falls, knocking Soundwave off balance long enough for Bumblebee to whip around and kill him.
This sounds stupid, and it is, and it’s made even stupider by the fact that Wheelie and Brains are the ones who caused the debris to fall by hiding inside a Decepticon ship and pressing buttons that make it fall apart apparently.
The ship crashes in the river, and we go back to Epps and Lennox, who have come across what seems to be an entire battalion of foot soldiers. How they got into the city is something of a mystery.
So Lennox goes up to the top of a building and finds out that Shockwave is below him. He does the sensible thing and he and his men parachute out of the building as Epps’ crew shoots out the eyes of the Decepticons on the ground, thus making sure that the parachute guys are completely safe.
Epps’ men are quite busy during this. Not only did they shoot out the eyes, but they also apparently have a bunch of Ques exploding things, because they start blowing up Decepticons left and right. Good thing they never thought to use such tactics before, otherwise all these movies might have been quite a bit shorter.