May 24, 2018
Top Gun (1986): a recap (part 1 of 3)
May 13th, 2016 marked the 30th anniversary of a little ’80s movie known as Top Gun. TopGunDay.com, a fan website devoted to the 1986 film, encouraged people to celebrate by going to bars dressed in aviation suits or at least to play around with their nifty call sign generator, which dubbed me Lt. Yoda.
(I assume the computer algorithm chose this because it realized I am petite and wise, and not just because I tend to stumble over my sentences and often demand to be carried around piggyback.)
Being born in ’93, I still don’t really get what the fuss is about, especially now, in the post-Katie Holmes era. I mean, I thought we agreed somewhere around 2005 that Tom Cruise was weird and crazy and best ignored lest he attempt to possess Oprah Winfrey with the thetans removed from L. Ron Hubbard’s ballsack.
And yet, I’m willing to risk it all to bring you this mini-recap, and find out if Top Gun is still on top after all these years. Strap yourselves in and let’s go back to 1986, a time when there was a need… a need for speed.
Whatever that means.
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So after some opening credits, the film starts off with this text:
TOP GUN! I didn’t even have to wait for the title card to know that was the answer! AMERICA, YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Phew. I just had an overwhelming wave of patriotism. Is that going to be common throughout this movie?
Anyway, more opening credits roll over scenes of some aviator people doing some aviator stuff to get planes ready for takeoff. It’s boring enough that I start reading the credits, and that’s how I find out Meg Ryan is in this movie. This is before she fake-orgasmed her way to stardom and was still getting paired on screen with the likes of Eugene Levy.
As I’m trying to remember what other early Meg Ryan movies there are, Kenny Loggins’ “Danger Zone” kicks in. And even though we’re watching nothing more than the U.S. Navy’s top one percent baggage handlers hook and unhook various hoses, I. AM. HOOKED.
I guess it’s true what Barry Goldberg says:
This is when we finally get some real action. So Tom Cruise is this guy named Maverick, and Anthony Edwards (hot off the role of Gilbert) is his partner Goose. Much like Batman and Robin, you can tell which one is the sidekick by who got the shitty nickname. They’re patrolling the airspace around the Indian Ocean along with Cougar and Merlin. Then the guys at HQ are like, “Hey, there’s this unidentified plane hanging around. Everybody go check it out!” The lead general guy, however, is unhappy that Maverick and Goose are the ones patrolling at this time. See, Maverick is a maverick, just like his name suggests, and he doesn’t exactly follow orders. Because he’s a maverick, get it?
The enemy plane turns out to be two of them, but the lead general guy orders the crew not to fire unless fired upon. Cougar gets particularly panicky when the enemy planes set their sights on him, and since they aren’t allowed to shoot, Maverick decides to have a little “fun” with the enemy.
Maverick also snaps a picture of the enemy pilot, which is enough to frighten the other pilots away. Because everyone knows commies think photography steals a piece of their souls. Maverick and Goose are running low on fuel so they’re ordered back to base, but Cougar is still stuck in panic mode. Maverick decides to delay landing to help Cougar, fuel be damned.
Is the general mad? You betcha. But Maverick and Goose are just Too Damn Good, so instead of punishing them, the general sends them to Top Gun (AMERICA, YEAHHHHHH!) to become the best of the best Navy pilots.
“Danger Zone” plays again as Maverick arrives at Top Gun. Now, I do love me some “Danger Zone”, but I really am hoping this isn’t the only song in the movie. Anyway, Maverick and the other pilots attend an orientation session where one pilot whispers to his partner that he has a “hard-on” while watching footage of aerial combat missions. “Don’t tease me,” says his partner.
The students get introduced to their commanding officer Viper, a.k.a. the baddest bitch in the place, and the first winner of the Top Gun Trophy, which is a real award in this movie-universe despite the fake-sounding name. Viper asks Maverick is he thinks he will be America’s Next Top Pilot, and Maverick is all, “Yeah, I know I am!” Viper digs his attitude.
The gay pilot with the hard-on is not impressed, and he hates Tom Cruise on sight. That is a sentence I never thought I would have to write.
The pilots go to a local bar to blow off steam, where Val Kilmer, a.k.a. Iceman, and his buddy Slider, who also follows the sidekick rule of shitty nicknames, make jabs at Maverick, passive-aggressively congratulating him for stealing Cougar’s spot (Cougar was originally the one selected to go to Top Gun, but he quit the Navy after his panic attack, so Maverick and Goose got to go instead).
Maverick is mad, but this is before his Scientology days, so he can’t issue any Fair Game policies on Iceman and Slider. Luckily, he quickly gets distracted when he spies a woman with a glorious mane of blonde hair at the bar. He convinces Goose (and eventually the whole bar) to serenade her with “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling.”
The woman is Charlotte “Charlie” Blackwood, played by Kelly McGillis, who’s five years older than Tom Cruise, so again (and more seriously this time), surprisingly progressive for the ’80s! McGillis was a hot property after her Golden Globe-nominated role in Witness, but was sadly sucked into a black hole immediately after Top Gun for daring to play the love interest in a movie also featuring Meg Ryan. The universe is very strict about such things.
Part 2 of this recap coming soon!