Top Three Movies I Saw Yesterday

Top Three Movies I Saw Yesterday

1. Captain Phillips (2013)

Tom Hanks is the captain of one of those giant container ships, but things turn all Black Hawk Down on him because he is in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some drama ensues, and then things turn all Zero Dark Thirty, the end.

This is a neat thriller that does everything right. Forget all the talk about Tom Hanks’ performance because the Somalis basically steal the show. Though they should totally give Catherine Keener an Oscar for her five minute cameo, just for the lulz.

Rating: Four dancing bananas!! banana

2. Runner Runner (2013)

My God this was a bad movie. With Justin Timberlake and Ben Affleck in a movie about gambling, I thought for sure this was going to be a cross between “Rounders” and “The Social Network” with maybe a little “Good Will Hunting” thrown in. No such luck.

A series of plot contrivances take Timberlake from Princeton to Costa Rica, where he meets diabolical big wheel Ben Affleck (Seriously, Ben Affleck? Were John Malkovich and Christopher Walken that busy?) Con-man becomes conned and back-stabbers stab back as Timberlake tries to wiggle out of his jam. There’s too much plot and not enough fun. Gemma Arterton doesn’t bring much to her role as love interest.

Rating: One headbang for sitting through this crap. banghead

3. Carrie (2013)

I went into this movie thinking that “Carrie” (1976) is probably the most uncalled-for remake imaginable, but before the movie started there was a preview for a remake of “Endless Love” (1981), so I was proved wrong. I was also wrong thinking that maybe Kimberly Peirce of “Boys Don’t Cry” (1999) fame might bring some kind of feminist re-imagining of the “Carrie” plot, as this is almost a shot-by-shot remake.

Chloe Grace Moretz is not as good as Sissy Spacek, Gabriella Wilde is not as good as Amy Irving, and so on down the line. The entire film is over-wrought and joyless, and the soundtrack is full of creeeeeek…BOOMMM..RRRRRR sounds that overwhelms almost every scene. Wait for this to come to cable – and then watch something else.

Rating: Why God why did they make this movie? fragezeichen-0003

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  • Jason M

    All I wanna know: does the Carrie character in the remake say, “they’re not pillows, mama! They’re breasts, and everybody has them!”?? All I wanna know.

    • But of course.

    • Vecchiojohn

      I love it when girls talk about their fun bags. Be right back.

  • I like the rating system, Gojira.Now when are you going to fix that Fukushima dealio?~

    • When they make a movie about Fukushima, I will employ maximum snark in my review.

  • Tlazolteotl, Bitter Darkness

    I’m trying to think of a good reason to see any of these!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    These movie reviews by Erik are the best thing in the whole history of HNTP!!!!

    • I deeply, DEEPLY regret having not sought Erik’s advice before seeing Runner Runner. I’m now forever scarred by how bad it was.