Here Is Last Week’s Top Chef Recap, Only Six Days Late!

Previously, on Top Chef.


You know what we are? We are lazy, which is why we are fiiiiinally getting around to last week’s Top Chef Recap, six days late. Just in time for another Top Chef recap tomorrow! (Maybe.) Have you considered switching over to our Coven recaps? We get those done right away! Because those are crazy as shit!


Do you know what is not “crazy” this season? Top Chef is not “crazy” this season. Anybody else finding it a chore and a slog? :(

We begin with the gay guy who fetishizes all Asian people, because of how they are not individuals. Travis is in the closet? How is that possible? His mom knows he’s gay, and really thought he should have told his dad before going on television to be gay all over it. His mom sounds pretty smart-like! We bet his boyfriend just looooves being a giant sexy secret.

Here is the weird thing though. We hate Travis! He’s annoying as fuck! But him being in the closet actually made us hate him less? Like, awww, he’s just a fucked-up kid.

It is time to meet the mothers of Gayle and Padma, who will be running around like total spazzes (ableist) in a Supermarket Sweep-style frenzy, and whatever they get is what the teams can use, from cooking implements to foodstuffs. But — here’s the wacky catch! — all the products are covered in tinfoil so they cannot see what is in them. And if they get anything icky, like say RUBBER CEMENT, OR THIS CAT, the teams have to use it too!


The ingredients for this quickfire are covered in Reynolds wrap. I miss the Glad family of products. CHANGE IS BAD.

The moms are running with shopping carts, as moms are supposed to. I was on Supermarket Sweep once. I was bad at it.

So it is basically the terrible “Chopped,” is what the producers are doing here. The chefs are all like, what are we gonna do with the baking soda? They are going to flash fry okra or something, whatever. Did you know you could fry stuff in baking soda? Did you know you could do anything besides brush your teeth with it? We guess deodorizing their fridges is not considered a component of the dish.

Nina, Bene, Brian have canned beans, ginger, strawberries, chiles, dried cherries, okra, cheddar.

Carlos & Travis are doing clams with coconut cream sauce

Nick & Patty are fixing up a seabass & snapper

Justin & Michael are creating papillote with tomato “nage” what is that does anyone know?

Shirley Louis and Carrie are “whipping up” a little burrata and zabayon, but Carrie has no whisk. Stupid MOM, DIDN’T GET A WHISK. :(

Sara and Stephanie will delight us with lamb and “fonduta” with sharp cheese and corn and mushrooms.

Sara and Stephanie are concerned their lamb may be undercooked. Sara, who is very, er, confident in her leadership, just says “gimme the plates gimme the plate gimme the plate gimme the plates,” while the rest of the team is like “we might not necessarily have time to finish cooking the lamb.” It’s good to be assertive and take leadership, but the way she seizes power is very weird. She just acts like it’s a fait accompli, like she is on You’re Fired With Assface.


Team Lakshmi wins and they get 10k to split like 30 ways, yay.

Lea Michele is here, and they are gonna throw her a Halloween dinner, and it is weird because her boyfriend is dead.

dead boyfriend

Stephanie is fangirling out, and it’s adorable in the confessional but in person she is giving weird stalker eye, which is also adorable.

They are talking about Halloween, and Michael explains that he had this awesome costume once, you will never guess what it was, he is so creative.

Michael was a pregnant nun, because of course he was.

So they will be in teams of two, each with two dishes.

The first team is Michael and Nina, and Nina does not like Michael. Here, let us ask her: “I’m stuck with Michael. I don’t like him.” Team Nina.

Of course Lea Michele is vegan. “When I want to give myself a little bit of a break,” she sexplains, “I go to vegetarian.” You cannot be vegan and come to my house for dinner. You can be vegetarian! I can make you lots of nice vegetarian dishes! Very hearty! Very rustic! But you cannot be vegan. It’s just fucking rude.

“I’m Italian,” Lea Michele says, “so pasta, pizza, anything fried, party in your mouth.” Oh, Lea, not a party in your mouth. That is terrible, and sets you up for awful mouth-rape jokes. Anyway, how is she Italian and not Jewish?

Did everyone know that but me?

Michael is doing fried risotto balls. Nina calls it “amateur. A five-year-old could make that dish.” Nina knows some awesome five-year-olds.

Three people are making arancini and I have never ever heard of it.

There are two gnocchis. I have heard of that.

Justin is making beet pasta even though Lea Michele does not like beets. SMART MOVE DUDE.

One of the gnocchi people, Nicholas, switches to butternut squash cannoli, so that sounds awesome. He doesn’t want to go head to head with Nina, who he thinks is the best cook in the kitchen.

Now they are going to the haunted nursing home, don’t care. Spooooooky, whatever, blah blah blah.

Michael keeps calling Nina “booboo,” and Michael needs to stop calling Nina “booboo,” because that’s awful.

A problem with filming so far ahead of holidays is that nobody is at all into their costumes for the fake holiday. Like, they are basically wearing hats and carnavale masks the producers handed out and being like “it is Halloween!” Meh.

Screen Shot 2013-11-06 at 11.03.16 AMCultural appropriation.

Carrie & Stephanie serve leeks and veg and “fontina fonduta.” WHAT IS A FONDUTA THAT IS TWICE NOW, SHOW.

Colicchio is flirting with Lea Michele. She will probably fuck him. Just guessing.

Patty is doing a lemon arancini. What’s the Halloween element? The colors.

There is like one group of people actually in costume. Lea Michele reaches over and pops a bubble wrap on the lady’s head, because a) she is five and has no self-control, or b) she is John Lennon. Let’s be charitable and say she’s John Lennon. Oh, is there a reason to have some kind of problem with that?


So they are supposed to have spooky vegetarian dishes, and one dude is all, “It’s spooky because I’m turning garlic oil into powder.” Sure why not. Tom basically bobs his head like a pre-teen: “I’m scaaaaared now.” We love bitchface Tom.

Nina’s gnocchi? Perfect. Michael’s eyeball? Realllllly sweet. Lea makes a vomit face. But he was getting all bent when Nina was trying to boss him, like HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING OK BOOBOO.

Travis does ceviche; Carlos does goat cheese fondue. Lea loves it. Oh, man, she has eaten so much cheese tonight. She is never gonna poo again.

Louis’s severed quinoa thumb looks beautiful.

Colicchio is DELIGHTED to be hanging out with Lea Michele, he is just all smiles. He is basically like Emeril crushing on Padma.

Screen Shot 2013-11-06 at 11.02.16 AM

So now all the chefs are done and just sitting around with their thumbs up their asses waiting for the judges to kvetch and kvell. Nina is talking it out with Michael. She is being straightforward and soft-voiced, but making her displeasure known. She is saying he relied on her, and just “chill”-ed. “No,” he responds. “You needed ME in the beginning.” Nina is perturbed by this assertion, as Nina (and a couple of the other women) are the winners in each challenge, while Michael is an idiot who’s been in the bottom every time maybe. If Michael were Rand Paul right now, he would tell her that if he were the professor of her college cooking class, he would give her an F.

Patty brings it with the arancini! Meanwhile, Lea Michele likes the beets after all, because they were properly hid. Just like when Jessica Seinfeld did not plagiarize that lady!

The judges don’t really like much this time around. Somebody had two salads, with too much sauce.

Screen Shot 2013-11-06 at 10.57.32 AMNina didn’t boss Michael enough, blah blah blah.

Travis and Carlos are los campiones, for their Dia de Los Muertos Goat Cheese Fondue with Fried Zucchini and Vegetable Ceviche. Okeydoke!

Screen Shot 2013-11-06 at 11.04.47 AM

Michael and Nina and Bene and Brian are the losers. Lea did not want salads or spa cuisine! She wanted cheating and luxury and probably beef! MAYBE TOM COLICCHIO’S BEEF WHAT WHAT!

So the judges determine that the tomato salad was watery, fuck quinoa, and fuck Nina for not saving Michael from himself. I am guessing three-way tie for loser and Michael stays. Right?

OH, only one of them is going home, lame. And it is Michael. He is going home for his stupid too sweet eyeball.

Screen Shot 2013-11-06 at 11.00.10 AM

Bye Michael. You are a douche, but all the jerks are going home too fast and we don’t even have hate for Travis anymore :(


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