Here Are Your Top Five Things Fox News Would Rather Talk About Than Climate Change

Here Are Your Top Five Things Fox News Would Rather Talk About Than Climate Change

Dilemma: Fox and Friends would like science-type people like Michael Moyer, editor of Scientific American, to appear to talk about future science trends, but they do not believe climate change is a future trend.

Solution: let Moyer come on, but ban him from talking about climate change, because he should really talk about jetpacks or where the missing plane is.


Perhaps they decided not to let Moyer talk about climate change because when Fox News does talk about climate change, they are usually wrong. But all of this raises an important question: What are acceptable science topics for Fox News? Here are some things you can safely talk about if you are invited to go on the venerated network.

1. How Not to Get Lost in the Pharmacy

It’s an epidemic spreading around Our Great Nation. Fox News viewers getting lost in the pharmacy. Never fear, Dr. Siegel will HALP YOU ESCAPE.

2. Do Chicken Drumsticks Make Children Aggressive?

In response to a study no one has ever heard of, Fox News has your back. 3 minutes with a clinical psychologist refuting the idea, perhaps without reading the study. For the love of god, if you care about your children, cut their chicken into little tiny pieces. We beg of you.

3. Was the “Blood” Moon a Sign From God?

Something will happen. Super Moons, Feasts and whatnot. Fine, we didn’t really listen, because we are pretty sure that light from the Earth reflecting back on the Moon during a total lunar eclipse is probably not a sign from God. But it was pretty.

4. “Alternative” Cancer Treatments

Here is a person-shaped bag of conspiracy theory named Ty Bollinger to explain that there is no motivation for the mainstream to find a cure for cancer, because no one really wants a cure for cancer, apparently. But Ty’s found you some herbs that will kill your cancer cells. Also too something something Linus Pauling.

5. Dolphin Assisted Birth

Dolphins and Bebehs: What Could Go Wrong?

Someone, somewhere would like to give birth with dolphins. Because, it will be peaceful. Unless, the dolphins become aggressive and attack.

So, if you are ever invited to appear on Fox News, be aware, climate science = bad, making sure people do not get lost in pharmacy = good.

Update: Fox & Friends would like you to know that they are not happy that Michael Moyer tweeted about his appearance on their show. He was very disrespectful. Steve Doocey and Brian Kilmeade are completely gobsmacked that Moyer would be displeased with Fox News and Brian does not think Moyer’s magazine is all that:

American Scientific. A million plus people talked about your magazine for the first time since you put it together

Brian Kilmeade would probably be very sad to find out that Moyer didn’t invent a 168 year old popular science magazine out of whole cloth just to fuck with Fox about climate change. Don’t anyone tell him the truth, because he’s probably allergic to it.

[Raw Story]

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  • Jaime Oria

    And if certain chapters of Ted Mooney’s novel Easy Travel to Other Planets are any indication, a male dolphin can partake in the process that often results in a pregnancy.

  • BMW

    …Moyer didn’t invent a 168 year old popular science magazine out of whole cloth… And he didn’t even get the name of the magazine right.

    • Poly_Ester

      You could say Fox News is facts averse.

      • But they did get a “million” people thinking about yet another thing that isn’t true, so they win.

      • willi0000000

        Fux Gnus is certainly not “facts averse.”they make up more facts in a year than anybody could learn in a lifetime.

  • zb77

    Chicken Drumstick Agressiveness Disorder (CHIDAD) often evolves in Adult Onset Turkey Leg Syndrome (AKA Type II Turkey Legabeates), prominent among both County and Renaissance Fair-goers. Fortunately both diseases are treatable with Poultrelax.

    • glasspusher

      Fowl is a hell of a drug

  • Mojopo

    People who sell bunk to people with cancer deserve to be dried to death on a hot rock.

  • SullivanSt

    Fine, we didn’t really listen, because we are pretty sure that light from the Earth reflecting back on the Moon during a total lunar eclipse is probably not a sign from God.

    ARGH! No no no no NO NO NOOOOOOO!!!!The earth cannot reflect sunlight onto the moon during a lunar eclipse, on account of how for a lunar eclipse to occur, the earth must be directly between the sun and the moon. The red moon during a total eclipse is because of scattering in the atmosphere. It’s the same effect as the blue sky and red sunsets – at high angles blue is scattered the most, leaving a predominantly red light at low angles of scattering. NOT REFLECTION!

  • Haribo Lector

    Most forms of cancer have a survival rate of over 50%, and survival rates for ALL forms of cancer are increasing. Which begs the question; why do people think we’re “no closer to finding a cure”?

    • glasspusher

      Oh! I know this one! Because they’re fucking idiots?

  • Vienna Woods

    I’m on a diet. That chicken looks nice.

  • glasspusher

    The “blood moon” in fact looked more like the moon was immersed in a glass of iced tea. Death to teabaggers?

  • Come here a minute

    Pharmacy? Most people get “all lost in the supermarket.”

  • willi0000000

    short list of taboo topics: – evolution (the gods did it) – cosmology (6000 years) – physics (too hard)- chemistry (too hard)- mathematics (way too hard)- the real world (not recognized)aka, anything fact-based or scientifically proven[example: stars – “yeah right, big balls of hydrogen, don’t those dumb scientists know that hydrogen is lighter than air and would just float away”]

  • Big Pharma has no motivation to cure Getting Lost in Pharmacies!

  • bob

    Acceptable science topics for Fox:The earth is the center of the universeThe universe is 6,000 years oldScience has proven the Christian bible is literally correctPsychology had shown conservative thinking and obeying your superiors without question improves ones financial and emotional healthThose guys Einstein and Newton were just kidding aroundI think I’m going to go throw up now…

  • Red_cted

    And as your scientific illustration definitely proves, Saturn is about to collide with the Earth! Can we talk about that??

  • BeliTsari

    How to bleach hair, lighten skin, achieve an erection, enlarge one’s breasts, make freedum bombs & trigger abortions with common, everyday household products like radium flavored fracking fluid?

  • Duckler

    The Bibble is older than your silly magazine, you ignorant little “science” man..