Feb 21, 2020
Here Are Your Top Five Things Fox News Would Rather Talk About Than Climate Change
Dilemma: Fox and Friends would like science-type people like Michael Moyer, editor of Scientific American, to appear to talk about future science trends, but they do not believe climate change is a future trend.
Solution: let Moyer come on, but ban him from talking about climate change, because he should really talk about jetpacks or where the missing plane is.
Perhaps they decided not to let Moyer talk about climate change because when Fox News does talk about climate change, they are usually wrong. But all of this raises an important question: What are acceptable science topics for Fox News? Here are some things you can safely talk about if you are invited to go on the venerated network.
1. How Not to Get Lost in the Pharmacy
It’s an epidemic spreading around Our Great Nation. Fox News viewers getting lost in the pharmacy. Never fear, Dr. Siegel will HALP YOU ESCAPE.
2. Do Chicken Drumsticks Make Children Aggressive?
In response to a study no one has ever heard of, Fox News has your back. 3 minutes with a clinical psychologist refuting the idea, perhaps without reading the study. For the love of god, if you care about your children, cut their chicken into little tiny pieces. We beg of you.
3. Was the “Blood” Moon a Sign From God?
Something will happen. Super Moons, Feasts and whatnot. Fine, we didn’t really listen, because we are pretty sure that light from the Earth reflecting back on the Moon during a total lunar eclipse is probably not a sign from God. But it was pretty.
4. “Alternative” Cancer Treatments
Here is a person-shaped bag of conspiracy theory named Ty Bollinger to explain that there is no motivation for the mainstream to find a cure for cancer, because no one really wants a cure for cancer, apparently. But Ty’s found you some herbs that will kill your cancer cells. Also too something something Linus Pauling.
5. Dolphin Assisted Birth
Someone, somewhere would like to give birth with dolphins. Because, it will be peaceful. Unless, the dolphins become aggressive and attack.
So, if you are ever invited to appear on Fox News, be aware, climate science = bad, making sure people do not get lost in pharmacy = good.
Update: Fox & Friends would like you to know that they are not happy that Michael Moyer tweeted about his appearance on their show. He was very disrespectful. Steve Doocey and Brian Kilmeade are completely gobsmacked that Moyer would be displeased with Fox News and Brian does not think Moyer’s magazine is all that:
American Scientific. A million plus people talked about your magazine for the first time since you put it together
Brian Kilmeade would probably be very sad to find out that Moyer didn’t invent a 168 year old popular science magazine out of whole cloth just to fuck with Fox about climate change. Don’t anyone tell him the truth, because he’s probably allergic to it.