Dec 14, 2017
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) (part 1 of 11)
The Cast of Characters:
Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf). Our “hero” from the first two movies, back yet again. This time he’s got an Ivy League diploma, a new, insanely hot girlfriend, and an astonishing new home. On the other hand, he doesn’t have a job, so we can totally empathize with him.
Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whitely). Sam’s new, insanely hot girlfriend, replacing the previous insanely hot girlfriend. Her primary role in this movie is… is… actually, I’m not sure. You could edit out every scene she’s in without making a difference. A role for a woman that’s about nothing but her looks? Must be a Michael Bay film.
Dylan Gould (Patrick Dempsey). A handsome, smart, rich CEO who clearly wants to sleep with Carly. No doubt he will end up being a heroic good-guy.
Charlotte Mearing (Frances McDormand). Director of National Intelligence. [ insert obligatory Fargo reference HERE ]
Seymour Simmons (John Turturro). Back again. I have no further thoughts on this, except to say that, blessedly, we don’t see his ass in this movie.
Jerry ”Deep” Wang (Ken Jeong). Just typing out that character’s name makes me feel depressed and annoyed. I’m going to go pop some happy-happy pills, and then finish this.
Ron and Judy Witwicky (Kevin Dunn and Julie White). Back again to annoy their son and make the audience cringe.
Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen). Everyone’s favorite Autobot is back to spout pompous statements on the nature of freedom and to teach the American government a lesson!
Bumblebee (voiced by your iPod’s playlist). Yep, he still can’t talk. In this movie, he gets so much verbal abuse from Sam that I expect his next film to be a Lifetime Original called Bumblebee: Silent Tears.
Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy). The original Spock, who, along with Frank Welker and Peter Cullen, was also in the original Transformers animated movie. I bet he’d like to forget that. I bet in retrospect he’d like to forget this, too.
Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving, though still not so you’d notice). Back again. This time instead of being irrelevant for 2/3 of the film, like in the first movie, and 3/4 of the film, like in the second, he’s irrelevant for almost the entire movie.
Laserbeak (Keith Szarabajka). Soundwave’s assassin, who has a far larger role to play in this movie than Megatron does. Sadly, that’s not a joke.